Coming Up Short(y)

The Bachelor Episode 2 - The Crazy Train is Pulling Out of the Station

2012-01-10T22:47:00.001-08:00

Where to start?

Sitting through two episodes of this (crazy) trainwreck season, I have no idea what to think. At least in the Brad season some of the girls seemed reasonable enough to be a suitor. (Suitorette? Oh well, whatever.) But this season-- eesh!

There is a distinct black and white between what girls are trying to get their five minutes and a 3-month spurt of blurbs in Us Magazine and those who are vying for Ben in a way that is making them look crazy/desperate/weird/needy/homicidal.

Nonetheless, to the dismay of brain cells across America and to the thrill of me having topics to write about, the show goes on.

Some highlights:

- Kacie B date starts off with a moment seemingly fifteen minutes in where she mentions Ben "brings out things in her" that she hasn't tapped into in a long time. Let's bear in mind she is 24. So, essentially, these feelings range some where between how she felt the first time she did a kegstand and the time she got too drunk and made out with a girl at an off-campus party. It's been that long.

- That said, I like Kacie B. I had her in my top 5 after last week's episode and she validated my argument. One annoying thing (and this goes for more than just K.B.) I noticed is how often these girls refer to themselves as "hopeless romantics." Can we stop with this? A hopeless romantic would find nothing romantic about going on a show that knowingly pits girls against each other and at the same time makes it acceptable for the guy they are "falling for" to make out with every girl on said show without major repercussions. Or maybe that's just me. But then I'm just a hopeless romantic.

- I like Ben, but his movie theater vest-shirt combo is perhaps a bad choice. Like milk.

- Onto the group date and we are already seeing Blakeley creeping out the little girls, confusing the little boys and me still reeling from her whole "this is my heart and this is the key to my heart" tattoo explanation she proclaimed to Ben in episode 1. However, what I didn't notice in episode one were her giant boobs, so I defer to @sportsgal33 on Twitter who said:

When I call Ben another BBBB (Bachelor Blinded By Boobs), Bill quickly yelled "I know! I like it!" Men are the worst.

So true.

- Blakeley just threatened to potentially knock some one out, has threatened violence in two straight episodes and is also a 34-year-old VIP waitress. HOLY RED FLAG!! Let me allow one of my favorite fake commercials from this season's SNL to explain my feelings about Blakeley. (HERE)

- Courtney's ego is massive and she seems kind of like a sociopath in how well she maintains her composure at all times and rarely changes facial expression. Evil. I'm telling you. Super hot: kind of evil.

- Being the Bachelor is like being in a family that includes a dozen aunts who compliment you every chance they get. I understand they are there to win, but some of this seems forced. I've seen other Bachelors. I have seen a few brief episode moments of "Bachelor Pad." I can tell you that there are some guys in pretty good shape in that show, yet when Ben pulled shirt and dropped trou on stage, you'd have thought these girls had never seen a half-naked guy before. All of a sudden he was Brad Pitt from "Fight Club." Family, aunts, compliments. Enough already.

- How did Nicki go from so cute to so not-as-cute in one episode?

- Samantha is crying in a bathroom stall. I promise you, if I somehow lost all logic and ability to think clearly and was convinced to and then chosen to be the Bachelor, I vow one thing: if you cry within the first 5 days, you are getting booted on the spot. Though I'd like to think I could be a ratings monster, I am unsure if this would be true. WAY too straightforward. (But seriously, cry when there's a reason, nutcase.)

- Note to EVERYONE who still uses the phrase "winning" ala Charlie Sheen (looking at you, Courtney): STOP IT. It's over. In all actuality, it lasted about a week and then you were no longer winning. You were annoying. I know this was filmed a while ago, so maybe we can cut Courtney some slack, but let's not. Saying "winning" = losing. Simple equation.

- Jennifer (the lone ginger) seems normal and nice. Just by observing the way that other girls respond to her and laugh along with her make me think she is at the very least slightly normal and likeable.

- Annnnnnnnd, Blakeley made out with Ben and now Jennifer is crying. Like clockwork.

- And of course, Blakeley's boobs land her a rose. To me, I think this is how the first couple weeks seem to go. The hotter, physically attractive people make it because deep down the Bachelorsreally want them to work out and be normal. Michelle Money a great example. Super hot, completely insane. I don't see Blakeley lasting until the end, especially when having to tell the grandkids one day that granddad really knew he loved grandma when he found her gently sobbing in a luggage room after their first date with him and ten other girls. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic.

- Courtney has a very Michael Jordan-esque attitude out of the gate. I don't think she cares about the relationship, the guy, etc., I think she just wants to win so no one else can win. Typically I enjoy this and in sports I ALWAYS enjoy this insane competitive nature, but in this case, she just seems to be slightly "off."

- Scotch the dog is badass.

- Only thing I took from the Courtney date aside from her being hot and slightly, potentially sociopathic: I really hate hearing people kiss each other. What an awful sound to listen to. Gross.

- Still like Lindzi. She was quite this episode, but she's going to bounce back.

- Blakeley has barged in on two people prior to the rose ceremony. I don't get this. Are the producers telling the Bachelors to let this happen? What kind of guy will be talking for a girl for two minutes, allow some other girl to VERY rudely interrupt and just go with it? How about a "Hey. Chick. I'm in the middle of a conversation. Come find me when I'm done here. That is very rude." Again, not sure how successful I would be as the Bachelor.

- Reasons you know Jenna is crazy: 1) Constantly awkward at making any semblance of normal conversation or banter; 2) (And pardon my double negative) She never not cries.; 3) ABC plays crazy person music during her alone time with Ben before the rose ceremony. That is the clincher for me! Someone get the taser!

- Ben is finding girls crying in every room. I would be deeply concerned by how this thing is going to turn out if I were Ben. Is it too late to give Brad a third go-round?

- Jenna...SHE GONE!! To the dismay of viewers and writers of the show, Jenna gets the boot. As expected, she then has a nervous breakdown. The girl spoke to Ben-- always awkwardly-- for what appeared to be a total of 9 minutes, was mostly invisible at the group date and has spent more time crying than conversing, yet she appears to be shocked she is going home. Wow. The worst part-- and why I don't feel sad for her really-- is her referencing that she is "trying to find love," "deserves love," & "thought this was her chance to have love." Have you WATCHED a season of this show? If so, did you READ about any of these relationships after the show? Going on the Bachelor to find love is about the equivalent of going to the Penn State coach's office to find a babysitter for your son. Not freaking likely!! My take: She's a "freelance writer" and blogger. Maybe now she's a little more relevant in that world and that was her intention. Because if she genuinely went on the show to finally find love, then maybe this should be the series finale because the jig is up.

Another episode in the books and a little less crazy heading into next week. Oh wait, what's that? The preview for next week shows a girl so overwhelmed with emotions that she passes out? Well, at least we have a new front runner! Someone get that girl a rose! Psyched for the advancing of Blakeley and her VIP room-funded boobs, Courtney's ego & ready for a new batch of crazy to emerge. If I were Ben I would sit with a trained professional and give these girls a Rorschach test or something. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic.

My top 5:

#5: Nicki

#4: Jennifer

#3: Lindzi

#2: Courtney

#1: Kacie B.

Until next time.

Talk soon...

The Bachelor Blog Returns!

2012-01-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I promised myself I was no longer watching reality TV-- at least the talentless trashy ones. While I can resist the temptation of the "Kardashians" and anything with the word "Housewives" in it, I can't stand by and read updates upon updates pertaining to "The Bachelor" and be unable to lend my cynical, at-times-obvious-but-still-humorous views.

So to the dismay of some and joy of others (looking at you Nichole Swango), the Bachelor blog returns.

This season brings us something I was unsure I would ever see on "The Bachelor": a normal guy.

All things considered, Ben seems normal. He also seems like he is intentionally trying to become a poor man's Rafael Nadal, but that is neither here nor there. (editor note: right-click and open in new tab/window to avoid leaving the page) That said, he also seems well-balanced and normal and probably won't be prepping himself for each rose ceremony with a call to his therapist.

The bachelorettes, however, TOTALLY different story. Annnnnnnnnd, we're off:

A few of the ladies were hand-selected for quick shots from their hometown and a little background on them. I am guessing they will be advancing further than most in the show or what would the point of this be? Can someone alert ABC about spoiler alerts?

So, for this season's first post, I will go through the girls, give a take or two if need be and go over my rankings for the season week-by-week. The first episode is hard to knock out a traditional follow-along style post, so let's get through this week and be ready for the dates, roses, crying, murder threats, Xanax, etc.

The Girls

Rachel: Meh. Just a regular intro, nothing memorable. Kind of girl that hangs around and you never see her.

Erika: Law background so she jumps in with the "verdict is in line." And it falls so flat that this almost prompted me to pause the show and take a 5-minute walk. Ben's reply wasn't laughter, but rather him saying to himself "That's funny" as she was headed into the house. NOTE: #1 way to know when something isn't funny is when the person doesn't laugh, but rather says "that's funny."

Amber B.: Last name Bacon. Referred to herself as the "Baconator." Hope you enjoyed the trip out to Cali, Amber.

Elyse: Our first Chicago contestant and she is a trainer. Great. Though some exceptions are made, trainers creep me out. Female ones not as much as males, but the males are like guys who have no social skills at all and do training because the person they are then talking to have no choice but to reply. Socially awkward, fit people, in other words. So, I guess I am saying that I don't see Elyse going the distance.

Jenna: Pretty girl, and then refers to herself as a writer, but reveals she is in actuality a blogger. I know I have a blog (kind of), and I love to write, but I am not a writer. Something if off about this one. Continuing, her intro to Ben was the most awkward moment since Erika dropped her verdict joke. Weird silence, misquoted Ben's line from "The Bachelorette," sheesh. I see her spiraling. (Side bar: This whole "Good things don't end unless they end badly" line or whatever is a blatant ripoff of the line from Tom Cruise classic "Cocktail," when Brian Flanagan's (Cruise) mentor Doug Coughlin states: "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end." Come on, Ben.)

Courtney: Hot model, bad person. Something about her just screams evil villain character in a Disney movie, like in "The Little Mermaid" when Ursula turned into a human. (Between writing about this show and referencing "The Little Mermaid," I am really risking losing some serious man points.)

Casey: No take-- barely said a word

Emily: Uh, germaphobe much? Now that she has douched Ben in sanitizer, he can say with a clean conscience (and hands) that she will not be winning. And a kiss hello as an initial first time encounter. Oh my. Back to med school, creeper.

Samantha: Yep, wearing a sash. So there's that.

Amber T.: All things considered, seems nice. Nice job, short and sweet intro, maybe a normal one on the show! ABC mixing it up!

Jamie: Bubbly and fun, a nurse and seems like a good choice to move forward. Also, based on Ben's earlier comment of "so many beautiful brunettes," I am leaning toward brunettes advancing moreso than the blondes.

Shira: Busts on Ben by claiming to have wine knowledge and then looks like a retard when he asks her the easiest of wine questions. Ouch. May not last. (Note to Shira: That was awkward.)

Blakeley, Anna, Jaclyn & Holly: Outside of Holly's obnoxious attention hat, no comments. Seem like middle-of-the-pack participants.

Sheryl & Brittney: The old "bring my grandmother along" routine. Figured she would get player-hated on for that one-- as she should-- but it worked. Not sure she can keep that momentum for the whole show though.

Nicki: BIG FAN. From Texas, seems fun, very smiley-- I like her. She's my pick so far.

Dianna: Giggly and weird. Get a sentence together, chick.

Lyndsie J: Wrote a poem for Ben and then went on to refer to herself as a "dork" about 17 times. Note to girls: When you refer to yourself as a dork, you are ruining it. Let us figure that out and decide if it is a cute thing or something your masquerading as in order to hide that you are a nut. If you proclaim to be a dork over and over, the verdict is in: Nut.

Monica: Misses her dog. Also, an exceptional conversationist. (cue eyeroll)

Shawn: Punched Ben in the arm. I like her style. Maybe a dark horse contestant.

Kacie B.: I love when people say "Administrative Assistant." The words we have developed to sugar coat the most basic jobs and things is just good fun. So, Kacie is a secretary. But she also was super nice and had amazing calves. I would send her through.

Lindzi C.: In on a horse. That was kind of odd. That said, she DOES seem normal and cool. Entry aside, you gotta grab attention out of the gate in this game, so we will see if this worked for her.

EPISODE NOTES:

- I get it, ladies. You think Ben is cute. Enough already. This is what I refer to as the Edward Cullen syndrome. When the "Twilight" films came out, you could've thrown ANY guy in the role of Edward Cullen and females would have fawned all over for him. And they did. Same thing: They are on this show for a reason, to marry the Bachelor (and get on the cover of Us Magazine). Throw any guy in there and because of their mindset, they are all over him. But let's pump the brakes-- he's not Tom Brady. (Token mention of Tom Brady-- check.)

- Lindzi dropped the love card after knowing Ben for 10 mins. I can't even tell you if I love a new pillow after only 10 minutes. This show.

- I hate Holly's stupid hat.

- Nicki-- my odds-on fave after one episode-- with a solid 1st impression, too.

- Good call on giving the first impression rose to Lindzi. Aside from the "can fall in love" line after 10 minutes, she seems cool.

- Say what you will, but I would LOVE to play the "blindfold me and let me guess the candy" game.

- Emily rapping. Wow. That was weird, yet, I will give her props. Her flow was actually pretty good and wasn't just the typical one-two beat pattern. She mixed it up. I like her.

- Jenna is the winner of "first girl to say the words 'the right reasons.'" Congrats, Jenna! You just reinforced what I already knew: you're a crazy person! Cue Jenna crying ten minutes later. Oh man, ABC has to have FORCED Ben to advance her. She is this year's Crazy Michelle, but rather than craftily planning a murder scheme like Michelle would, I could see Jenna doing one of those sad kills, like where she hugs him really tight and says something like "Why do you make me do this to you?" as she slowly suffocates and/or stabs Ben. Always nice to have one of these girls on-board. And they are always pretty hot-- let that be a lesson to the guys out there.

- Monica is obviously playing for both teams. Wow. I've seen drunken freshmen in college hold back more than Monica. And then she threatens to cut Jenna's face off. Wow. Two potential murderers on one season. Alert security.

SO, my top 5 heading into week 1 are:

#5: Courtney - seems like a bitch, kinda weird, but too hot to not stick around for a while.

#4: Nicki - I would've picked her for me and just bailed on the rest. But now, fast forward to five episodes later when she is crying for no reason and trying to persuade Ben that he is in love with her too while looking like an evil witch. Oh, this show.

#3: Lindzi - First impression rose, but don't' think she will make the long haul. Out of the gate though, gotta go top 5.

#2: Emily: Her rap was cool, she has a bit of an edge to her, but not in a bad way. I like her.

#1: Kacie B.: I like her. Again, solid calves and pretty hot and not too much exposure in the first episode, which means she is not going to overkill. I like that.

And that's it for episode one! Good to be back! Although awful to actually be sitting through two hours of this drivel every week. But hey, anything to get writing again. Let's look forward to a slow murder by Jenna and for Ben to reveal Rafa Nadal is his long-lost brother and he is going to choose Monica who will let him bring other girls along for a creepy, familial 4-some.

Off to a good start.

Talk soon...

A Public Display

2011-07-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

Gotta love Chicago in the summer.

Sure we have festivals, foot traffic filling every sidewalk in every unique neighborhood in the city and no shortage of people watching on the patios of every other restaurant in the city. But what stands out for me is the sheer joy that comes from being able to make those mile-long runs along Lake Michigan. Running south and coming around a bend to see a skyline of skyscrapers and people packing beaches set beside an aqua blue (from a distance) lake-- wow, this city.

I was on my what-should-be-daily run a couple of weeks ago and after my turnaround near North Avenue beach I was coming upon a small grassed in area when I could see it from a distance: a blatant display of public affection.

I am sure that I am not alone in detesting gratuitous public displays. Whether you are single is irrelevant because no one needs to see face rubbing (and I am not referring to the hilarious inappropriate face touching that my friends and I love so much), open-mouth kissing and other atrocious displays while trying to pump out the last stretch of a nice 5-mile jog. As I grew closer I could already sense the annoyance settling in.

But then I took a second glance. As my pace brought me even closer I noticed a picnic basket. The blanket stretched out across the grass and a couple enjoying one more amazing thing about this city which is quite simply the ability to chill and enjoy the breeze off the lake with someone they liked the most. Feet crossed with a slight lean. Some childish wrestling and laughing. As I passed by I observed what seemed to be two of the happiest people in the city at the exact moment. These two young men had it right.

And that's the twist.

In the last month or so I attended my first Chicago PRIDE parade with some of my female friends and a posse of gay guys that reminded me of my eight best friends the first couple years we were out of college just ripping up the bar scene and having a great time together. In that same month the world saw the largest state, including the largest city, in our country pass a law that allows gay marriage. And in that same month I saw evidence of what I already knew: that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

People have taken too much time to examine what gay marriage is and what it represents when in all actuality it represents the same idea for a same-sex couple as it does with the rest: loving who you are with and wanting to commit to that person for a lifetime. Plain and simple.

The people who scream about this "holy bond" are the same ones who keep quiet as an inordinate of straight couples desecrate it yearly with divorces. But where is the argument that the way two guys or two girls feel toward each other is any different or any less than a man and a woman?

Exactly. There is no difference. Love is love is love.

I hope to one day be lucky enough to have someone with whom I can throw some sandwiches in a bag, grab a blanket and just go enjoy the greatest summertime city in the world. Granted I will be more conscious of keeping my public displays of affection at a minimum, but that's a whole different conversation altogether.

Talk soon...

The Maxim (Revised) Hot 100 2011

2011-05-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

For the third straight year, Ayal and I have reorganized the Maxim Magazine Hot 100. As always, the magazine tries to convince us that certain people are hotter than they actually are, some borderline offensive and certainly insulting of the acute vision of Ayal and myself.

In turn, we again decided to spend 5 hours on the phone/Skype combo-- I was killing Ayal's daytime minutes, so we switched to Skype-- and ended up with the list below. There are a few ground rules that we keep every year:

- Don't alter the list too much. We aren't trying to make our own list from top to bottom. We don't have that kind of time or research capabilities. That said, we simply mean to take the people on their list, shave a couple off here and there, add some that we are big fans of and simply try to make the list better.

- Relevance is not always most important. Some ladies fell from the spotlight, others were thrust into it, but the amount of time spent in the public eye does not make one any hotter. Typically, just more annoying (see Palin, Sarah).

So without further ado, here is the revised Hot 100 list complete with side comments, reasoning behind our decisions and a few links to pictures. Quick shout-out: Special thanks to both my buddy Ray for dynamite drop-ins and my buddy Jordan who was also a contributor to this year's list. He's the Russian judge, never gives 10's, but his kind of critique is needed for this selection process.

Anyway:
***right-click and open links in new tab to avoid being re-routed***

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Some of these ladies should be automatic every year, but that becomes redundant and boring, like giving MJ the MVP trophy every single season (except for that the NBA should have done that, so this is the opposite). Some mentionables include Adriana Lima, Carrie Underwood (my mom's favorite), Zooey Deschanel, Shakira (sorry Joe Luck), Rachel Bilson (where the eff has she been?), Evangeline Lilly, Keira Knightley and probably so many others that it is pointless to draw this section out any further.

NOTABLE CUTS

Britney Spears & Christina Aguilera: Yeah, that's right. Has a rivalry ever ended worse than the one between Brit and Christina? They both spiraled out of control to where Britney at one point looked like a vampire creature and Christina decided to not try any more. I figured these two would battle for top pop singer for a while. Alas.

Cameron Diaz: #1 reason: Because "The Mask" didn't come out last year. Maxim had her at wait for it...wait for it...little more... freaking #4 on their list! WHAT?! For that very reason, for that blatant slap in the face for trying to make me go see one of her new movies (most likely), we pulled her. Look, she is in great shape for her age and is by no means disgusting, but don't try to tell me we're here when in reality we are here.

Others include Anna Paquin (I'm sorry, but it's the teeth. She's on a show where she loves a vampire with awesome retractable fangs, yet she has the teeth of a tasmanian devil), Nicky Minaj (solid albums, cool chick, not hot), Taylor Swift, Michelle Trachtenberg, Emma Watson & J-Woww.

And now for the list (ranking in parentheses are their spot on this year's Maxim list):

#100: Melanie Iglesias (100)
#99: Candace Bailey (99)
#98: Christina Hendricks (56): Quite a dramatic fall I know, but come on. Redheads-- even daywalkers-- are tough to put that high, particularly when really she is just a one-trick pony. (Well, I guess technically it is two tricks-- ZING!)
#97: Elizabeth Banks (not listed): I am not sure if she has EVER been listed on Maxim's list. Yeah, nothing worse than a hilarious female actor who also looks like this. Morons.
#96: Gabrielle Union (81)
#95: Paz de la Huerta (84)
#94: Isabel Lucas (not listed)
#93: Danica Mckellar (80)
#92: Carla Gugino (not listed): We HAD to put her on. If you watched any of the most recent season of "Californication," then you know exactly what I am talking about. Hot.
#91: Camilla Belle (98)
#90: Lauren Storm (90): We stand pat. Bonus points for having kicked it with Ayal before.

#89: Lyndsy Fonseca (89)
#88: Daniela Ruah (88)
#87: Emmanuelle Vaugier (87)
#86: Autumn Reeser (86)
#85: Rachelle Leah (85): Wasn't sure who she was really (as it turns out, the UFC ring girl), but she ended up being one of my favorite ladies to research. Yep.
#84: Hope Dworaczyk (97): Moved her up based on the one picture in Maxim. But we found some other good ones, too. I will assume you agree.
#83: Carly Craig (83)
#82: Kelly Kelly (82)
#81: Sophie Monk (96)
#80: Kelli Hutcherson (93): Ayal and I bounced around on this for a while. Then we were given a sign that showed us the error of our ways. Just saying.

#79: Serinda Swan (95): A deserved bump up. I wish I knew more about who some of these people are, but as I said, it's Maxim's job, not mine. Come on!
#78: Erin Andrews (91): Gotta move her up. Something to be said about a girl who can go toe-to-toe with me in a sports conversation. Solid.
#77: Cobie Smulders (9): The drop-off of the year! I have just recently started watching/catching up on How I Met Your Mother and I will be the first to admit that while watching, she definitely has a hot quality. But let's also not forget that she plays a character with a quick wit, charm and is second if being funny only to Barney (NPH, what?). But then, if we went by the characters on TV, half the people in movies and TV would be WAY cooler in real life. That said, having her at #9 when this and this were the hottest pictures we could find, just not deserving.
#76: Jamie Alexander (41)
#75: Arianny Celeste (70)
#74: Amy Teegarden (not listed): For two reasons: 1) She is a longtime fave of Ayal's. 2) Maybe one of the best, most well-casted shows on TV is coming to it's series finale-- Friday Night Lights-- so consider this an homage. Well-deserved at that.
#73: Aly Michalka (66)
#72: Miley Cyrus (64): Had to bump her down for when it talks. Please stop talking. (Though props for trying to go the Christina "Drrty" route to gain more popularity. Because no one does that.)
#71: Eva Amurri (61)
#70: Avril Lavigne (34): Maybe her last year on our list. Wasn't even aware she was still around.

#69: Grace Park (59)
#68: Ashley Greene (53)
#67: Anna Kournikova (19): Classic case of Maxim-itis right here. "Let's take someone who is traditionally hot and pretend like nothing has changed and no one has gotten hotter in the last 5 years." Come on, Maxim. She is definitely still hot, but no way she is still in the global top 20.
#66: Evan Rachel Wood (31): Not hotter than then next 65 people. Sorry.
#65: Amanda Seyfried (not listed): Deserves to be on there. Though it has been a LONG list of bad movies since she killed it in Mean Girls, she still deserves a little recognition, right?
#64: Anna Faris (44): My friend Pam is somewhere lightly nodding.
#63: Ciara (67)
#62: Beau Garrett (46)
#61: Nicky Whelan (92): Australian accent - CHECK. Topless scene in the movie Hall Pass - CHECK. Hot - CHECK! That is grounds for a 30-spot move. (NOTE: Last one may be NSFW)
#60: Nicole Scherzinger (51)

#59: Jessica Alba (21): Is it just me or does it seem like all she does lately is churn out children and movies like Good Luck Chuck? P.S. For even participating in that god-awful monstrosity of a film I considered keeping her permanently off the list. Yes, it's that bad.
#58: Naya Rivera (43)
#57: Monica Bellucci (not listed): Another Ayal fave and sometimes you have do support your friends. Though not that difficult in this situation.
#56: Whitney Port (62)
#55: Lea Michele (28): Flavor of the week because of freaking Glee, but not buying her as a top-30 participant. (Last sentence sang to the tune of "Teenage Dream!")
#54: Elisha Cuthbert (65): If you watch her new show Happy Endings, then not only do you laugh, but you appreciate her return as a pretty hot girl with surprisingly good comedic timing. Welcome back!
#53: Hilary Duff (40)
#52: Lindsey Lohan (38): Not breaking the top 50. Sorry, but after quite a fall from grace, the determining factor is that for every one of these, you now also get one of these. shivers (P.S. how hilarious is that side-by-side picture?!)
#51: Rebecca Mader (39)

The Top 50...batting lead-off...

#50: Kim Kardashian (35): Yes, she is pretty hot. But as avid anti-fans of reality TV, Ayal and I agreed that dropping her was both a moral dilemma and also a moral responsibility. Still, though, pretty hot.
#49: Anne Hathaway (7): Top-10 actresses, sure. Top-10 hot list, can't do it. Although she does kill it when she goes on SNL.
#48: Mimi Anden (79)
#47: Brittany Snow (23): I still think we put her too high, but Maxim had her WAYYYYY too high. So much so that I am not even giving a link, damn it.
#46: Heidi Klum (not listed): Even now, still gorgeous. A timeless hot list girl.
#45: Katy Perry (3): Much like last year, we don't see it. I mean, the obvious is, well, obvious. But we've already discussed that (see Hendricks, Christina #98).
#44: Tess Taylor (not listed)
#43: Diora Baird (76): So much hotter than a #76 and behind the likes of Christina, Britney & Cameron. Give a girl a little credit when she is freaking killing it!
#42: Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (1); Yeah, that's right. Without any doubt or concerns we dropped the Maxim #1 to damn near out of the top 50. She is obviously hot, yet in that unique, exotic model style, and not so much that Megan-Fox-bending-over-the-car style from the first Transformers movie. And seeing as she is Megan Fox's replacement, we deemed our ranking strong to quite strong.
#41: Gisele (not listed)
#40: Emma Stone (42)

#39: Laura Vandervoort (74)
#38: Jennifer Aniston (not listed): All related stories about her being a Brad Pitt stalker and/or clingy nutcase aside, the woman is still bringing it hard lo these many years. Have you seen the Smartwater commercials/ads?? Yep, still has it.
#37: Olivia Munn (2): This was a drop for Ayal and I, but this was more Jordan requesting she be dropped even further. I'm not sure at one point in his life Jordan was spurned by Olivia, but he is still holding that grudge regardless. Sorry, Olivia.
#36: Cheryl Cole (not listed): Once again, Ayal and I are ahead of the Maxim curve because they just plain left off one of the newly-announced hosts of Simon Cowell's new reality shot (ick). She belongs on the list. For sure.
#35: Odette Annabelle (47)
#34: Rihanna (22)
#33: Julianne Hough (48)
#32: Natalie Portman (8): Similar in vein with the Anne Hathaway move, yes, she is probably #1 when it comes to young actresses. Almost without competition. But in terms of Hot 100? She has competition coming from every direction and is not really close to the top 10. Though it does hurt to do as she is also someone who once KILLED it on SNL. (side note, I could not find any pictures that really demonstrated remarkable hotness, but you have Google too, so let's make this one a DIY. Thanks.)
#31: Stacy Keibler (72): Ayal put it this way: "My case. I will say nothing more." Yeah, me too.
#30: Audrina Patridge (57): A fave for Jordan who, though at times looks like a fish, can also be pretty darned hot. So, for Jordan, here you go.

#29: Jennifer Lawrence (10)
#28: Jamie Chung (73): Now in The Hangover 2 (which better be freaking good), we are boosting her up based on the fact that she is both hot and most likely going to get more popular. This is a definite setup for a hopefully "We told you so" situation.
#27: Kaley Cuoco (13): Gripe all you want, this ranking is based on her being on the most popular terrible show since Two and a Half Men. Deal with it.
#26: Vanessa Hudgens (54): She's like a Mia Kunis in training. But she also leaks naked cellphone pictures (not posted, find them yourselves, perverts).
#25: Candice Swanepoel (not listed): My current desktop, a Victoria's Secret Angel & my current number one. I added her for me, since Ayal & Jordan both got their favorites on here and/or moved up. Got mine-- OH!
#24: Zoe Saldana (37)
#23: Megan Fox (17): The coveted MJ ranking goes to a girl who seems to be in the "I'm going to leave what I'm best at and play baseball for a couple years" moment in her life. Hopefully she will have a bounceback the likes of MJ's second 3-peat because after her first few years on the scene, I am sure most guy--myself included-- would love to see an improved encore performance. In other words, more of this and this please.
#22: Scarlett Johansson (14)
#21: Leighton Meester (16)
#20: January Jones (12)

#19: Dania Ramirez (33): Remember how on Entourage everyone's acting (aside from Ari) is just plain awful? Continuing, remember how Turtle is one of the worst on the show? Well, then you should also remember how you didn't have to think about that much last season because he shared the screen most of the time with Dania. And she is a great distraction.
#18: Blake Lively (not listed): Yeah, not f-wording listed. This chick was in the top 10 for like 3 years in a row and now to not be on the list? Criminal. Straight illegal! Hence, why we redo the list.
#17: Jordanna Brewster (11)
#16: Taylor Cole (71): Quite a jump for someone that is not too well-known, but she is most definitely one of the hotter women alive right now. I mean, sometimes, it just comes down to the "Oh My!" factor. She is all over that.
#15: Joanna Krupa (55): We had her in our top 10 last year, and she deserves MUCH better than outside the top 50. (Again, she was originally behind Kate Middleton, Amanda Bynes and Cameron-FREAKING-Diaz.)
#14: Eva Mendes (18)
#13. Minka Kelly (52): Way to be dumb, Maxim.
#12: Mila Kunis (5): For the sake of being redundant in comparison to our top 10 last year, we bumped her. But let's be honest, from here on out, you could make an argument for every single girl. Mila, you are still in my personal top 5, ha ha.
#11: Kelly Brook (60)
Finally...the top 10:

#10: Emmy Rossum (32): Exact email from Ayal:
"Now, were I doing the blog, my entry for #10 may go something like this.

Dear Emmy Rossum,

You made the top ten. barely. I'm not going to lie to you, there was some maneuvering to getcha in there. Are you "hotter" than Kelly Brook? Maybe not. But lets face it...ya had a GREAT year. Your FIRST EPISODE of a brand new series, you had a ridiculously hot sex scene on the counter of your kitchen, (that a female friend of mine admitted to rewinding...3 times) then followed that up with a nude scene/sex scene in EVERY EPISODE! I applaud you. So for that, you made it.

P.S. You're really hot too.

Appreciatively,

Ayal."

I have nothing to add.

#9: Alison Brie (49): Just missing the top 10, though was in the top 10 in the rough draft portion. This girl deserves so much more credit!
#8: Sofia Vergara (29)
#7: Brooklyn Decker (36): To paraphrase a text from Ayal I received about a month before that awful new Adam Sandler movie Just Go With It that Brooklyn is in: Miss Brooklyn Decker: welcome to the top 10 solely because of the scene of you in a yellow bikini walking out of the ocean. Sometimes, that is all it takes.
#6: Olivia Wilde (15)
#5: Emmanuelle Chriqui (45): Maxim underrating her is almost a tradition at this point, but so is our rankings moving her into our top 10. She is the best part of Entourage any more and really is deserving of the number one spot every single year. Yet, variety is the spice of life. Just the same, Emmanuelle is drop dead gorgeous.
#4: Bar Refaeli (6): Realistically speaking, one could make a case to put every SI Swimsuit model and/or Victoria's Secret Angel into the top 10 and especially into the list as a whole. That said, rather than do that, we just stockpiled near the end here starting with Bar. She is pretty darned deserving and is a solid representation of what those two aforementioned organizations have to offer. So solid.
#3: Sarah Shahi (24): The only issue with Sarah Shahi is not enough exposure. Jordan wanted her lower, but for the sake of originality and showing some over-appreciation for a very much underrated gorgeous woman. And just for reminder's sake, she too was behind (intentional pun, perhaps in poor taste) the likes of Anna Kournikova, Taylor Swift and Cameron-FREAKING-Diaz. (Really need to let that one go.)
#2: Marisa Miller (not listed): Yep. Not listed. Now, I should preface: Marisa is not a friend of mine. Not a former girlfriend (in a perfect world, maybe). Not a family member. Yet, I gotta say that I am borderline offended that she was left off the list. I feel like the parent who doesn't understand why their kid doesn't get any playing time on the basketball team only if their kid is Michael Jordan. What the hell, Maxim? (Side note, I have no business feeling that why and should not have put that into words. Weird.) Can anyone else join me in stating that while the Maxim Hot 100 is a great idea, their credibility is now tremendously in question? She. Is. Amazing. Lamp. (Added that last word just so I could link to one more picture. Back off.)
#1: Kate Upton (not listed): A few months ago Ayal sent me a text about Brooklyn Decker welcoming her to our top 10 as mentioned above. Not more than a few minutes after that he then went on to basically say the same thing about Kate Upton. Then Kate had a video of her doing the Dougie at a NBA game go somewhat viral. So, if you are not convinced/in love with Kate Upton after that video, well then I'm not sure what to tell ya. I can tell you that I would much rather see her in the new Transformers movie than the triple name chick they cast instead-- alas. So instead, we are casting her as our #1 for the revised Hot 100. And well deserved. She's not only drop dead gorgeous, but she could actually teach you how to Dougie. A Doctorate in the Douglas, one could say. And that has to count for something.

Thus concludes the revised top 100. Just to recap the top 10 (OUR vs. Maxim):
#10: Emmy Rossum (Jennifer Lawrence)
#9: Alison Brie (Cobie Smulders)
#8: Sofia Vergara (Natalie Portman)
#7: Brooklyn Decker (Anne Hathaway)
#6: Olivia Wilde (Bar Refaeli)
#5: Emmanuelle Chriqui (Mila Kunis) -----> Solid matchup right there
#4: Bar Refaeli (Cameron Diaz)
#3: Sarah Shahi (Katy Perry)
#2: Marisa Miller (Olivia Munn)
#1: Kate Upton (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley)

Advantage: Revised List. CUT TO: Game, Set, Match.
Hope you enjoyed this year's edition. See ya for another in 2012.

Talk soon...

Most Valuable Player & Person

2011-05-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

As a kid, sports was my life. From being thrust into tee-ball at age 3 and then to soccer, biddy basketball and eventually football, as a kid, sports was all I knew. At one point playing sports moved to attending events like Chicago Bears training camp as a youth, Sox games with the family, the eventual Cubs game and myriad other minor league sports like the Peoria Rivermen and even a Borussia-Dortmund Bundesleague soccer game when I was in Germany during my high school years.

Needless to say, I have a come a long way from being sports-centric to willingly writing about topics such as the most recent "Bachelor" blogs. (No, I'm not proud of that, ha.)

Of course, as a kid my hero changed a bit. During the 80s, Walter Payton was the end all, be all for sports heroes. A blue-collar player for a blue-collar team and city who worked harder than everyone to be better than everyone. From there I grew up and Michael Jordan emerged as the greatest athlete in his sport ever. To this day, I draw my competitive nature from being such a huge fan of Michael Jordan. Of course-- and as most sportswriters will attest and have done so in various books I have read-- his competitive streak was at times too much and over the top. Nonetheless, much like my hero before him in Payton, Michael worked harder than everyone to be better than everyone, though without the humility and kindness that Payton embodied.

Of my regrets in life, one is that I never was able to watch Michael Jordan play in person. Just the same, I have spoken at length with my buddy Tommy about how lucky our generation has been to see the players we have, whether live or on TV. From MJ to Peyton Manning to Roger Federer to Tiger Woods, we have certainly been a lucky generation as sports fans.

Fast forward to the spring of 2008, I am running on a treadmill after work while watching the NBA draft lottery. One-by-one, the envelopes are opened to reveal the draft order when I realize "Hey dummy, the Bulls are still up there. Pay attention." I slowed the pace on the treadmill and continued watching. The #3 pick envelope was opened and still not the Bulls. I decided to stop the treadmill and just stood there watching. The #2 envelope was opened to reveal the Miami Heat. At this point I screamed "Shit yeah" and most likely seemed like a psycho to those working out around me who were watching "Real Housewives of Spoiled Bitches County" or whatever those spoiled wives shows are. ANYWAY, we had the pick. We-- the Bulls-- also had a decision to make: take the kid from Memphis U who grew up in Chicago named Derrick Rose or the athletic freak out of K-State, Michael Beasley.

We chose wisely.

Fast forward again to today and the announcement that Derrick Rose is the Most Valuable Player of the NBA, the youngest MVP in NBA history and the first Bull to even be considered since MJ.

Wow.

As I mentioned before, my biggest regret is that I never saw Michael play. In contrast, one of the greatest times of my life has been the ability to go to games and watch Derrick Rose. His ability on the court is sensational and he appears to be a man amongst boys on some nights. But as the #1 pick this is to be expected.

What isn't expected is the way he did it. While Lebron was announcing taking his talents to South Beach, D-Rose was representing his country in the Olympics, playing and practicing against some of the best players in the world and getting better. Much like my heroes before him, D-Rose was working harder than everyone to be better than everyone and it worked. But more like Payton than MJ, Derrick shows humility. Derrick shows a competitive nature that drives him without being venomous and discussed as a negative aspect. He works hard, listens to his coach and speaks well of and is always spoken well of by teammates. He is a professional on and off the court; the kind of athlete we hope all athletes would be like, yet often times are not.

I was a lot younger when MJ was in his prime; old enough to know exactly how amazing he was at the game of basketball, but too young to realize what a jerk he tended to be at times as well. But now, I am now old enough to know how special a guy like Rose is not only because of what he does on the court, but because of who he is as well. As much as I can thank my childhood heroes for helping cultivate my own work ethic and competitive nature, to have a guy that embodies both the work ethic of MJ, but with the humility of Walter, Derrick Rose is the model that most athletes should strive for. He is a player you want the kid you thrust into sports at age 3 to watch, look up to and play like.

And he is a Chicago Bull.

One day, I hope Tommy and I are talking about how lucky we were to watch Rose play from beginning to end. I just hope everyone else who is watching realizes how lucky we are as well.

Talk soon...

The Bachelor: Hometown Heroes

2011-02-23T07:35:00.000-08:00

The countdown has begun.

Will he propose? Will she say "yes?" If she does, will he repeat back to her, "So you WILL marry me?" And then, will she then look at the camera finally realizing that she is marrying the modern day equivalent of "Rain Man?" The anticipation grows.

Regardless, "The Bachelor" is winding down to the finale and only four girls remain: Ashley H., Shawntel, Chantal & Emily, the outright favorite. For me, as I said last week, I am thinking Brad's order goes (from worst chance to best chance) Ashley H., Shawntel, Chantal & Emily. Of course, for weeks now I have been getting my butt kicked in our fantasy league and have no idea what to predict Brad will do next, so odds are good this is just a wide left guess as well.

However, this could be the last episode where there is something to actually comment on before the show turns all lovey-dovey and we see one guy and one girl make the second-biggest decision of their lives. (The first obviously being when they break-up and eventually propose/are proposed to again a few years later. But I digress...)

Let's go date-by-date:

CHANTAL O. DATE

- Brad prefaces the hometown dates with a little summary of each girl, for Chantal O. stating "I do think she's emotional." Holy understatement! That's like saying "I do think Michelle Money has ulterior motives and may or may not have ruined a NBA marriage." Yeah, Brad, her consecutive episode cry streak is as impressive as Favre's games started streak, so, sure, America agrees: maybe a little emotional.

- Chantal O. just went on about not feeling this way since her ex-husband. She then went to point out what great judges of character her parents are. You know, except for that one time. That would be like me saying I am a great non-murdering citizen except for the one time I killed a guy for stepping on my new shoes. Other than that though.

- Chantal is so normal and cool in the right setting.

- And then we see that she dresses her dog in people clothing and that whole theory is thrown in the trash. Lesson as always: Don't do that unless you are taking your dog into Chicago Thundersnow-esque conditions outside and the clothing is actually necessary. Please.

- "I want to be Boca's friend." Of course, Brad is referring to Chantal's dog. Of course now we're off on a topic. Females of the world: It does NOT matter how your dog interacts with the person you are dating/bringing home/thinking of marrying after a 10-week televised reality competition. It is a dog. It is loyal up until the point where someone is holding a piece of beef jerky. Then a mass murderer could be standing at the door and the dog will love him. Let's remember: not a human, still a dog. **Ladies skip to the next section**
(Males of the world: For some reason a lot of girls think that how their dog/cat/other pet welcomes you will determine whether you are a good suitor. If you score points with this/these animal(s) you will concurrently score with the girl. I am not sure why so many adhere to this theory, but you're welcome.)

- Chantal's mom has aged well and prompted the top tweet of the night for me from @sportsgall33 who tweeted: "Bill just saw Chantal's mom and said, 'Looks like those guns run in the family.' I seriously do not know what I am doing with him." (Be honest, after reading Sports Gal's tweets and seeing how she and the Sports Guy watch the show together, is there a married couple you'd more like to watch the show and hear comments from than the Simmons? I mean, them and my friends the Chois have to be the top 2.)

- Interesting similarity: Brad walking into Chantal's parents house reminds me of in "Meet the Parents" when Greg (Ben Stiller) first walked into Kevin's (Owen Wilson) home and it was a massive, immaculate home that is reserved usually for movies and as it turns out people really live in a place like that. WOW. The place looked like the Colosseum.

- Seriously. Her parents' home has more wine inventory than one of my restaurants (see Sono Wood Fired) and a massive statue in the courtyard. Chantal O. = new favorite

- Annnnnd, then we see her cry yet again (the streak continues!!) and we are reminded why she is tough to put into the top spot. Sheesh.

CONSENSUS: All in all a solid home date, with the parallels between her dad's life and Brad's own being eerily similar. The family seemed normal, loaded and she maintained all emotions for 95% of the date. Most definitely heading into the final episode.

ASHLEY H. DATE

- Ashley H. is a spark plug. Energy like that could get annoying from time-to-time-- it reminds me of that pop-a-mole game that Dave & Buster's-type places have; the one where you hold a mallet and hit the moles on the head as they pop up-- but a quick bop to the top of the head could perhaps settle her down.

- Fries with cheese and gravy. How did the Midwest miss this? We deep fry and cover everything in ranch, but the cheese + gravy combo has eluded us? Come on!

- Brad's manner of speaking intrigues me every week. We have established he likes to answer replies and/or questions with his own questions; he likes to repeat back what people said to him, but rewording it ever so slightly; recently realized he likes to use "damned" as an adjective, i.e. I am "damned" sure Brad will say "damned sure" in this episode, but that is a Texas thing; tonight's new one is saying something and reiterating it immediately after only this time using "so to show he means business, i.e. "I am confident-- SO confident-- that Ashley H. and I could end up together." At one point do we get the DVD edition of this season and start the Brad Womack drinking game?

- Ashley's sister: perhaps a reality TV spin-off character? The tattoos, the same quirky persona as Ashley H., but with a little edge? Get on it ABC!! The Hipster Bachelorette!

- I like Ashley's family. Her dad's flannel is killing it, the guy there who asked her if she would say "yes" to a proposal applauded her for saying she would wait to say "yes" until she learned more about him and they just seemed like a nice group of people.

CONSENSUS: Ashley H. did herself a favor by simply being herself and-- thankfully-- having a normal family. She seems to be more level-headed than the other girls and able to not have excess baggage (think Emily) and not being an emotional trainwreck (think Chantal). It will come down to her and Shawntel to go into the next round.

SHAWNTEL N. DATE

- A lead-in with a local network commercial from the Chico Mausoleum and Crematory. And, as all local commercials are, the four members of her family sitting on a patio deck and talking about taking care of your deceased loved ones was every bit as awkward as you would think.

- I don't get the decision-making of Shawntel. We get it. You have an odd job that is very unique and important to your life. But IS it your life? Was it really necessary for you to start your hometown date here? I mean, no pun intended, but you're digging your own grave right now.
(Okay, fine, the pun was half intended.)

- Of course this leads Brad to say "Will all of our conversations be centered around death?" Up until today, I would say "no" and think that would be ridiculous because it's just her job and you wouldn't necessarily have to talk only about her job, death, etc. all the time. That said, again, as in-depth as she is getting with this date and this job, is she uncomfortable obsessed with her job? Uh-oh for Shawntel.

- Annnnd, the facemask just sealed it for me. Shantel is going home. Talk about a choke job. Sheesh. Pardon my guy-dom for a minute, but this choke is worse than the 1998 Finals when Karl Malone had just beaten MJ out for the MVP award and then went on to miss two free throws that could have sealed the game giving MJ a chance to win on the final shot, which, of course, he did.

- Sorry about the sports rant, but to continue, why would Shawntel get so in-depth about her job. First, don't start the date there. At least meet in some random field like the first two girls did and go to the mausoleum on your first stop. Don't make Brad walk through the parking lot and into the place with you waiting and smiling like this is all commonplace. Then, once inside, just a simple your works. No need to elaborate on what tools do what, have Brad lay on the table, put a mask on, etc. JUST A TOUR WORKS, TOO! Aaaaahhhhh, this show is constantly trying my large wealth of common sense that I wish I could spread to others.

- There was a drawing of the 3 girls of the family on the wall in Shawntel's parents' home. It is in the room where Brad and her dad are having their one-on-one. Go back and look at it-- or don't-- because if you're anything like me, it will haunt your dreams. I could barely sleep last night. Wow.

- After the walk out of the house, Shawntel told Brad she loved him. The tension between them and the complete lack of "warmth" seen between Brad and the first two girls was prevalent. Between the family creating an awkward moment of disapproval on her not continuing the family trade followed immediately by seemingly forced approval and matched with her mausoleum in-depth, lay-on-the-table tour, Shawntel and her adorable laugh are heading back to Chico. No doubt. The only way she stays is if he goes to visit Emily and her kid ends up sitting in front of a TV touching the screen like the little girl in "Poltergeist."

EMILY DATE

- The daughter of Emily is about as fun or "fun-loving," as Emily said, as her mother.

- At first I thought the butterfly kite was a gift with a complete disconnect for what kids are into these days. With all the Miley, Bieber, etc. garbage out there and the weird Dora the Explorer and other odd things little kids are into, I thought the kite would fall short. When Ricky saw it at first I still thought that. Glad it worked out. Lesson: Kites-- ALWAYS underrated.

- I know I can't be the first to point this out, but can we talk about how Emily is only 24? How old is her kid? I know her story is tragic (fiance) and miraculous (daughter), but can we put this into perspective. She was 15? 16? 17? When she met the "love of her life." Can't that be said about everyone at that age? Don't our parents who console us when it doesn't work out refer to that as "puppy love?" I don't question how she felt about her fiancee, her maturity to handle it and raise her daughter, etc., but let's be realistic and keep this in perspective.

- And that's all I got from the Emily date. Three thoughts. And one about a freaking kite. Which leads us to this: What is her appeal? I get that she is a complete sweetheart. I get that she is super pretty and adorable. I get that she has this tragic story about her past that ended with her raising her adorable daughter. But what else do we have or have we learned about Emily? That she is really mature for her age? All things considered, she is so freaking boring I am dumbfounded at her mass appeal. Although, this makes me think that she could win. Neither her or Brad are really that funny, they are both pretty simple-- why couldn't they live a boring life together, never getting too excited and just sitting around looking at each other without having to do too much thinking?

CONSENSUS: Emily has been the favorite to win for a while now. I said that out of the gate, but thought we would learn more about Emily than the two shining characteristics: her daughter & her back story. We have not. In comparison to the other three, she is quite dull to be honest. Fortunately, she is a Southern Belle who is too sweet to not stay and Shawntel brought Brad to a mausoleum for a solid hour, so Emily, of course, moves on.

ROSE CEREMONY

- Why leave the last two with the same-but-spelled-differently name? This should be confusing as well as cruel and unusual until he says the last name initial.

- The walk-out is always so weird, especially because he still holds Shawntel's hand and at one point rubs her knee. I find this odd. I hope I am not the only one.

- Favorite thing I cannot believe I missed until last night: First, quick back story: My buddies Brian Adams (real name) and Soko do this thing where is someone does something that embarrasses them, they will make a serious face, grab your arm and say "Hey, can I talk to you for a second over here?" It kills every time. Brad has done this almost every week and I cannot believe I never noticed. I now love this. After elimination, he looked at Shawntel with a "can I talk to you for a second," at which point I wanted him to just say "You could have won. I get it you have this odd job. For future reference, don't start a date there and don't make it seem like your life will forever be centered around a job. A job is a means. Get it together. And here is my buddy Mike's number. He writes this great blog, you should grab dinner with him. He doesn't mind about your weird job." Just saying.

So, for next week, my top 3:
3. Ashley H. - I'm rooting for her, though I don't think she will win. Most normal of the 3 despite going with the questionable tiny ponytail for this week's hometown date. Dress it up, Ash. It could be your last chance.
2. Chantal - When she wants to be, the coolest of the 3. Other times, off in the corner crying. I gotta agree with Brad when he wonders if that same up-and-down persona will exist after the show. If so, no thank you.
1. Emily - They can go live their uninteresting, laughter-free lives together. And produce children that will look like Barbie & Ken dolls.

And here we are-- show almost over, blogging about the show almost over. I will try and scrounge up some interesting stories and hope I have landed some new followers of the blog here who will keep pace even after Brad decides which girl will be his future ex-fiancee/wife. Until then...

Talk soon...

The Bachelor: All Good Things...

2011-02-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

I have to begin by apologizing for the blog delay. I planned on posting it a day late on Wednesday, but I came home to find a virus on my computer that pretty much eliminated any and all Internet connectivity, hence, no post.

(That's also the last time I try to download a pre-screening, bootlegged copy of "Just Go With It." You know, the quirky comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler. The one where on a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend. I mean, it looks amazing right? Hilarious, in fact? No? Can I at least get some love for the Brooklyn Decker bikini scene? Good-- glad we could agree on that one.)

Anyway, a lot of big moves on this week's Bachelor. Of course, the fantasy league is over for me as I had last pick again and was stuck with Britt. Britt, as you may know, is the only food writer who apparently can write about food without actually eating any of it. They should've put her on the Bachelorette Ali's "Bachelorette-15" (think Freshman-15) to make her seem more visible to the cameras.

Regardless, the episodes are coming to that point where the psychos, weirdos and nutcases are all eliminated and it becomes tough to watch and mock the remaining contestants who I actually have a fondness for. (Think: Shawntel)

But I did my best. Here are a few thoughts:

- Let's start with the first date. Not the date itself, but Brad's suggestion of planning this date. I love his lead-in "I have planned a wonderful date for Emily." No, Brad you have not. You would be back in Texas going out for some BBQ and swinging by one of your bars for most likely a Heineken. ABC put you in Anguilla, chartered you a helicopter, found you an island to land on and told you where to head to hop the copter. Stop saying you planned any of these dates, sir. The jig is up.

- Phrase of the episode: "We are losing the sun, but gaining the moon." Thanks, Bill Shakespeare. Maybe pushing the attempts at romanticism a little far, Brad. Either that or the producer talking to the earpiece in Brad's ear needs to know his audience and/or who he is speaking for. A more appropriate statement: "The sun is going down, no doubt about it."

- I love the most awkward moment of the night: Brad trying to pull a chair out for Emily on the beach. The sand caused so many issues right there. Follow that up with Brad trying to scoot a little closer to the table and still having awkward sand complications. Sometimes I just giggle at this show.

- Brad doesn't care about the rules. He cares about Emily. Just an FYI and a follow-up to the corniest, cheesy line of the episode. This is two in one date! Nice work!

- I'm skipping the Britt date. She as skinny as Jack Skellington and about as dull as a park bench, so I think we all saw this coming. Seems like a sweetheart, had a nice cliff jump, but the awkwardly long hair and inability to hold a solid convo tells me it's not worth rehatching.

- Okay fine, two quick Britt date notes: 1) They are on the boat and the camera pans to a bird flying toward the water and then a loud, pterodactyl sound occurs. Again, ABC, go to the beach. Birds do not sound like this. Michelle's dying victims, yes. Birds, no. 2) When Michelle said something along the lines of Britt & Brad sailing on the sea of love and their ship going down, I think that puts us at around 18 different times Michelle has mentioned physically hurting or sabotaging another person on this show. If you have a friend about to date Michelle, if you're a true friend you will give him a DVD copy of this season. And hire him a bodyguard.

- Shawntel. le Sigh. What is an adorable, seemingly normal girl like you going on TV to find a temporary boyfriend for? Of course, I would think that this season is going to come down to Shawntel versus Emily. I am not sure how Emily could win out. I get she is pretty, such a sweetheart, blah, blah, blah, but she is kind of dull too and her convos with Brad show no chemistry at all. She just kind of sits there. It's like talking to a deaf person who can read lips, but not very well. I'm not sure that makes sense.

- Real quick backtrack: What is the helicopter count of this season? Is it just me or does it seem like we see a helicopter ride at least once an episode now?

- Bonus point about Shawntel for Brad: She has no problem getting in there and interrupting a dominoes game. But then again, that's a top selling point for most girls I take to Anguilla. You can NOT eff around when it comes to dominoes in Anguilla.

- Adding to the Brad drinking game, we have already established that whenever he answers a question or a comment with a question of his own it is 5 drinks. I would like to add when he makes cliche statements like "No doubt about it." Go back an re-watch some episodes. This guy LOVES "no doubt about it." For me, I think this should be a "chug your beer" rule. To predict, no doubt about it-- Brad will say "no doubt about it" next week.

- I feel like this is how girls end up in porn. A nonchalant photographer telling them they are hot, looking so good and then...the notorious "you know what would make this really hot? If you took your top off" line. Next thing you know, it's a gangbang. Weird.

- Loving this photoshoot. Finally after reducing her from a spunky, face-slapper down to a constantly crying doormat, Brad gets to see Chantal's boobs as he has wanted to since Day 1. Congrats, Brad. You can now make a well-informed decision on whether seeing those things and dealing with daily crying is really worth it.

- Annnnnnnd, Chantal is crying. I understand they seem to have a solid chemistry and that, when she wants to, Chantal can look pretty good. (And when she wants to she can also where enough blush to put a clown to shame.) That said, the chick professed her love to Brad after around 6 weeks of knowing him and has cried during the last 4 episodes. But hey, different strokes to move the world, I guess. I prefer my girls without light sobbing and mascara running down their face, but I'm an old soul I suppose.

- Finally! Michelle is gone and the entertainment value of my blog will be reduced by 50% or so. It's a sad day for the blog. She left us so many cold glares, ill-timed make-outs and psychotic statements I am not sure we will ever see another contestant like her again. I hope they paid her to behave that way because I would like to think no girl is that chemically imbalanced.

- Michelle just slowly, without blinking or changing expression, began to lay down in the back of the limo. What a crazer! All I wanted was for the camera to pan out slowly and you see the brake lights flash, the car begin to swerve and then u-turn it, cutting to the driver unconscious in the passenger seat and Michelle driving 90 mph back to the house repeating "my precious, my Brad." But I will settle for her b.s. performance on "Ellen" instead. (Kind of scared a friend of a friend of someone who reads this knows Michelle. Hope not. Now looking over shoulder at all times.)

And then there were four: Chantal, Shawntel, Ashley H. & Emily.
Some awards:
Dead Weight/She Gone! Award: Ashley H.
Most Likely to Win, Though She Shouldn't: Emily
Most Likely to Lose, Though She Shouldn't: Shawntel
Most Likely to Cry No Matter What Happens: Chantal

Psyched to see how this pans out, to be honest. I am hoping for some weird family members or something to fill the void left by Michelle. The preview suggests that the nature of Shawntel's job and how Brad handles it may be some fine unintentional comedy, but I don't want to jinx it.
Until then my only request is if you hear of Michelle coming to Chicago for an appearance or some other nonsense, let me know so I can hide out with a friend or something.

Talk soon...

The Bachelor Episode 6: The Pact

2011-02-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

I love that the title of this particular entry sounds like a bad movie starring Leighton Meester or some other up and coming actor I have never heard of in my life. I am definitely starting to feel like an old man when I have no idea who famous young people are these days.

Then again, too much dumb TV and I feel I could turn retarded, so I parental blocked most shows on E! from my cable box in order to stay relatively intelligent moving forward. I would do the whole station, but "The Soup" is too amazing. No one makes fun of Brad and the ladies quite like Joel McHale.

(And that, my friends, is known as a "segway.")

Heading into Week 6, there are obvious front-runners, dead weight and one psychotic woman who all of America is hoping Brad finds out is a nutcase, but we are also not sure he is really bright enough to make that determination. And, in related news, my fantasy league odds are stacked pretty high. The last two weeks I have had the last pick, leaving me this week with the options of Alli, Jackie or Britt. I am going with Britt and hoping she either A) eats a full meal and/or B) advances. Though, for the sake of her health and ability to be visible on camera, I am going for both.

I watched the show solo this week as the Chois are busy bees, so just some running thoughts from beginning to end:

- I missed the first 20 minutes, so I apologize for no thoughts on the opening date. As it were, for me Chantal has gone from a fave to win to a crying, doormat who wouldn't even so much as think about slapping Brad now as much as she would rather just smile at him through her cheeks glowing with blush. What a sad turn of events. I was rooting for her because she was the first to call "bullshit" at almost anything, but now, she may as well just lay down at the front door of the house.

- So, on to the group date. Little known fact: Michelle hates group dates. (I mean, seriously! What is with this chick and repeating the same point over and over and over and over. This happens once per episode. It's as if she has no memory, which explains why she feels no remorse for the 4 previous boyfriends she has killed. Thank God Boozer go out safe! GO BULLS!)

- Ashley H. just bothers me. Most recently she observed Brad rooting everyone on when repelling down the waterfall and said "Brad is so AMAZING! He is telling all of us it's going to be okay." Well, yeah, Ash. Did you think he would stand above you while repelling down a jagged rock dumping gallons of water on your head that it looks like your rope is fraying? Or before you made your first leap he'd mention that death is a possibility? My main concern now is for her patients at the dentist's office. If she is surprised by Brad being so supportive and encouraging, is that because at the dentist's office the head guy usually tells patients "Sure, there is a chance you could die once we put you under?" Oh, Ashley H. You remind me of how I miss Ashley S./wished she lived in Chicago and was dating me.

- So apparently, Michelle and Brad made some sort of pact. I have so many thoughts on the outrageous nature of her pact complaint that i think my brain hurts right now. I mean, who takes fun, in-the-moment agreements like that as gospel? What is wrong with this girl? My only dream is that years from know Brad takes up rock climbing and one day the rope loosens and he looks up and sees Michelle holding the anchor end while wearing a mask and smiling.

- Back at the house Alli just reacted to a bug in a more dramatic fashion than the couple in "Paranormal Activity" after the wife was being dragged throughout the house by a ghost. What do you think the odds are she cried? (Brad's reaction to this screaming on the date was priceless. That said, on a separate note, I had no idea that the group date was so close to the house. If this is the case for the other group dates going forward, what's to stop Michelle from leaving the house to drop-in unannounced on a group date? Has this ever happened? I feel like she should be the one to set any new psychotic precedents.)

- FINALLY! After weeks of witnessing Michelle being a complete nut-job and casting her judgment and psychosis all over the house, date, etc., Brad finally put her in her place and told her he can make his own decisions and that she needs to live with it. Of course this just prompted Michelle to state in a one-one-one camera time to say she may have to take "matters into her own hands." This of course prompted my fave tweet from @sportsgal33 tonight, which read: "Pretty sure Michelle's getting that itchy 'I gotta kill' feeling again. After Brad said he's not handing out a rose at the group date Michelle told the cameras that if he couldn't make decisions, she was going to have to take it into her own hands. RUN!"

- Michelle just stopped in to Brad's place to give him a laundry list of the girls left and the order in which she think they should be booted off. Has there ever been a more desperate move in the history of this show. The sad thing is that Michelle could win if she would just relax! She is in tip-top shape by the look of it, typically looks as pretty if not prettier than most of the girls and without the chemical imbalance would be a realistic front-runner. Alas.

- Onto the next one-on-one date featuring Alli, the Girl Who Cries. Am I a little surprised that she didn't cry while reading the envelope for her date? Well, this question is rhetorical.

- I wonder how much information Brad is given before these dates. The guy is one step above a functional retard (think Rain man) and he blurts out random tidbits of knowledge like "this cave here is over 40 million years old." This show has so many compelling side "stories" that I now understand why I find it so entertaining. It's the outrageousness (new word!) of it all.

- Why does every date now involved swimming and the girls going from done-up and mascara-ed out for their date and then turning into lagoon creatures once they head underwater? On one hand, you get a true glimpse into how these girls roll when not done up, on the other, sometimes it's just scary. (Second fave @sportsgal33 tweet: "Emily and Brad just had a moment...after telling him she sabotages relationships...Emily dove into the pristine water which then turned black from the 39 lbs. of mascara she had on." CLASSIC!)

- As soon as Alli told the story of being unable to picture her previous boyfriend as the face of the man at the alter in her wedding scenario and referenced him as a friend she could always hang out with, she totally did not realize that she just gave Brad the exact thing he wanted to say to her. Ouch. Talk about foot-in-mouth.

- When Brad said, "we're sinking," I am not sure Alli understood that he was referring more to their odds of continuing on after this date than to the island they were dining on. They have chemistry similar to two twin siblings who are a little too friendly. What an awkward dinner date.

- Fave moment of the night: Brad saying he could carry on a date with anyone. Note to Brad: Taking what someone said, repeating it and then asking a vague question relating back to what they already told you is not being able to converse with anybody.
EXAMPLE
Cue Brad: [nodding] Vague questions. Hmmm. So, do I ask less questions then?
Cue Me: Be right back. I'm going to go light myself on fire.

- New fave moment: Alli saying to herself "I don't know why I'm crying." I do! Because it's a new episode of this show and you cry every week! Add that to the various reasons why you were eliminated. You know, despite the HUGE turn-on it is to date a girl who cries constantly.

- DISCLAIMER: I am a Brad fan. I like that the guy is a straight shooter. He was no-nonsense with the group date. He told Alli like it was and sent her packing. He let Michelle know she needs to back off of his decision making. I like the guy. As dumb as he comes off at times, as well as boring, at least he is making an attempt to actually end this season WITH someone. Not to mention-- and I know I said this before-- but I respect the guy for not staying with the girls on his last season as opposed to settling, getting married and inevitably getting divorced. (And yes, I hated writing that last paragraph. I'm now going to go roll in dirt and eat raw meat to re-establish that I am a male.)

- As she was leaving, Alli said she will miss Brad a lot. HOW?!?! Tonight was her FIRST solo date. How much of this is being edited out? Are they getting WAY more time than I think they are with this guy? I just don't get how after 6 episodes (which I think translates to 6 weeks, but I am not 100% on that), ANYONE could be falling in love with someone that they are not even exclusively talking to on a daily basis. UGH! Damn you, Bachelor and ABC!!

- Michelle just said "I don't know if I'm crazy, or--" [cue camera guy shooting her] "Stop. Stop right there, Michelle. You are. All of us on set, we are terrified of falling asleep with you around."

- Shawntel just laughed and it was the cutest thing in the world. She is my fave.

- And in other similar name-sounding, but different name-spelling news, Chantal just told Brad she was in love with him. Wow. The emotional transparency of this show is unreal. My doormat comment from before just hit a home run. Don't show all of your cards, lady! Play a little hard to get-- the face slap, the back talk, these are the things that made the guy like you to begin with. Yet, now you bust an "I am in love with you" after knowing him for 6 weeks? I have friends I met 6 months ago I am still unsure about whether I like them. Emotionally desperate moves: don't work. Bad strategy.

- My rankings heading into the final 6:
#6: Ashley H.
#5: Britt
#4: Chantal O.
#3: Michelle
#2: Shawntel
#1: Emily

My draft pick next week: #6. Ouch.

I was a big fan of this week's episode. Girls being put in place, Michelle late night visiting/finally revealing she a nut to Brad, Shawntel laughing-- just solid across the board. Let's all hope the others in my league turn dumb next week so I will not be eliminated, but I am doubting that happening. Now is when Tesha shines (she started the season in back-to-back last place and has now won twice in a row. Solid).

But it could be worse. I could be stranded in Anguilla with a chronic crier who thinks she is in love with me and a psychotic killer who is starting to get the itch again. Eeek!

Talk soon...

The Bachelor Episode 5: Stop Crying. Please.

2011-02-01T08:32:00.000-08:00

Another Monday passes by and another episode of "The Bachelor" is in the books. And what an episode it was.

Before I get into that, though, let me go back to last week's blog to clarify one thing: I am not player hating on Brad. Do I think he is a cardboard, bland kind of guy? Based on what ABC has shown me, sure. However, I also would say he appears to be a very nice human and a genuine guy. So let it be known I am not hating, just commenting on how he is about as funny as a tree and seemingly as interesting and I don't 100% get everyone "falling for him."

But that is why TV show editors have jobs, so I digress...

In the fantasy league, we are only drafting one girl and next week we pick the girl who we will have to stick with for the rest of the season. I have been falling every week since the show began, as predicted. I can tell you who he will go with when it's superficial and more relating to common sense, but know with all these *wince* feelings and *gag* emotions, I am clueless. Case in point: This week-- with my one pick-- I took Ashley S. So that's nice.

Anyway, here are some thoughts on episode 5 in no particular order...

- I love Shawntel. I was really hoping Brad would cast her off, she would go searching for a new adventure and leave the funeral job for a stint and end up in Chicago. The girl is adorable. I want to put her in my pocket. Alas.

- ABC has some balls. You would have to think there is at the very least the potential chance to have a widowed mother ending up on the group date involving the very profession that her dead fiance was a part of before his death. Emily, of course, did end up on this date and I would love to call it ironic, but I think it is more just cold-blooded. There are not other activities in all of Las Vegas? This couldn't have been a one-on-one date to lessen the chances a little? That said, Emily handled it like a trooper.

- On the other hand, Alli did not. To answer her rhetorical question, yes, Alli, the one with the worst story, in this situation specifically, does get all the attention. You nutcase. Lesson to people going on this show: Please stop crying and complaining about not being special, not getting enough time, etc. and then when your alone time does come you complain about other girls and cry. [robot voice] Yes. Because that is what guys are looking for. The insecure, crying types. Oh boy.

- Cue: Chantal O. crying and slipping a "love" in there. Eeeesh.

- I am excited for the awkwardness of this 2-on-1 date for multiple reasons. One, Brad is already kind of awkward throughout this entire episode because of the intense setting for the group date. Two, I just enjoy that he will, at some point, have to say "Ashley, you're not for me. But Ashley, will you accept this rose?" (I am scared that this show can, at times, entertain me so much. Reason 649 that we are failing as a society: This is Season 15 of this show. Wow. And now I feel like a part of the problem and not the solution. Oh dear.)

- I will post a couple of great tweets by @sportsgal33 at the end of the blog, but I will paraphrase one here. Ashley S. lost it when she was eliminated, moving straight from light sobbing to full-on crying (fantasy points for me!). To paraphrase, how often do the marriages on this show actually work out? Are you really that upset you didn't leave married? IT NEVER WORKS! If anything he did you a favor so you can go take your newly found 15 minutes of fame and find a human in the real world. Dry those tears, Cinderella. It's all going to work out.

- I do feel bad for Ashley S. though and any girl who would go on this program-- or one like it-- and after losing question what is wrong with herself. Nothing is wrong with you. Except for you went on national TV in order to compete with 20+ other girls in hopes of finding a legitimate marriage.

- What's with the Metallica roadie they sent in to grab Ashley S.' luggage? How is this not part of what Chris Harrison does on this show? Wouldn't it be better for Chris Harrison to come in, clink his glass and let them know Ashley S. was sent home, rather than sending the guy who narcs out Robert DeNiro at the end of "Heat"? I loved that he came in, looked at each bag, quickly questioned his career choice, grabbed Ashley S.' bag and left. No words.

- Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. I hope you make it to the end. She took Brad into a secluded room, closed the door and wouldn't let him speak. Isn't this also how most waterboarding experiences start? "Go send some girls home now." Classic line from this season.

- Hard to believe that after weeks of never engaging Brad, being seen on camera 3 times total in 3 episodes and never having any one-on-one camera talking time, Lisa M. actually was sent home. Does every season have one of these people or is it just a coincidence that in the two seasons I watched (this year's Bachelor and last year's Bachelorette), both Lisa M. and Chris N. never did anything and still lasted longer than anyone would have guessed? I feel like this should be something you can gamble on: who did the very least, but still lasted on the show.

- The more I watch the previews for the rest of the season at the end of the show, the more clueless I become with who will win. Emily should-- and America loves her-- but I think she almost ruins things for herself by not opening up. Seems like Chantal is going to cry her way right out of it. (Boobs can only work for so long.) And, honestly, I think Brad has been duped by Michelle so much she could actually win. At which point, my head would explode. (Can we mention that she had a hand in ruining current Bulls forward Carlos Boozer's marriage? What kind of background check does ABC really do? Are we going to find out, like in movies, that as it turns out Michelle's real identity is code name: Jackal and she is part of a spy unit or something?)

- My fave 3 tweets from @sportsgal33:
"Bill just said 'Whenever they show Brad's therapist, I expect the camera to pan back and reveal he's naked from the waist down.'"
"Lisa taught us a valuable lesson: cheap haircut + cheap clothes + wearing the same piece of jewelry with every outfit = you're going home."
"I don't know what went on with the makeup this season. I think they hired a retired beauty pageant makeup artist to save money."

Like I said, another great episode in the books. Heading into next week's draft I am torn. I am pretty sure I will have the last pick after Ashley S. was eliminated this week and probably scored me only about 2 points. That said, Emily, Shawntel and most likely Michelle will all be off the board. So who else can win? Do I just pick out of a hat at that point? Is Chantal O. still a contender despite the episodic crying she does? And most importantly, are my priorities in order when I am this concerned about our Bachelor fantasy league? Uh-oh.

Stay tuned, we shall see!

Talk soon...

The Bachelor Episode 4: I'm At a Loss

2011-01-25T22:41:00.000-08:00

So much was revealed this week in the newest episode of "The Bachelor." At the very least I can say that this show is beginning to test the very fiber of my television watching being. Some things I just do not get.

In fact, there are a lot of things I do not get. So rather than go through a laundry list of side comments, why not leave a series of issues I am having with this show that can be pondered on, answered or just left to remain as the season goes on.

Here we go...

- Right out the gate, I don't get the girls of this show or the girls of America when it comes to their fondness for Brad. I understand he is quite a looker. I get that he has a great physique and apparently owns some bars in Texas, which I am sure pays the bills and then s0me. But then where do we go? Has the guy said anything remotely interesting in 4 weeks? Has he ever not answered a sincere statement or story from one of the girls with anything but a question? I mean, COME ON! There has never, ever been a more cardboard, dull, semi-retarded individual I have devoted this much time to watching in my life. I hope to God that most of the ladies I know-- and I know some pretty cool girls-- are watching this for the sheer entertainment value and hoping the retard in question ends up with Michelle and laughing when he does. I hope we are not rooting for him or fawning over him because I would like to think a guy as inept and dull as this fellow is not what the females of the world are truly looking for. And if it is, then I will be out back holding my head on the porch grill.

- I do not understand how Michelle could possibly have dated a guy long enough to impregnate her. I get that she is hot, but isn't their a breaking point? For example, I love boozing. But even I will get to a point when I say "Yeah, this could be the most fun night of my life, but I am on a 5-day bender and have maintained a steady diet of light beers and 2 a.m. burritos. Tonight I take a break and cut off the boozing." This could be called "pulling a Snooki" (post beach arrest style). That said, what guy was so consumed by her attractiveness that he stuck through the crazy long enough to actually have a child with her? I don't get it.

- I don't understand why I wrote that last paragraph? She obviously found a guy she liked and was torn between drugging him and dropping him into the pit in her basement or pulling the goalie (for those who don't know what that means, it implies she stopped taking her birth control and did not tell her significant other) and becoming pregnant in order to keep him around. And when she did turn out pregnant and he didn't stick with her, she then drugged him and dropped him into the pit in her basement. I guess I do get this one.

- I don't get Chantal O. On one hand, she seems completely normal, a pretty cool chick who calls Brad on being a retard and should be dating someone else who has some semblance of a personality and also has seemingly great boobs. That said, why does she cry every episode? She plays these amazingly fantastic mind games with Michelle (I especially liked the one where she said all the other envelopes with the solo date mentioned love, but Michelle's didn't-- a GREAT mind game!), but then cries multiple times throughout every episode. And then goes and puts on more blush. What is wrong with this chick? I don't get it.

- I don't understand girls like Ashley H. Every group has that friend that needs reassurance all the time and this chick takes it to monstrous heights that I have never even seen before. And then, right as she is about to get the ultimate form of reassurance that this show allows (the group date rose), she opens her mouth and totally shoots herself in the foot. Again, I am just struggling to see why so many of these girls are so torn after barely knowing this cardboard cut-out of a human being for so few weeks yet being so hung up on him. The desperation of the women of this show is at times frightening, especially since some of them seem like beautiful,normal girls. I don't get it.

- I don't understand why Michelle has to repeat herself to freaking much. She mentioned her birthday a few episodes ago at least 15 times if memory serves me. Now, between her black eye (and I don't even know where to begin with that one. How do you wake up with a black eye? This is like Mark Wahlberg in "Fear" but to a whole new level.) and the fact that the day of her solo date was "her day," I do not know what I am going to write about when Michelle gets tossed. I may have to just stop writing about this season. She provides so much material that classes at uppity colleges that allow odd curriculum like "The Bachelor and Its Place in Modern Culture" will have semesters devoted just to the Michelle case study. I don't get how any chick can be this nuts and the guy not get it. Wait, we already went over Brad being a clueless dolt, so cancel that. I'm clear on this one.

- I don't get why Emily is on this show. Someone please explain to me why someone as genuine and sweet and pretty as she seems to be would even consider this as an outlet for a relationship. Is it because as a single mother with such a tragic past it is tough to just get out there and meet someone? Is it because she had such a horrible story so far she is desperately searching for a more storybook tale that his program could potentially provide, though rarely does? I don't get it.

- Why does Lisa M. keep advancing when she hasn't even spoken a word on camera for a solid two weeks? What is ABC editing out of these shows? Lisa M. is remarkably pretty, albeit with questionable hairstyles sometimes. Still, what is happening in these episodes and when the camera is not around that is keeping her here? And more importantly, why do I keep drafting her on my fantasy team every week? I don't get it.

And now a few notes:

- sportsgal33 Tweet of the Night: [in reference to Britt getting the group date rose] "Britt, will you accept this rose...and this peanut butter milkshake...and this butter poundcake...and this bacon double cheeseburger..." Classic!

- Brad referred to Michelle as a mature woman with a lot of experiences. You know who else was seemingly mature with a lot of experiences? Hannibal Lecter.

- In a sudden and unreal turn of events-- and to the shock and joy of Tommy's prediction-- next week's episode actually DOES go to the NASCAR experience. Did the producers just listen to Emily's story , get into a roundtable discussion and just say "Let's completely ruin this chick. First, let's put her on a solo date in a small 10-person plane then plan a group date in the very sport that her dead fiance took part in." Poor Emily and now Tommy looks like a diabolical genius. Double zinger!

That's all I got for this week. I find that writing about the show is much more fun when Michelle does not get the date and has to sit and wonder what is occurring and really let her psychotic mind run with things. So here's to next week when he leaves her behind on his solo date in Vegas and she becomes the newest suspect in the Bachelor case in the following week's CSI episode. Until then.

Talk soon...

The Bachelor Episode 3: Baggage, Baggage, Baggage

2011-01-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

Holy wow.

The most recent Bachelor revealed a lot to Brad and the viewers. So far, we have two dads who passed away, one dead fiance, Brad's past issues from a past season and then Ally revealed a cheating dad and half-sister she didn't know about. In short, Brad had a whole lot of baggage dropped on him yesterday, enough that the show could've ended with a Jerry Springer last word.

Of course, the tweet of the night was from sportsgal33 who said "This season has the most baggage yet: 2 dead dads, a dead fiance and the 6 dead guys Michelle killed and buried in Utah."

Yep, that about sums it up for Michelle.

In any case, last night's evening of television with the Chois led to a fun blog for today in the form of the running diary. If you are just reading this now, the running diary was started by ESPN writer Bill Simmons and basically goes minute-by-minute updates and occasionally chiming in with opinions, remarks, insults and-- in this case-- stellar quote from Tesha and Tommy.

So here we go...
(P.S. With the second pick in our fantasy draft I took Ashley S. & Lisa M., just a FYI.)

7:03: Three minutes in and Michelle has already established herself as the craziest person in the house/in the history of ABC/a likely serial killer. So, we can all just agree now that Brad is either completely dense or isn't THAT much different from before as he is willing to keep a psychotic, potential killer around because she's hot. And this is at the 3-minute mark.

7:06: Ashley S. just revealed her love for the song "Kiss From a Rose." Apparently she and her dad used to get together and sing this song. As in, the phrase "Hey Ashley, get on down here and sing some of this Seal song with me again!" would be heard frequently heard in the Ashley S. household. Weird.

7:08: I don't think tone deaf does this duet justice, but a fun date just the same. Side note, did anyone else notice the sound engineer stringing up a noose?

7:10: Awww, Ashley S. just called Seal "Mr. Seal." She is freaking adorable.

7:14: Just to reiterate, Ashley S. = adorable defined. Has now become one of my top 3 faves.

7:16: The group date ladies are revealed and Michelle is not happy about her selection. Of course, she complains, claims Brad as her own and promptly begins to cry. Can we all just remember that we are two weeks in? Lesson: Hair stylists from Utah are insane.

7:21: Seeing Michelle in the car is a riot. She mopes, doesn't even help pass a water bottle to the person next to her and looks prepared to set someone on fire. This, of course, is the recipe for one of the girls talking smack about her to Brad which is ALWAYS bad. Looks desperate and, as they say, any publicity is good publicity. She knows the game. Scary.

7:23: During the action scene filming, Sarah P. states that "Brad is REALLLLLY good at this." We then agreed that is the last time we will have to hear Sarah P. talk this season.

7:24: Tommy now officially hates Michelle. While Brad was "fighting" three normal, casually dressed Asian guys, she referred to them multiple times as ninjas. Tommy added "Come on, because they're Asian they have to be ninjas. Those are just Asian guys. They're not even dressed up." I love TV night at the Chois.

7:27: Shawntel is already one of my top 3, but after her stunt scene performance I think she may even be a dark horse to get to the final 3 girls. Stepped it up!

7:28: Michelle just made her fourth or fifth violent suggestion. I hope ABC has forensics on-set.

7:34: Chantal just revealed her dead dad story, the second of the episode for Brad. Poor guy. Does anyone have any light-hearted tales of capricious youth? Throw the guy a bone!

7:34: Cue Brad consoling a crying Chantal while not wearing a shirt = snot bubbles on bare shoulder. Not a fan. Ewwww.

7:38: As the swimming races begin in the post-group date after party, I find myself thinking of "Saved by The Bell." In particular, the trip to Hawaii for Jesse Spano's dad's wedding. At one point they have a swimming race and, because of her disdain for her dad's fiancee, Jesse races against the fiancee and pushes her head underwater mid-race. Not only did we all agree that Michelle would most likely reenact this scene, we half considered the camera to pan over to someone swimming, watch them be pulled under ala "Jaws" and Michelle pop up a few seconds later acting a little too nonchalant. When she eventually is eliminated, all of the fun convos will be gone. Sad face.

7:40: Poor Alli. She manages to pull Brad away for some private time, only to have Michelle steal him away, leading to this gem from Brad: "Hey, uh, do you , uh, are you good? Uh, I'm gonna, you know..." Ouch. Are you good? That hurts.

7:42: After hearing Michelle rave about how great her first kiss with Brad would be, she finally makes her move, prompting Tesha to quip "Where are the fireworks? [pause] Stupid bitch." Safe to say, the Chois are not Team Michelle.

7:46: The devastation of Michelle not getting a rose will be so epic that it may achieve "Do not delete until manually erased" status on my DVR.

7:49: If you are not rooting for Emily, you have no soul.

7:50: Because she has yet to tell Brad about her fiance, Tommy suggested the irony of their first date being an adventure-type date participating at a track in the NASCAR experience. If that would have happened, oh my.

7:51: However, in that same ironic vein, he is taking her on a small, 10-passenger plane. Poor Emily; this has to be just a little bit traumatic, right?

7:53: Back at the house, Ashley S. reveals that she has a sneaky great set of boobs. Add points.

7:54: Put it this way, even if Brad doesn't choose Emily, there are about 5-6 girls at the house who are pretty much in love with her, too. She has options.

7:55: Emily was just given a "tell Brad your baggage story" window the size of a house. Starting to lose my sympathy by being so shy/quiet/guarded/dumb.

8:00: Much love from ABC to Brad for filling up an already-full wine glass in order to product place the bottle. SOLID.

8:03: We have officially stumbled upon the thing that Brad does that is remarkably annoying. He is an over-listener/repeater. Every word that comes out of someone's mouth who he is in a conversation he intensely ponders for seconds, pauses and then reiterates it back to them but in a different way. Example:
Emily: "And then, the plane never landed."
Brad: [pausing] "Wait. [pause] So it crashed?"

OR

Emily: "And two days later I found out I was pregnant."
Brad: [pausing] "So you're a mom?" [additional pause] "Boy or a girl?"

Watch for this because he does it ALL THE TIME. (And, gotta love that-- for a REMARKABLE lack of any idea what to say after a story like Emily's-- Brad's follow up is inquiring about the gender of her child. Classic Brad.)

8:04: When asked if he is okay after hearing all of the baggage from Emily, Brad says "Are you kidding? I am GREAT." And who wouldn't be after a heart-breaking story of tragedy and love loss?

8:10: So Brad brings in his psychiatrist to talk to him. Where was this guy last week? We couldn't get him to meet all the girls instead of Roberto & Ali who gave about as good advice to him as a pool chair would?

8:15: Sometimes, when Brad speak and uses proper verbiage paired with his slightly Southern accent, he sounds like Bill Compton. "Psychiatrist, I will heed your advice. But I must go find Sookehh."

8:24: Brad comments to Chantal before the rose ceremony about their great physical attraction = Holy geez, I want to see your boobs. Sometimes, you can just boil it right down to the inner teenager.

8:26: Michelle reveals that her and Brad are in their first fight. His reaction is laughter and joke making, which in his head most likely says "Ha, ha, ha, I am terrified of you, ha, ha." Yet there is a 100% chance she gets a rose because she is hot. Gotta keep her around for the overnight date perhaps?

8:31: Things I will hopefully never have to say on a date: "Oh, well you don't have to take your fangs out."

8:33: Ashley H. busts out a "wanting to leave" threat, suggests in mid-convo that Brad should go, to which, of course, he comes back 30 seconds later to kiss her. She just flipped the script on these chicks. And almost most likely nearly took out Brad's eye 3-4 times because of her massive hand gesturing while talking.

8:38: Ahhh, the token Chris Harrison glass clink in a room that was all but completely silent. Thanks for coming out tonight, Chris. And you're getting paid for this, too.

8:44: Michelle accepts the rose with an "Of course I will." Though, I think it would've been great to hear: "Of course I will take this rose...so I can move on to next week where I plan to kill three girls in this house, pin the forensic blame on Chantal, kidnap you while you sleep and take you with me to Tahiti which may or may nor be the basement of my house in Utah where I put up a heat lamp and a palm tree in the corner and will tie you down and practice making babies with you so I can create an army of minions who will obey me and together we will take over Utah, this country an then the world. I love you." (Yep. It will be sad to eventually see her go.)

So, the journey of vampiress, Sarah P. and Kimberly (who dropped a nice f-bomb as she departed), was pretty much predicted. The fantasy league results were tough this week, but seeing as Ashley S. had the Seal date (points), mouth kissed (points), cried (points) and received the patented Frank from Chicago hug + pick-up and spin move (points) as well as Lisa M. moving on, I hoped to achieve the win. Sadly, Lisa M. did nothing BUT move on to the next round, so I ended up in 3rd. Damn it.

I'm hoping next week gets even more intense, and I am curious when Brad will stumble upon Michelle's "Must Kill" list. That may make things awkward. Until then.

Talk soon...

My Ode to January 12th

2011-01-12T00:57:00.000-08:00

During my most recent dating spat, I dated a wonderful young lady and, at one point, she wanted to buy a dog. We went to PAWS every Sunday, always hoping until the one day we would stumble upon a dog that struck her very particular fancy. Then, at long last, we stopped in one Sunday to find the most adorable and amazing Pitbull-mix and she knew it was love at first sight. We took pictures, spoke to the woman in charge of this young man named Kasper and put our names in to adopt him.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, and she and I are returning from a wedding with our first stop back in Chicago happening at the Arfhouse Dog Shelter. From that day forward, Kasper became the young pup known as Dexter and has become a staple in the lives of her, me, my buddy Joe and most anyone who had the opportunity to meet this wonderful dog.

I only mention this story because when we took Dexter for one of his first visits to the vet, judging by his teeth and growth, the vet assumed Dex was about six months old (and this occurred in June). That said, I suggested that we make his official birthday on January 12th. Of course, not knowing the exact reasoning for this, she went along with it and so I wish Dexter a happy 2nd birthday on this wonderful day.

However, as much as I love Dex, the importance of this day goes well beyond the birth of this noble pooch. The date of January 12th is one I will consider the greatest day of every year for as long as I am here.

In 1986, the greatest football team in the entire world-- obviously, the Chicago Bears-- was vying for its first NFC championship in years. Of course, the importance of this team was more than just because of their winning ways. Just a summer before, my grandfather (aka Papa), had taken me up to the middle-of-nowhere confines of Plattesville, Wisconsin to watch this Bears team return from the off-season for summer camp. We watched Walter Payton run drills, Dave Duerson light up receivers and Ditka flip everyone off. At age 6 in my life, the Bears had gone from a team that my family loved and cheered for to a part of my life that is as much me as wearing Chuck Taylors and flannel shirts on a daily basis. (Cue the picture to the right and you better believe my feet were fitting into some Chucks right there. I mean look at that smile-- I'm smiling because of the comfort!)

My family and I watched the Bears take on team after team in 1985, dismantling every squad and sending them home embarrassed. With the exception of the Miami Dolphins, the 1985 Chicago Bears made every team seem like amateurs. So on January 12th, 1986, there was very little surprise in the house of the McDermeds when the Bears dismantled and shutout the Los Angeles Rams. And at that moment, what was most likely and what should have been the greatest moment ever as a ridiculous sports/Bears fan's life, this convincing win to send my favorite team in the world into the greatest game of the year fell a distant second.

On January 12th, 1986, my little brother Danny was born.

From that moment on, and for the rest of my life, I can look back at that day and say not only did my favorite sports team of my life achieve the second greatest honor in sports, but my buddy, my best friend and my freaking guy was brought into the world. Try beating that 2010-11 Chicago Bears.

In a season that was almost undefeated, in a playoffs in which the Bears allowed not a single touchdown until the Super Bowl, all fails in comparison. And how could it not?

Over the years, nothing in the world can match what it is like to be able to have an automatic best friend, a fail-safe buddy, to pal around with, play catch with, bounce jokes off of, throwback a couple of beers and just hang out with over the holidays. For those of you reading who have never had a brother, I hope I have been good enough of a friend to make you think you do. Because for the rest of my time around, I will know for a fact that there is one day I will never forget and one day I will always favor ahead of any other and that is January 12th, 1986 and solely because of that type of brotherhood.

So cheers to my little brother Danny for cracking me up with his Harry Caray ala Will Ferrell impression; his DEAD-ON impression of our grandfather Papa; his remarkably vast knowledge of most things sports (and assisting in fantasy football drafts) and ALL things White Sox; for the badass authentic, sewn-on Matt Forte jersey I will be wearing to the playoffs game this weekend; for him letting us get matching tattoos on his 21st birthday; and, most of all, for beating the living hell out of any expectations a guy like me could have for a younger brother. I look up to this kid every bit as much as he may look up to me.

No matter what happens this season for the Bears and no matter what happens every season after, I will never forget the 12th of January. And as much as I love Dexter as well as the Bears, there can be only one little brother, so this day-- January 12th--belongs to my boy.

Happy birthday, D. Love, Mike.

Talk soon...

The Bachelor, Episode 2 - Happy Belated Birthday, Michelle!

2011-01-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

For all those who may not have caught it during the second episode of "The Bachelor: Wearing a Shirt is Overrated," one of the bachelorettes had a birthday. If you spent any time fast forwarding through the boring parts, maybe went to the kitchen to grab a snack or dozed off for a minute, you still probably caught half of the mentionings of this monumental occasion. If Vegas would've put the mentioning of Michelle's birthday at 15 over/under and you took the under, you would have lost. What a nutcase.

Yet, heading into the pre-show draft and with my first pick I selected Michelle. My roster heading in consisted of Michelle, Marisa and Stacey, with my rationale this week continuing from last week: it's too early for him to eliminate the girls he still wants to sleep with. Hence, the hot mom (who we found out is crazier than Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers), the hot bartender and the girl with the career that is centered around sports were my top picks.

So, here are some notes from episode 2:
(Topless Brad over/under is 3.5)

- Opening scene: Brad contemplating the first day, debating what girl he wants to go out with, how much he has grown since his first experience on the show and how he already knows he is finding his wife. All this while tossing a football back-and-forth whilst looking over a large canyon. At least ABC isn't putting him in some weird scenario that a real person would never actually do.

- For the first solo date Brad selects Ashley the Dentist (who went to Vandy with the #2 pick). The solo date consisted of lighting up an entire carnival for a grand total of 2 people, thus creating maybe the most outrageous carbon footprint in the history of television. Add that to the revelation that Brad throws like a right-handed girl going lefty and I'm just not proud to be a viewer so far in this episode.

- Also, I have been out of the fashion game for a while now and maybe some of the ladies who read this can chime in, but did anyone else feel weird about Ashley being dressed like an eight-year-old going to dance practice? Is this trendy? If so, I now no longer care if I ever date a girl who dresses trendy if it means she will show up dressed like Ashley the Dentist. She was like a retarded Dakota Fanning.

- At one point, Ashley grabbed an over-sized teddy bear from one of the carnival games, prompting Tesha to say, "Hey, she didn't win that," with a hint of genuine anger. Match that with Tommy's inappropriate drop-ins throughout the show (I'm hoping for one appropriate enough to put in here some time) and it goes without saying how much I love watching this show with the Choi family.

- Brad removes shirt - 1st occasion

- Just after Ashley the Dentist and Brad took off for the date, the group date envelope comes and the first revelation is made about Michelle having a birthday. Within 10 minutes of shooting the commercial this number jumps to nine. Unreal.

- Michelle states that when her and Brad finally kiss it will be like fireworks. She then motions a hand gesture of fireworks going off behind her and falling in front of her face. She did not blink while doing this and is slowly becoming my favorite character. You can't write crazy any better. Also, it is her 30th birthday.

- Michelle is either drunk or insane, I can't decide. I can tell you with 100% certainty, though, that she is 30 years old. (Side note, great tweet from sportsgal33: "I have a belated 30th birthday present for Michelle: It's a soul." ha ha)

- Poor Keltie. Although, she should have spun her God-awful commercial outfit into a self-deprecating, make-fun-of-yourself-and-kill-it-in-your-scene moment to come across as a cool, fun girl. Alas, I felt like her days were numbered. (Although she KILLED her scene in the commercial. Genuinely funny.)

- Michelle is now taunting everyone with the rose she received. You set yourself up for this Michelle, but that is NOT how a 30-year-old woman should act. Just ask Melissa.

- Brad topless moment #2

- Solo date #2 with Jackie who seems nice. And then she started talking. Note to Jackie: The people who open doors for you at a hotel are not guards. Once we all stopped dwelling castles, we ceased using guards. For future reference, they are called doormen and/or bellhops depending on where you are staying.

- Wow. Train live and in concert. Again, does ABC know that there are new bands out there? I mean, I know Train is a little more relevant than last year's Barenaked Ladies debacle, but is that the best we can do? And holy aggressive song! Is the "Marry Me" song really what you want playing on a first date with someone? I'm not sure what Train song I would recommend since I have better musical taste than that, but there's got to be a song in their collection that is romantic and slightly more subtle. And sounds better.

- So now we head to the rose ceremony. Tommy pointed out, why does Chris Harrison always have to enter the room with a glass of wine and clink it? This is similar to him always proclaiming before the final rose that this "Is the final rose. If you don't receive it, you will have to say your goodbyes." Yes, Chris. We know the rules. And, when you enter the room, we just assume you have an announcement and aren't stopping in for body shots by the pool. The clinking is probably not necessary.

- Good to see Ali's hair decisions have stayed the same. Wow.

- Note to girls planning to ever be on this show: Don't cry after the first couple days. There is nothing worse than Brad spending some alone time with Melissa and her saying she is not doing very good and breaking down in tears. Congrats, Melissa, you are going home. No guy wants an overly dramatic girl, but we get that all girls are accompanied by some drama. But crying before the second rose ceremony of the season? Yeah, she gone!!

- Melissa's "I had 4 pieces of pizza with onions and peppers" combined with the crying is just awful. She is making the 24-year-olds look mature and well-balanced by comparison.

- Shawntel is freaking adorable. I would not be mad if she lost after next round and decided to see the world and move to Chicago. (Code for, forward this blog link around in hopes Shawntel reads it.)

- Emily has got to be America's favorite at this point. She is like Chris from last year (not the one that hid from the camera, either).

- Tough exit for Keltie. She has tried dating regular. Dating people at work (which never works out-- even she gets it!), then being setup by friends, online dating and finally this show. She has exhausted every avenue apparently and will just be alone forever and stick with kicking instead. (Side note, she is freaking 28. How about stop forcing the issue and just meet new people and be patient. And don't online date. And don't go on reality shows.)

- As expected, Melissa and the Manscaper are gone. Rumor has it he was going to eliminate Chantal until he found out that he would have to use 2 roses, one for her remarkably excessive amount of blush and one for her.

- Finally, God forbid I was ever on this show, but my question is, are there rules? I would have loved to have seen Brad call out Melissa and the Manscaper as the first two in the rose ceremony and just say, "Ladies, are you serious? I mean, we have been here for under a week and have not even been out on a solo date and you two are already a mess. Just for future reference, don't do that. You are eliminated." This way not only are they sent home, but maybe they learned a little something. You know, don't be a freaking nutcase or if you are, hold out to make that big reveal.

For the episode, my fantasy squad finished with 24.5 points, good enough for the second overall pick next week. Of course the freaking preview for next week revealed the Seal date which is good for 2.5 points, so that is just plain garbage. I will never know why they reveal so much in those insights into the next episode. Do they watch TV? Have they seen an episode of Dexter? Cliffhangers, fellas. Let's figure this thing out.

All in all a decent episode. Not as many gratuitous topless Brad scenes, but we did get to see Britt make the smart move of putting her hair up, the hot mom Michelle revealing that she is probably going to be boiling a rabbit next week and the standard Chris Harrison glass clink.
I'm still holding out for Madison to do something completely psychotic, but will gladly settle for singing along with Seal next week. So until then.

Talk soon...

The Bachelor Season Too Many - Season Premiere

2011-01-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

As was the case last season for "The Bachelorette," I am jumping back on board the reality TV bandwagon and trying to determine why hot girls need to go on TV to find a good guy whose main objective seems to be either running topless whenever outside or insisting that he really is a good guy. I have no idea about Brad's history on this show as I am what one would call a "newbie," but I do know that the gratuitous topless scenes have already been overused, probably will only get worse and will eventually challenge "Twilight: Eclipse" for the coveted "Oh come on, there was absolutely no reason to NOT be wearing a shirt just then" Award.

Kudos, Brad.

So, seeing as week 1 doesn't really allow much insight into most of the girls, this week's blog will be more explanatory of a Fantasy Bachelor League I am in with my buddy Tommy and his wife Tesha, my buddy Josh and his wife Arin (combining to form just one team) & my buddy Kevin and his wife Beth. (And yes, after typing that I realized I needed to get on the horn for a girlfriend to a least make my participation in this league defensible. Ladies, I keep my shirt on most of the time, but can speak with a southern draw. Just keep that in mind.)

So, there are six teams and heading into the premiere there were 30 girls, 10 of them being eliminated by show's end. We composed a six-round draft selecting five girls per team based solely on their photos, ages, occupations & locations. After each week the league will re-draft, the team with the highest points drafting first and selecting 3 girls they believe will accumulate the most points. The scoring system is listed below:

First Impression Rose: 5 pts

Receives Rose during Rose Ceremony: 4 pts

Crying: 1 pt

Drunk (not based on perception, the words wasted/drunk/tipsy/buzzed, etc have to be used to describe the girl): 1 pt

Cheek Kiss (1st kiss only): 1 pt

Lips Kiss (1st kiss only): 1.5 pts

Brings Gift for Brad: 2 pts

1-on-1 Date: 3 pts

Group Date: 2 pts

1st one he pulls aside on group date: 1 pt

Saying "falling in love" with Brad: 2 pts

Saying "having a connection" with Brad: 1.5 pts

Gets Tattoo: AUTOMATIC WINNER

Makes a Kasey or Weatherman reference: 3 pts
**Categories added after the premiere and heading into later weeks**
Girl mentions Brad being "committed" or level of "commitment": 1 pt.
Brad cries while with or in front of your girl: 2 pts.
Your girl is on the date where Seal sings "Kiss From a Rose": 2.5 pts.

Of course, we are all good friends and will operate on the honor system of not reading spoilers sites or listening to too much "Bachelor" gossip (sorry, Sarah Sebastian) and we all threw in $20 to make this a winner takes $100, 2nd get paid back endeavor.

The draft went Tesha, Shorty (me), Weinbergs, Beth, Tommy & Kevin, with each round snaking back so Tesha essentially picked first in the first round, last in the second round, first in the third round, etc. So, on to the draft results... (NOTE: These are in order of who picked who and in what round, and, of course, with my own personal side commentary after the first episode.)

Team Tesha (First pick overall)
1. Jill (little did we know she was as tall as Lebron James)
2. Chantal (Even after the face slap and down to the last rose I told Tesha there was no way Brad turns down those boobs. I should've gotten a point for that.)
3. Lisa P.
4. J (At this point I will point out, as I did during the draft, why do there have do be so many ridiculous names on these shows? The Chantal/Shawntel debacle, Britnee with two "e"s and a girl who just uses a letter? Come on.
5. Kimberly

Tesha's list is seemingly forgettable in the first round. As a Bachelor/Bachelorette veteran, I would have expected her to be strong competition, but I think these first episodes are easier for the new people and the "true love" episodes toward the end are where the vets will shine.

Team Shorty
1. Marissa (And she looked hot in that pink dress. That said, I chose her for one reason: sports career. I knew that would at least get her through episode one. I mean, Brad is a hetero guy and the girl loves sports. We aren't curing cancer here.)
2. Stacey (Had to go with the hot bartender. I feel like this is a staple of the show.)
3. Emily (A steal in the 3rd round!! She is one of my go-to players later this season. Plus one of the two hottest moms to be on a TV reality show.)
4. Jackie (Regretted this one, but she advanced, so kudos to you creepy-girl-who-sang-a-creepy-song-obviously-missing-how-creepy-and-awkward-it-was-last-season-when-Kasey-did-that-to-Ali. We should have a points category for awkward a capella singing.)
5. Lindsay (Went with the fiery redhead just in case Brad is one of those guys who wants to mark "Hook-up with a redhead" off of his bucket list before the season finale. It's also nice to have the token anyone on this show and since ABC went with the all-white cast ala 1940s Germany, she was really the only token in the bunch-- aside from the token Manscaper.)

All in all, strong picks. I was happy with my first round choices, particularly surprised by Emily. Although, at 24, she was madly in love and lost her guy about six years ago putting her at 18 when he passed away. Is this right? Not to trivialize their love, but come on, in those years I loved any girl who rubbed up against me in the lunch line. But I digress...

Team Weinberg
1. Lisa M.
2. Madison (I was pretty upset when this pick happened right before me. Then the show started and she had fangs and the best quote of the night occurred from Brad: "There's something I really like about this girl. She has a very sexy unique look. But on that same hand, she has fangs." I can't decide if this is reason to watch or to NOT watch reality TV.)
3. Keltie (Another weird name and a lot of crotch shots. Pump the brakes on the leg kicks, Kelt.)
4. Rebecca
5. Lacey

Out of the gate I felt bad for the picks made by Team Weinberg, but then Rebecca went all for it on the mouth kiss and I was scared. And the girls with fangs. Wow.

Team Bethie
1. Michelle (one of my top picks heading into the draft confirmed when she stepped out of the car as the hottest contestant on this show and someone Brad-- super obviously-- wanted to nail immediately. He did a sextuple take on her, no pun intended.)
2. Alli (Good picture online did not do her psychotic thick girl break-up sob story persona justice. Little too weird for me.)
3. Britnee (Again with the name spelling. Parents, give your kid a chance.)
4. Sarah P.
5. Sarah L. (I have never seen such a boring human from out of the limo and throughout the show. Somewhere Chris N. from last season's Bachelorette is nodding.)

Strong showing from Beth who also had some zingers from the draft, including pointing out the lack of the token black girl. I am looking forward to publishing some witty Beth remarks this season-- no pressure.

Team Tommy C.
1. Ashley S. (Solid pick out of the gate and definitely came through in the season premiere.)
2. Renee (Tommy was intentionally gunning for nannies, citing it is a job they can do anywhere. Yes, as long as they can beat out the 15-year-old competitors.)
3. Raichel (Finally the manscaper is off the board. Can anyone with worldly experience tell me if this is the legitimate name for her profession. I feel like she is taking the "stripper" title in the occupational title battle of "stripper vs. exotic dancer.")
4. Lauren (Looks like a fish and was hastily eliminated. Maybe it was just the camera catching her at awkward moments-- we've all been there-- but then again, if you look like that every time the camera catches you... Hmmmm.)
5. Shawntel (The steal of the draft so far only because her online picture did not display just how freaking adorable this girl is-- we all loved her.)

Tommy busted out strong with Ashley S. receiving the first impression rose, but then saw two of his other girls eliminated. Still, a fierce competitor, though really overestimating the drawing power of girls who have the same jobs as high school students.

Team Kevin (from now on referred to as Vandy)
1. Ashley H. (Why does ABC make people do awkward things like dance around in their room to dubbed over music? I will never understand some moments in this show.)
2. Britt (She had the weirdly long hair that girls who live on farms have in high school. I know this is lost on a lot of city kids, but you small town folks who went to a school with a "horse girl" know exactly what I am talking about.)
3. Cristy (Vandy was in a challenge with himself to nab girls who took normal names and tweaked them just enough to annoy the hell out of the viewing public.)
4. Meghan (You know, the one with the gums.)
5. Melissa (The oldest one and obvious last pick since Brad is rumored to be a jerk-off and we assumed would most likely eliminate the old lady. That said, she looked solid on camera, so kudos to Vandy for landing Ms. Irrelevant and having her move on to the next round.

RESULTS
So after the first round, naturally, I came out on top with a total of 20 points. Not a single girl I chose did much throughout the entirety of the show, however all 5 of my girls advanced showing that I am shallow enough to determine face value and eliminate those who are not as aesthetically pleasing. (Damn it. I'm a lot nicer than that I swear!!) I was followed at 19 points by Vandy, then Tommy at 14, the Weinbergs at 13.5, Bethie at 13 and Tesha at 9. Expect a bounce back from Tesha next week and a more in-depth look at the girls and more mockery of topless Brad moments of which we will be making weekly over/unders for if you want to gamble at home.

To conclude, some likes and dislikes:
- Liked that Ashley S. and Emily seem to be frontrunners. Both seem like sweethearts and have had some heavy-duty issues to deal with in the past few years.
- Liked that two of the hottest moms ever are on this show (Michelle & Emily), though there are moments when Emily's teeth perfection frightens me.
- Like that there is a girl who has fangs that Brad asked if she was taking this "whole thing seriously." Dude, she has fangs. I think you've thrown "taking most things in life seriously" out the window when you decide on nabbing some fangs for every day life.
- Liked seeing that Seal would be making an appearance singing a song that my buddy Ayal and I killed on karaoke one night before he moved to L.A.

- Disliked that this show is seemingly shot through an orange-colored lens. Why is everyone Jersey orange?!?! We are green wigs and white overalls away from becoming Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. In fact, next rose ceremony, that is how ABC should eliminate the girls who did not receive roses. "Ooomps, loompa, do-ba-dee-do..."
- Disliked Brad having to explain himself to every single girl on the show as far as his commitment. Is it just me, or shouldn't he be revered for not settling on someone he didn't truly love enough to marry? How many relationships from this show does the public want to see occur in the finale only to fail weeks/months/years later?
- Disliked the gratuitous topless Brad scenes. I know this is too the dismay of female viewers everywhere, but I am not simply asking for less Brad shirtless scenes, just for a level playing field. I better see some Michelle bikini slip moments or Marissa showering-without-knowing-the-camera-was-there scenes, too. Come on, ABC, let's keep it fair.

All in all, I am excited about the Fantasy League and to be back on board writing about this season's show of what has to be the most ridiculous, longest running show on TV. That said, I have been sucked in by my friends and now here we are, waiting on next week to see who Madison bites on the neck.

Talk soon...

FML Advice Column

2010-09-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

First things first: To all the folks who read the blog any time I update, you've been mainly reading my take(s) on the reality show "The Bachelorette" and more recently "Bachelor Pad." I have been on a tremendous lag on making my most recent update of takes on the show, but I am also working 6 days a week, 10 hours a day (no, not a complaint because I like my job, but still) and also shooting a short film from after work-- around 11:00 pm-- until about 4 in the morning, so I have been a pretty busy boy.

Regardless, I apologize for the delay.

In an attempt to find something new and exciting to write about, I was perusing the FML.com website looking at various idiotic actions and happenings of dipshits across the country. While reading, I thought it may be entertaining to reply to some of these as if these postings were sent to an advice column as opposed to a site dedicated to rogue postings at sporadic intervals.

So, that is what I did. Hope you enjoy...

Hi Shorty (I added that part),
Today my husband fell for an online internet scam leaving us $1450 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML.

Dear Married a Retard,
I am saddened to hear of your news. I heard a lot of these kinds of scams were going around. In 2001. In fact, I think it was before 2001, more like when people were still connecting with dial-up, using AOL chat rooms and making frame-by-frame downloads of Kathy Ireland pictures from the SI Swimsuit Edition. I guess I can invoke the old adage that says "Don't marry a complete retard, unless, of course, he is functional like Rain Man." (At least I think that is it.) In any case, you get what you pay for and apparently you went husband shopping at the Dollar General. Lastly, I have a cousin in Nigeria trying to transfer some funds over to the U.S. and he needs some help-- is your hubbie around?

Thanks,
Shorty

Dear Shorty,
Today my boyfriend learned how to play "Brown Eyed Girl" on guitar as part of my anniversary surprise. I have green eyes. FML

Dear Green Eyed Girl,
Semantics. Have you ever heard "it's the thought that counts," Ms. Ungrateful? I mean come on, you're dating a guy who learned how to play you a song for your anniversary. A lot of guys take their ladies on trips, buy an engagement ring or at least show them a fun date night, but your guy learned a song for you. Of course, you probably met him outside a fraternity house while everyone was drinking and he busted out his guitar to try to impress a patio full of girls and you were the one that fell for his douchebaggery. So, in the end, this is all your fault. (Also, he may be banging a chick with brown eyes who he also "learned this song for," and he can play up the "thought that counts" angle with you and make his newly acquired song a two-for-one. He sounds smart for a douchebag. And resourceful. Best of luck!)

Thanks,
Shorty

Dear Shorty,
Today I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned to me that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML.

Dear Butterball,
Thanks for the email. Nothing I like more than enjoying a pleasant Saturday and then having to envision a behemoth like yourself basting like a Thanksgiving turkey, so I appreciate that. The problem is this: let's not worry so much about making yourself into the Great Pumpkin and focus more on having a reason to tan. If the rolls are so profuse that they actually must be lifted in order for the tanner to get to those hard to reach spots, I don't think obtaining a golden brown finish should be top priority. Celery. Just saying. Cheers!

Thanks,
Shorty

Dear Shorty,
Today my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

Dear Human Urinal,
See, this is the real problem with modern porn-- it's all staged. Us guys want upskirts to be of real girls, not some two-bit amateur video your friend had you intentionally record so she could satisfy her obvious fetish of being taped while giving a golden shower. Sounds to me like you fell for the oldest trick in the book: the old "tape me from below the swing while I pee on you" routine. Classic. Good luck on your future film directing!

Thanks,
Shorty

Dear Shorty,
Today I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

Dear Dumped Guy,
I don't see the problem? You made your way out of a long-distance relationship (which always suck and rarely work, side note) and enabled your friend who obviously had been banging your ex for some time into his own long-range ordeal. I enjoy the phrase "lose them like you get them," so good luck to your friend, but, more importantly, let him revel in the constant calling, getting yelled at when he doesn't answer, fighting because he isn't replying to texts fast enough and being hard-up for sex and being unable to satisfy his need because his girlfriend lives hundreds of miles away. See? You're just being a "glass half empty" guy, but that is most likely because you are a loser who was dumped by his GF for his best friend. Guess it's a lose-lose. Sorry.

Thanks,
Shorty

Dear Shorty,
Today I decided to propose to my girlfriend by putting the ring in the popcorn when we went to see her favourite movie. I got engrossed in the movie and forgot. I dumped some popcorn in my mouth and started choking. FML

Dear Unoriginal Moron,
I have much to grieve about this email. First, who does this? In popcorn? Really? Why, so she can be super excited to marry you (which I don't get since you are dumb, but I digress) yet also be unable to cry, shout for joy or even reply with anything but a whisper because anything else is just discourteous to the other patrons of the movie theater? Great plan. How about in the middle of church next time? Maybe at a wake? Well played, Corky. Next, how do you forget what you are about to do? Isn't it supposed to be a big deal to propose? I mean, you are potentially only going to do this once in your life and should be beside yourself with delight with butterflies in the stomach and excited to take the next step in your relationship, but you got into the movie and forgot. What? I mean, if it was "Point Break" I can understand, but I highly doubt your girlfriend's favorite (er, "favourite" as you spelled-- you are British I hope) movie is "Point Break." If you were watching "Point Break" or any of these films, then disregard this whole thing. And finally, who eats popcorn by dumping it in their mouths? Hand-to-mouth, guy. Figure it out. (P.S. If your girlfriend's fave movie IS in fact "Point Break," she's cute and she did not write to me about a god-awful tanning experience, please shoot me her number as she undoubtedly dumped you after such a played-out, foolish proposal attempt that you completely forgot you were about to execute.) Enjoy your day!

Thanks,
Shorty

I think that is enough advice for today. I plan on watching "Bachelor Pad" soon for all you loyal readers. I will give my take on the most recent one (airing on Labor Day maybe?) and go from there. I would backtrack, but there's no time. Otherwise I am going to end up popping speed pills like Jessie Spano so I can cram all of this stuff into one day. I'm so...so...scared.

Talk soon...

Bachelor Pad episode 2: Goodbye to a Friend.

2010-08-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay, folks. The business of opening a new restaurant is a busy one at that and it takes me a little time to have time to sit, watch, take notes and write.

However, as expected, episode 2 of "Bachelor Pad" did not let me down. I'm not sure I will ever be disappointed by this program. I am, though, slightly startled that this blog could potentially lead back (perhaps one of those friend of a friend of a friend scenarios) to Elizabeth and she will diabolically find a way to make me admit I love her, then play dumb and then I will wake up tied to a bed with her crying and laughing at the same time.

But I digress.

A few notes from episode 2. Let's roll this ball...

- Out of the gate, Elizabeth (further referred to as "the Psycho") has again duped Kovacs (as dubbed by ABC-- no longer Jesse K.) into agreeing he likes her. Torn between her being a complete nut job and/or him being a complete, legitimate yet functional retard.

- Whenever Jesse B. speaks, ABC should cue up "My Cherie Amour" for the times he looks up pointlessly smiling. Missouri's Best!!

- Oh Gia. "The only way I can secure myself is winning challenges." Really? If you came on this show, then you, your bf and the whole world knows the really "only ways" you will win. You're like a MLB player on the road at this point. Enjoy it.

- If Craig M. gets the boot, I am devastated. Just a FYI.

- Thanks dipshit Rycroft. We know how a pie eating contest works. Has anyone ever seen one of these bad boys go down with the contestants using a knife and fork or hands at all? We're aware. Now please, let Chris run this show.

- Gall bladder? Really? Can we get a ruling on if this effects anything having to do with eating pie?

- Again, I love Nikki explaining obvious things. So, what happens when you eat a pie without hands? It goes in your face? REALLY? Damn I'm glad she's here. Someone get CNN on the horn.

- T or F: The pie eating contest is the first time some of these chicks have put back a meal? Be honest. Come on.

- A 100% chance the Weatherman wins. Also, a 0% chance he has seen a grown woman naked.

- A few notes: Craig M. fixed his hair back even further before the contest (awesome) and David eats 6 meal a day. He currently looks like the guy too old to be a part of the Twilight werewolf click. If you are watching this show and you want to hook up with David, you have now been lumped into the female douchebag category. Go get an orb tattoo.

- I'd like to think that before the one-on-one interviews, everyone but the Psycho cleaned their faces, thus making her even more psychotic. She looks like she ate a baby doll.

- So basically, Codeword: BJ = sticking around no matter who is the date-rose holder. Now THAT is how you stay on the show, ladies.

- Go figure: Chaperon Gwen picks up a rose. Of course!

- Annnnnd, now a 100% chance Jonathan has been no further than 2nd base.

- Hot tub + tight t-shirt + guitar = Go ahead and just stop being alive. Damn you, ABC.

- I'm slightly scared for the world that The Psycho is actually slightly smart about this. She could literally be a real life Dexter.

- "Listen, Gwen, you know I haven't seen a girl naked and I know you have been around since Prohibition..."

- Between dubbing themselves the "Outsiders" and "Outliers," I am contemplating dropping the TV on my own head.

- The Weatherman teaming with Craig M. is like when Maverick and Iceman finally came together at the end of "Top Gun." This show is only getting better. (This reminds me, why did it not happen that on "The Bachelorette" when Weatherman called Craig M. "dangerous," he didn't come back at him with a Tom Cruise-esque "That's right. Weather... MAN (cue: shoulder brush-off)... I am dangerous."

- If she really does give Craig M. that rose, then I now love Gia. Amazing figure, boobs, great hair and all. =)

- Again, is it any surprise that The Psycho gets what is happening? Also, she hasn't blinked since the beginning of episode 1.

- She plays dumb, she plays smart, she makes out in the hot tub: Yes. The Psycho has killed someone. Oh my.

- So, kiiiiinda hoping all girls are dumbfounded with a southern accent and a slight grin. I can do that accent. Gia just was duped by Wes to the tune of Bugs Bunny dressing up like a girl and fooling Elmer Fudd. Come on Gia, it's a freaking accent.

- Wow. There is no escaping a Southern accent. This just in: Watch more McConaughey movies before going out.

- 1-10: My excitement of the David/Jessie make out in the hot tub incubator that will keep the herpes strand alive: 9.

- Jessie B. paraphrase: Gia: Girlfriend material. Natalie: STD/pull-the-goalie-so-I-get-knocked-up-and-you-can-never-leave-me material. Hmmmm.

- Does anyone else want this to end like "Lord of the Flies" and Weatherman hitting someone in the head with a conch shell?

- Craig M.: Tight yellow v-neck, draped white jacket and all awesome. Those are just his pajamas.

- Chris Harrison's shirt and tie combo looks like a 3-D puzzle at the mall.

- The people on "Bachelor Pad" have thought more about who to vote off then Lou Piniella has about the who's starting for the Cubs all season.

- Craig M. is probably going home. And by home I mean the set of 1987 "Miami Vice."

- If you're a hetero guy on this show, strategy or not, no way you vote off Jessie S. The "s" is for SO hot.

-Two episodes: 2 times Tinley has cried. The girl is like an eight-year-old.

- Meeting between Kovacs, David and Kypton: "I wear the vest so it is MY turn to talk!"

- Wes just violated the "no one wears pastel button-downs but Craig M." pact the guys made before the show. How dare you.

- I love this show. "If I'm not as good as my word, what am I good for?" says Nikki. On the Bachelor Pad.

- Chris Harrison "Nikki, will you accept this chin-- er, I mean rose?" (Okay, that one was made up.)

- Things you lose with Craig M. being off the show: creepiness, pastel clothing, large, wafting hair, creepiness, consistent smirking, raspy voice replies and creepiness.

So, that does it for Jessie S. and Craig M. I'm personally devastated on both counts. That said, the Weatherman remains as well as the Holy Triumvirate of Douche (Kovacs, Kypton & David), so this means more airtime for those guys and more fun to be had watching them do ridiculous things that normal humans stray from on a regular basis. Ahhhh, Bachelor Pad. See you at episode 3.

Talk soon...

Bachelor Pad - Let the Oral Herpes Fest Begin!

2010-08-10T00:24:00.001-07:00

Behold: the House of Douche.

Just when I thought I was out, the "Bachelor Pad" airs what is the most awful, stupid, remarkably ridiculous television possible and I sit through two hours taking notes like I have a mid-term exam on it the next day.

Yet here we are. My expectations were high and I knew this thing could be epic. The number of trashy girls whoring it up with guys tatted up with more tribal tattoos than a Polynesian island is immense and episode 1 lived up to the hype. The notepad in hand, I begin the running diary of episode 1 of the "Bachelor Pad."

Enjoy...

8:01- Out of the gate all I can think of is "Oh my, I can not believe I have to work Mondays, catch the DVRed edition and miss out on the wonderful side comments of the Choi family." Maybe next week, T & T.

8:02- Is there a record for the number of oral herpes breakouts in one show all caused by the same strand? Can someone call Guinness?

8:04- Ladies and Gentlemen, star of the new fall show "I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison," it's Chris Harrison!

8:06- My first impressions of each participant in 5 words or less:
Tenley: Has eaten glue before.
Jesse B.: Always looks clueless. Still.
Natalie: Wear a condom.
David: Douche-level: red.
Gwen: Age = ??. Try 48.
Jessie S.: Hot. All I got.
Weatherman: (skipping the 5 words thing) YES! Excited to see him and excited that they didn't even bother with the whole Jonathan thing. Just "Weatherman." Love this guy.
Nikki: (return to 5>words) Where's your chin?
Juan: This show? At age 37?
Wes: Really? Game face quote?
Krisily: Is that a real name?
Elizabeth: Overdressed, looks insane.
Jesse K.: V-neck sweater in Cali, eh?
Kiptyn: Who names these people?
Ashley: No camera time
Peyton: Even less camera time
Michelle: SHE lost to Vienna? Wow.
Gia: BF yet on this show. (Really?)
Craig M.: YES! (Denzel-voice) MY MAN!
I am only familiar with a few from this cast, but I assume I'll figure it out. Excited.

8:26- Gwen was recruited to chaperon and make sure they stay arm's lengths apart while slow dancing to ballads.

8:27- I love Craig M. He could tell me anything from "That's a nice shirt" to "Try this twinkie" to "I enjoy rom-coms" and it would be creepy. The beard, the hair, the voice. He just oozes that good old Ted Bundy charm.

8:29- Holy black censor box! Natalie apparently brought the class! (And my 5-word impression is vindicated! SO much easier when the people are scummy. More predictable.)

8:30- I have watched one season-- ONE-- of these shows and I can tell you with 100% certainty that because the girls just agreed to kick out Craig M. (which is beyond upsetting), he will for sure, without a doubt win the challenge. Stamp it.

8:35- Tenley is like a special ed kid who is hyperactive.

8:38- Chris Harrison: "No one bump Gwen. She just had a hip replaced." Okay, so that was made up, but still.

8:38- Henley just mixed up her left and right. See there? Another 5-word impression vindication! I'm on the hot streak!

8:39- Sometimes Jesse B. just looks up and around and smiles. He reminds me of Stevie Wonder.

8:41- Annnnnnd, Craig M. wins the challenge. That was like calling that Jesse B. is leaving with chlamydia.

8:43- Congrats to Elizabeth who based her entire opinion of someone on a poorly edited version she saw through a TV show and then called him on it on a spin-off of that show in order to look like a venomous psycho in front of a national audience. People that overdress for things are insane. I'm telling you.

8:51- Craig M.'s pajamas include a pastel peach-colored button-down. Why would anyone want this guy out of the house?

8:55- If Ashley McTardo explains to me one more time why befriending Craig M. is a good idea and how this show works, I may have to go back and redo elementary school Billy Madison style just to undo the stupid.

8:57- Craig M.'s signature pose: Laying on his side while leaning one elbow down to hold himself up. It's all the time and it is also creepy. Pastel shirts.

8:58- The ABC Gwen Corollary states: "We must have Gwen be a part of any situation that may include shenanigans of hi jinx as she is our undercover chaperon." Gwen is making the reality version of the timeless Drew Barrymore film "Never Been Kissed" a reality only we all can tell she's pushing 50.

9:02- So is David a werewolf and that is why he refuses to wear a shirt ever?

9:08- If Jesse B. & Tenley had a love child, it would be a yellow balloon with a smiley face drawn on it. I am totally convinced.

9:12- Wow. So we get the Barenaked Ladies in this season's "The Bachelorette," and now they throw at us "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling? Really? Was Fuel too booked up? Vertical Horizon not available? What about Eve 6? I mean, come on.

9:14- Okay, Elizabeth has awful hair, cries constantly, overdresses; is this not the definition of an insane female? If every guy on the planet watched this, I would put money that not one guy would ever try to date her after this performance. Hook up with, sure. Date, no.

9:19- Elizabeth has just told Jesse K. that she loves him twice and that she is in love with him once and every time he makes a face like someone offered him a turd sandwich. Probably not a good sign for the Elizabeth/Jesse K. wedding special spin-off.

9:21- And she follows it up by threatening to turn all the girls against him unless he starts to act like he likes her! Ladies and gentlemen, the craziest girl on the show is here!

9:24- And then Michelle trapped Tenley in a room and reclaimed the psychotic spot from Elizabeth. Well done-- very James Gumm of you.

9:32- Let's start a game called "Yes or No: Would David Wear a Shirt?" To church? New age with instruments and clapping, not the old organ service. I say no.

9:34- Elizabeth is crying again. In life there are 3 kinds of tears: tears of joy, tears of sadness and tears of insanity. If only the last kind would pour from the eyes like how vampires cry on "Trueblood." But for real, Elizabeth is bat shit crazy. I am really, really, really excited for the day she gets the boot. What a nut!

9:46- Gotta love the ABC-induced acting scene from the Weatherman in the deliberation room. Holding two pictures, deliberating who to send home when really he just wanted to grab the Craig M. picture and throw it across the room while lightly sobbing.

9:52- Peyton is the Chris N. of this show. She'll make it a few weeks, only pop up on camera in the background and then finally people will notice and say "Wait? Who is that?" and then she'll be gone. I wish Chris N. would have come back to he and Peyton could have a Mumford-off to see who could be neither seen nor heard the best on this show. (And if you still don't get that reference, go watch "Arrested Development" on DVD and thank me for introducing you to the funniest show you will ever watch.)

9:58- Wow, Juan. At age 37 being voted off first from a show of this caliber is bad news, buddy. It's even gonna be hard to land a gig making appearances at various Bar Louies throughout the country. Michelle: that was obvious. Her emotionless reaction was amazing. The FBI should trail her for a while-- she seems a little too nuts. Like literally insane, not Elizabeth insane.

And scene.

I refuse to watch the previews for next week because they reveal too much and I like to go in fresh, but damn we're off to a good start. I don't think I will ever have a shortage of folks to talk about, so here's to another weekly fun read from me to you. Look forward to some more fun reads not always dealing with awful reality shows, too. Looking forward to another season of shows with the folks who read this loyally. Let's have some fun! Craig M.- DANGEROUS!!

Talk soon...

The Bachelorette Finale - I Can Finally Watch Something Else

2010-08-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

I had big plans going into "The Bachelorette" finale. I wanted to hold the running diary, wanted to watch it live with the Chois and wanted to see something crazy happen to end this blogging of said show on a solid note.

So, yeah, that didn't happen.

Work intervened and I missed the live edition and had to catch it on Hulu. I watched it after work at 11:00 at night so I could make sure to have this written by today and the ending was as predictable as "Shutter Island." All that said, there were still some fun moments along the way. I leave you with my running thoughts of the final episode of this god-forsaken show.

Enjoy...

- Words used to describe Chris— “reminds me of friends from home,” “really close,” “feels like we have known each other for years"; does not bode well for Big C.

- I hate tube tops. Are tube tops ever flattering? I just don’t get it, aside from easy access. Okay, I get it.

- Roberto likes flannels more than I do and that is saying a lot.

- There are moments when even I want to ask Roberto out. I can’t decide if this is a good or a bad thing for his chances.

- Ali’s mom just got bi-lingual. Nice touch.

- This day and age, asking for a girl’s hand from her dad is not a requirement, but doing that scores so many points and is so easy that if you are dating a guy who would not do it, stop dating him. He is obviously a serial killer.Or just a doucher.

- Ali’s dad borrowed that shirt from Charlie Sheen’s wardrobe on “Two and a Half Men.”

- Has there ever been anyone with a chin dimple who was completely unattractive? What’s the over/under on when “chin dimple implants” become the next big thing for dudes (ala calf implants a few years back)? And how has it not happened yet? Tom Brady has rocked that thing for years.

- Roberto just won this thing. Dancing with the family: ballgame (yeah, yeah, pun. I know.)

- Ali’s day two outfit is something you would wear out with a friend to walk through a festival. Again, sorry Chris, but have fun on next season’s “The Bachelor.”

- Ali’s dad looks like Dennis Hopper in “Speed.” I want him to look at Chris and say “Pop quiz, hot shot!”

- I have never seen a smoother recovery from an “I just asked about your deceased mom" question than what Ali’s mom just pulled off. Perhaps her floral shirt gave him a seizure like it did me and they just edited out his original reaction.

- I mean, can we maybe change the dinner table subject from Chris’ mom at this point? How about we talk about the Holocaust? Or the meaning of Eric Clapton’s song “Tears From Heaven?” Jeez, Ali’s mom. Relax.

- How are those two siblings related to Ali? Gene pools are often unfair. And over-chlorinated.

- Chris is talking to the odd siblings, but we never saw Roberto with any one-on-one time with them. Maybe Ali prevented it to not scare Roberto away. Again, Chris, I’m sorry.

- Why must there be a “one?” There are multi-BILLIONS of people in the world and the rationale that there is only ONE to suit you is just outrageous to me. It’s like saying you only like one kind of pizza. Only one kind of pizza is for you. That's it. And THAT, my friends, is outrageous (Sono Wood Fired opening Wednesday, August 4th!! Yes, I love shameless plugs).

- Hulu is giving me the “have one period a year” pill commercial. I am clicking the “no” on the “Is this ad relevant to you?” question and contemplating canceling my Internet.

- Two months. I never knew the full timeline of this show. Friends of mine: If I am ever engaged after two months of knowing someone, please punch me in the throat. Again, as much fun as it has been to write about this show, sometimes, ugh.

- It’s hard to not root for Chris. He’s just a nice, personable guy. I can say with almost 100% certainty he will lose and I hate cheering for the underdog simply because they are the underdog, but I’m Team Chris.

- She knows she’s picking Roberto. She’s worse than LeBron pretending not to know he was going to Miami. Chris is like Cleveland if Cleveland’s mom had died. (You’re rooting for him NOW, aren’t you?)

- I’m curious how I am going to react when she rejects Chris. If I feel sad, I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to have guy friends any more. Especially if they read this.

- Even Ali’s family chose Roberto, but threw in fake support for Chris. Damn it. Sorry, Cleveland.

- Ali’s expression says “Yeah, I get it, Chris is great. You have SEEN Roberto, right? I mean, did you ever picture me with a guy who looks like Roberto?”

- Heading into part 2: I hope Chris wins, but come on. It’s all Roberto.

- I like that Ali & Roberto “happened” upon a school of stingrays yet Roberto is holding a fish to feed them. I'm gonna guess he didn't reach into the ocean with lightning fast refelexes or a wooden spear to catch that fish. Go to hell, ABC. This show is overstaged.

- Understatement of the show – Roberto “Ahhh, this is paradise.” Yeah, it’s freaking Bora Bora. Of course it’s paradise. I mean it LITERALLY is paradise.

- I think Ali may not know how to read. She pointed at the middle of the letter Roberto wrote on the back of the picture and smiled like a retard and then they cut to him reading it to her. Are we sure she isn’t eating crayons in her bungalow in Bora Bora?

- Part 2 sucks. This is way too lovey-dovey for me. This is undoing all of the ESPN I have watched over the last few years.

- Do I even watch the Chris date at this point? This is like sticking around at the Cubs game after they gave up 25 hits and were down by 10+ runs.

- Gotta say, I am not sure it is typical protocol to tell one of the two remaining guys he’s not “the one” and have him leave, but a stand-up move by this year’s bachelorette. Respectable.

- Good news everyone, I wasn’t sad for Chris. I can continue being a guy.

- “I wanted to make sure I made the right decision. Choose the right ring. Ya know, I just. I gotta talk to Chris Harrison first.” Oh yeah, still think THAT should be a show!

- Fine, fine. She looks pretty at the end.

- I will be upset with any of my close friends who see “Step Up 3D.”

- This is a really anti-climactic moment for me. I knew Roberto was going to take it, even so far back as the first couple times I blogged about this. What I had no idea would happen is that they would play the Elton John “Lion King” song to seal the moment. It’s official: I will not watch any more seasons of this show. In other words, I am not feeling the love tonight.

Well, ladies and gentlemen (and let’s be honest, it’s just ladies reading these Bachelorette blogs—sans Tommy), that will just about wrap up my Bachelorette blogging. I appreciate everyone reading along with me through the tenure of this show and hope you’ll still tune in when the next TV series blog begins: “Bachelor Pad.” It’s a douche bonanza, so the fun will be back.

Viva Roberto!

Talk soon…

The Decision & The Ousting of the Frank

2010-07-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

As this season of "The Bachelorette" draws to a close, I am at multiple crossroads. For one, I am finding it much more difficult to make this blog funny based on the fact that all of the remaining people heading into the finale are seemingly too normal and/or quality to really poke fun at them. Also, the show is almost over-- what to write about week in and week out? Oh no!

Well, sleep well tonight because like Lebron, I have also made a decision. After watching my first series of "The Bachelorette" in its entirety, I am by no means addicted to reality TV. Outside of cooking shows, I find other reality programming borderline intolerable across the board. That said, I have decided (along with the Chois nudging me in the right direction) that the new ABC show "Bachelor Pad" will be the next show to be captured in its entirety on the blog. So, as of August 9th, get ready because there is no possible way I am going to run out of material with this show. So, to repeat, I am taking my talents to Bachelor Pad.

On to the show...

As of last week, the ranking were:

#1: Roberto
#2: Chris L.
#3: Frank

As an episode, this was a weak night, most likely because we haven't heard from Casey in weeks now and no one else is willing to become a tatted up acapella singer. Unfortunate.

I fell asleep during the Roberto date. I think this is a sign that he isn't going to win. He's kind of boring and not at all funny. To me, I would think that the female viewers would most certainly want use Roberto's human Shake Weight, but at the end of the day Roberto is merely the "lust" pick. He's the guy that female viewers can admit Roberto is the one they want to stick, but Chris is the one they want to stick with. (See what I did there?) Plus, Roberto seems to be funny like when someone tells you your family died in a cruise line disaster. So, on to the second date with Chris L. who definitely has to have the bulk of viewers backing him. Chris is genuine, seems like he won't quit being a landscaper to pursue his acting career 3 months removed from the show and, in case you didn't know, he hasn't dated in a year since his mother passed away. He has only mentioned this 48 times per episode for the last six weeks. I feel bad about his family situation, but we get it, man. You have the sympathy vote, now quit beating that horse. We get it.

NOW, onto the Frank debacle. First of all, have you ever seen more scripted packing than on this show? The Chris L. dramatic pause at the bathroom counter; Roberto pausing to look at his-- gulp-- "Lion King: The Musical" CD; Frank eloquently laying his suit into his bag. I thought my eyes were going to bleed. Can they not just say, "Okay guys, we'll just get some filler of you packing" and just let it be natural? And why does this make me so angry? Is it time to re-examine my life?

Anyway, the following thoughts occurred during the Frank situation:

- Man, Frank is a little bitch.

- Okay, ABC, listen: Frank lives in his parents' basement in Geneva. Chicago is STILL not his hometown. And who is editing this footage? Frank stood in the middle of an intersection at the end of Michigan Ave. and then later was crossing that same intersection but coming from the way he just came. To make matters worse, he stood at the corner pondering-- like only Frank can-- while the crosswalk sign was giving the little white "WALK" guy. Get moving Frank, you jerk.

- No chance Nicole was surprised by his visit. If he didn't notify her ahead of time to mention that an entire camera crew with a sound guy would be in her apartment that day, then I can see why he lives at home.

- Nicole: "You are consuming my mind. I'm, like, shaking." Cue ABC producer: Hey Nicole, if things don't work with Frank, would you like to be the next Bachelorette?

- Frank still milked a free trip to Tahiti. Nicely done.

- No one in the world is more melodramatic than Frank. My mom watching the first 15 minutes of "Up" thinks he needs to dial it down.

- I insist that ABC makes a new show based solely around Frank's statement "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt Ali. I had to talk to Chris Harrison first."

- On the next "I Have To Talk To Chris Harrison First": Lindsay won't stop drinking. Her drug usage is rampant. Her career is falling apart and she's obtained enough DUIs to land her in the big house for 90 days. But before she goes in, she needs to talk with Chris Harrison first! Wednesday nights on ABC!!

- Quote from Tommy: Frank: "Chris before tonight, my dad was the only man who's ever made me cry." I wish Frank would have really said that.

- COLD-BLOODED COMMENT OF THE NIGHT: Also from Tommy. "What if Frank just looked at her and said, 'On the bright side, I did come on here to find love. And I did. With Nicole.'" How great would that have been? He would've broken LeBron's record for "Guy to go from loved to hated the fastest" for 2010/

- Ali sat way too patiently waiting for Frank to give his explanation. What girl does that? She has TWO other guys she is "falling for," so blow Frankie Cardigan off! Also, very anti-climactic. Was hoping for a little rage in there. Instead we get a little stroll down the beach and a sit down. Of course, who stops by to talk? Chris Harrison is everywhere you want him to be!! (Side note, Tommy suggested that Ali sit down and then, from the sand, Chris Harrison would just sit up out of the sand as if he was there the whole time. I love watching TV with the Chois.)

- Lebron didn't know what to do. Stay loyal to Cleveland? Join his friends in Miami? Or maybe head to Chicago to prove his abilities on a historic level? With a decision like this, Lebron's first decision was simple: Talk to Chris Harrison. Wednesday nights!!

- I think we all hoped Frank would've told Ali he didn't have the words to explain it to her, so he brought Casey back to sing her the explanation acapella. Take it, Swedish Chef!!

- Ugh. Dull episode. I should mention though that it's nice that Ali incorporates African Tribal garb into her weekly wardrobes. That dress at the end did a great job of making her Bachelorette 15 look like a Bachelorette "I just spent the day at Hometown Buffet" 65. Well done, Ali.

So, another episode in the books and nothing happening next week. Heading into the finale my vote goes to Chris L. Although if he doesn't win it all, there is probably a 100% chance he is the next guy to be selected as "The Bachelor." The finale is going to HAVE TO return to the running draft format in two weeks and then onto "Bachelor Pad!" Looks like this Fall I will actually be getting dumber! (And next week I may have to write about something NOT TV-related.)

Side note, just heard ESPN reporting Brett Favre is deciding soon if he will come back. He just needs to talk to Chris Harrison first. Details to follow.

Talk soon...

Meet the Parents: The Bachelorette Final Four

2010-07-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

I would like to tell you that I spent Monday working and setting up the new restaurant I will be managing (Sono Wood Fired opening in July/August 2010!!-- shameless plug) and not once contemplating what my plans were for tonight and who Ali was going to kick off the show.

I would like to tell you that.

Truth be told, however, I am invested. I have time equity in this show and while I still do not really care who she decides to run with, I am interested to say the least. (Thanks a lot, Tesha.)

So, heading into tonight I plotted and planned another exciting diary-style blog, but realized at the beginning this would not work. So I broke each down into the individual dates and what thoughts were running through my head as each date moved on to fun, families and on to the next one.

Rankings Pre-Show:
#1: Roberto
#2: Kirk
#3: Frank
#4: Chris L.

I should say, I watched the show via DVR, but kept notes as it was going and did not go back and change them. Oh yeah, this may as well just have been a live chat. Snap.

And we're off...

Roberto's Date

- Fittingly, the top contender for Ali bats leadoff, no pun intended as he is a former baseball player. Current Occupation: Dreamboat for any women who watch this show.
- Did anyone else know how amazing the University of Tampa's campus looked? It's like a foreign castle, but in a tropical weather paradise. Please, please, youth of the world: go to school in a warm, fun location.
- Again, no pun intended, but Roberto is out of this girl's league and I am starting to think that even he knows it. Thus bringing us to the Too Hot Girlfriend Theory: Girlfriends who are too hot can often lead to guys wondering if she knows she's too hot and could potentially leave for someone "better," cheat, develop a pretentious, high-maintenance attitude, etc. I think Roberto maybe had a super hot girlfriend(s) in the past and has realized this theory as he is not a dumb guy by my perception. So, in order to avoid said issue(s) again, he dials it down a notch to a girl like Ali-- not crazy hot, but gets the job done. She's not looking different directions at the same time like the girl she lost to, aka The Underminer.
- Ahhh, the patented "Bachelorette" pick-up and twirl hug. Originally patented by Frank who performed the move 28 times on the First Impression Date, the pick-up and twirl has now become a staple for every guy on the show in every one-on-one situation. Speaking of Frank, can we not get a picture-in-picture with him doing commentary that would entail him whining about all the things he wants to do with Ali? At least make it an option on the DVD commentary?
- Yep. Guys who have baseball cards usually win things like this show.
- The only thing really wrong with Roberto at this point is that he is on this show. How is this guy having problems meeting a girl to the point where "The Bachelorette" seems like the solution to the problem. (Note to friends: If going on a reality show is ever mentioned by me as a solution to any problem, please knock me out and give me the "Dexter" treatment. Thanks.)

CONCLUSION: Roberto retains his spot at the top of the list. Family was cool, he has a baseball card and Ali can not do better. He's the alpha.

Chris L.'s Date

- Chris loves and speaks of Cape Cod like I speak of Peoria. I am not sure if that makes me look bad, but makes me a Chris L. fan.
- Ali said "doggy." Ugh. I dated a girl once who referred to the bathroom twice on one date as the "potty." Yeah, it didn't work out. I hate baby talk.
- Chris' dad busts out the "you're the one who stole my roommate" line. I love lines that are only capable of being said by old men, father, uncles, grandfathers, etc., but are still somewhat witty. There are also cheesy ones that only old guy (and Joe Luck) say, but the ones that hit always do well.
- Debate: Living at home, Chris vs. Frank-- seems like Chris does it because his mom passed, his dad was lonely and the family is close. I am guessing Frank does it because he is afraid of the dark, doesn't want to learn to do laundry and enjoys watching romantic comedies with his mom on weekends. I support one of these two guys for their decision.
- What can be said badly about Chris? His mom died, his family is great and he seems to have developed a nice comfort with Ali. I can't mock him. I may actually be quietly rooting for him.

CONCLUSION: Strong showing by Chris and his family. My buddy Tommy tweeted it best when he said Chris' dad's one-on-one speech with Ali just locked it up for him to be the next Bachelor if he goes home." Great call there and he has easily moved up to #2 on my rankings at the halfway point.

Kirk's Date

- After finding out Kirk is from Green Bay, the Bears' fan in me is now automatically rooting against Kirk. Sorry, buddy.
- I love when people who don't live in a city refer to their hometown as a "city." Yes, I do this with Peoria, a CITY which also boasts a skyline, nearby riverboat casino and 4 a.m. bars that include a strip club. When Green Bay makes those same offerings we can talk.
- I was just mesmerized with a quiet man in a mustache creepily grinning and saying "Would you like to see my basement?" I mean, if this were a movie a black girl in the theater would have yelled out "Oh, HELLLLL no." I digress.
- OH WOW! The follow up line at the basement door of "You want to go first?" said with another creepy grin just capped off the best moment since the Casey song. (Man, I miss Casey. In hindsight, maybe don't sing acapella and get tattoos on national television, Chef.)
- Ali said it was "kind of freaky." That's like saying the city of Cleveland had "kind of a bad night" last Thursday. It's okay Ali-- you can ask to go back upstairs immediately.
- Kirk's mom-- known for her days spent luring children into her oven with candy-- seems nicer than in the stories I read as a kid.
- Whoop, AND she has braces. But she is nice and her story about her son was sweet. My friend Katherine texted me at one point that "the producers of the bachelorette make this show for idiots like me- tears..." I can not argue with you, Kat.

CONCLUSION: Nothing special here. Kirk & Ali started off strong, making out every time they saw each other and since then have just never really developed. As of now, he is who I pick for elimination.

Frank's Date

- Frank, you live at home with your parents. Your home turf is not the city of Chicago. Okay, maybe when you drive in on weekends to go to Lou Malnati's and walk down Michigan Ave.
- Gotta love the awkward moment when Ali said she could potentially be meeting her future in-laws and Frank just said "yeah." Why is he getting more and more weird every episode.
- "Thank you for calling Wet Blankets by Frank. How may I help you?"
- Frank is rambling himself into 4th place on both my "Who Will Win" and "Who I Hope Wins" lists. What are the odds he is laying across the front door like an actual doormat when Ali gets to his parents' house?
- So far Frank's face through dinner is like Fredo before he gets into the fishing boat in "Godfather 2."
- I don't know about you, but when Ali and Frank's mom got up to head out for a conversation and the camera cut to a solo talk with Frank, I was hoping he would say "I just hate it. I want to be outside with Ali and my mom is taking up all my time." Could Frank be more opposite of Roberto at this point? Nice cardigan, or, the anti-baseball uniform.
- I am curious if Frank's family mocks him when he's around and he then yells "I hate you guys!" runs to his room and locks the door.
- I am really upset that we didn't get a house tour that included heading down to Frank's room in the basement and him showcasing for Ali his collection of "Precious Moments" figurines. I guess they have to save something for the DVD extras.

CONCLUSION: Frank stays, but he's such a little bitch. He is still my #3. As much as I want to support him as an IL guy, I just can't. He's too much of a nancy.

Ceremony

- Kirk is getting the boot. I would be shocked if Chris was sent home because the other two are definitely staying.
- Really "Bachelor Pad?" I remember seeing this show in junior high when it first aired as "The Real World." Thanks for remaking everything, Hollywood, and then ABC finally settling on an original show and going with "The Gates." That show makes the new "Melrose Place" look like "ER." The new season of "Dexter" really needs to start soon.
- Kirk... HE GONE!! Finally I get one right.

Post-Show Rankings
#1: Roberto
#2: Chris L.
#3: Frank (and in reference to the "next week on..." highlights that always seem to give away too much of what happens next week, no one "needs" to talk, so I feel safe in the current rankings.)

Finally, after watching this show and wondering how in the hell could all of these guys go on a show and really fall for the same girl and all think they should marry her, I get it. Allow me to offer an analogy. When you go to a comedy show you go to laugh. The bigger the comedian, the more you prepare yourself to really enjoy the show. For instance, if you go to an open mic, you just hope for the best. But if you buy tickets to Aziz Ansari (Jerry Seinfeld for those who haven't caught up with the world yet), you INTEND to laugh and intend to do so quite a bit. You drop your guard, get in the frame of mind to be entertained and have a great night. Well, the same goes for this show. These guys go on here with their guard down intending to fall in love. When it comes to falling in love, going to a bar is like the open mic comedy. If you meet someone cool, that's a pretty good go of it, but you usually aren't talking with them and exchanging numbers thinking "I could end up marrying this person." But this show is like the top dog of finding someone to "love"-- hell, it's the entire premise of the show-- so I am starting to see why these guys all have this same mentality. I don't support it, but I get it now. They are all there to "laugh" so to speak and with that in mind it was much easier to do so in this setting then if they were all to just head out to a bar. It's all starting to make a very little, miniscule amount of sense.

Finally, I had an epiphany. And the show still makes me nauseous. Oh well.

Hope you enjoyed, see you in Tahiti!

Talk soon...

The LeBron Decision

2010-07-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry.

I once was a kid growing up in a small town just outside of another small town in middle America. I grew up playing soccer, cheering for sports icons who hit the most home runs, scored the most touchdowns and dunked the most basketballs. Of all the sports I loved and of all the players I idolized, none mattered more to me than Michael Jordan. From his limitless abilities to constant competitive edge and a smile that made Nike from a shoe company to a global phenomenon, MJ became the face of sports for myself and an entire generation. And for that, Cleveland, I am sorry.

For years the Cleveland Cavaliers sought a NBA title. With one shot over Craig Ehlo, Michael ended all hopes of a championship in Cleveland. After picking up the heralded "Jordan Stopper" in Gerald Wilkins, Michael played harder, better and beat the Cavaliers.

But finally, in 2003, the Cleveland Cavaliers finally saw luck swing their way and landed homegrown basketball phenom LeBron James. And after years of almost making it happen-- one year after achieving the best regular season record in the league-- the "King" is gone.

And now, what will become of the NBA in Cleveland? A sport that thrived during the 80's of Lakers versus Celtics; pushed even higher into the 90's with MJ and his quest for championships; a decline of talent and diluted nature of the early 00's; and, finally, the re-emergence of the sport of basketball influenced by the likes of James, Wade, Kobe, Howard, Paul and the other superstars of today. After all the years of waiting and finally landing a break, the sport of basketball may end in Cleveland as quickly as it came.

I can not imagine, not in a million years, how devastated/confused/upset I would have been as a little kid growing up in Peoria, IL to watch the TV with my family one night and to find out that my favorite athlete, my hero, was leaving. Without rhyme or reason-- at least not to a kid of only 10-years-- my favorite sports icon of my entire life was going to play somewhere else.

And for that, I almost feel bad for Cleveland. The city of Chicago and the rest of the state of Illinois for that matter was able to watch the Bulls draft this UNC undergrad, watch him struggle yet play amazing basketball his first five years and then watch as he changed his game, found his teammates and turned the Bulls into a dynasty and himself into a legend and the greatest player of all-time. This was maybe the most amazing sports era ever and one reason why I feel I may live in the greatest age group ever in relation to all sports.

Yet all that said, today, I can not help but feel bad for Cleveland. You deserved better Cavs fans. Lebron is amazing, but you became witnesses. You watched him grow up in your state. You saw the NBA lottery and cheered as you landed the #1 pick. You saw the Cavs draft LeBron and most likely thought a championship was just within reach. And now, you deserve better. You deserve more than a homegrown hero ripping your hearts out on national television. You deserve more than all Ohio kids' idol bolting out of town despite the non-stop support and attempts to build (e.g. Shaq, Antawn, Mo Williams) that were made.

Cleveland you deserve better.

My favorite player was drafted, played, won, retired, returned (sans an hour long ESPN press conference mind you), won and retired (and, no, we don't count the Wizards adventure), all in a Bulls uniform, cementing his legacy as a Bull, a NBA player and a hero. I'm sure in 2003, every kid in Cleveland thought the same fate was in store for them, but now it's gone.

Just don't lose all hope, Cleveland. If it happened in 2003, it can happen again.
Chicago can bear witness to that much.

Talk soon...

The Bachelorette: And Then There Were 5...

2010-07-05T21:44:00.000-07:00

As much as I would love to have sat through another episode of "The Bachelorette" taking tedious notes after every ridiculous moment, after a weekend of consuming Wisconsin-based foods (i.e. fried and with ranch sauce and/or cheese) all day Saturday and drinking every night as well, needless to say I am not at my best mentally.

But still, I missed out on last week because of a DVR miscue so I felt obligated to at least give a few takes leading into next week's highly anticipated episode of Ali visiting the hometowns of the remaining bachelors, two of whom actually still live at home. Way to pick 'em, Ali!

To start, my updated rankings are as follows:
#5: Ty
#4: Chris L.
#3: Frank
#2: Kirk
#1: Roberto

That said, a few notes I wrote down mentally while watching the "Final 5" episode in Lisbon, Portugal...

Annnnnd, we're off.

Out of the gate Roberto gets a solo date. On cue, Frank then chimes in during a one-on-one camera interview whining that he is the one who wants time with Ali, a solo date, blah blah blah. Frank is slowly turning into the biggest doormat in the history of guys from Illinois. Come on, Frank, you're killing the already minimal amount of Midwest street cred that we have. You're an unemployed writer living at home who is broke and whining for more Ali time. In other words, you're making it tough to throw my loyalty in the Team Frank camp. (Side note, my buddy Tommy had the quote of the night. After Frank received the second rose in tonight's ceremony, Tommy quipped in a whiny Frank voice "I really wanted to be the one to get the first rose." Classic Frank.)

So, Ty is not going to win. Before even going into tonight I had him ranked last. She gave him a mercy rose a few weeks ago for his all-out effort helping everyone ride horses and adjusting saddles, but he's like an older brother. He's my vote to be gone. Plus, as gay as it may sound, the brutal difference between Frank's trendy, cool flannel button-down and Ty's awkward, doucher Affliction-esque shirt and weird necklaces-- of which he seems to reveal a new one every week-- is too much to not take into consideration for Ali. No matter how drunk. Where does he find these massive, odd metal pendants?

REALLY starting to become more and more aware of Ali's baby corn teeth.

Roberto is starting to pull away from the other guys. She was genuinely interested during their date, he doesn't whine like Frank, he doesn't live at home and she actually paid attention to him unlike the Kirk date. Speaking of Kirk, the spark is gone, Asbestos. You started out strong, but it's over. I am now going to look up being able to bet on the winner in Vegas books and put it all on Roberto.

I have no take on Chris L. He has a lot of good characteristics-- feel bad for him because of his mom passing away, is close with his family, seems genuinely nice. Yep, NOT winning.

Rose ceremony: Ty is out the door. After a gentle stroll through the rain, Ty is gone and the show gives way to a televised argument that makes me feel awkward enough when overheard in a grocery store soda aisle, let alone aired on national TV during prime time. Sheesh.

I did not watch last year's "The Bachelor," but I wonder if this Vienna girl was the best they offered or if this Jake guy is partially blind. It's not like her humorous, zany personality makes up for her "over there" face. (A friend of mine said this the other night. Just another way of saying "Butter Face," but new and updated. As in, "her face looked pretty when she was over there." I love this.) Once again, the very idea that these shows are for anything but people sick of their jobs and wanting to take a break with a less likelihood of being fired and/or trying to claim their own 15 minutes is just unrealistic at best.

Jake's sheer lack of emotion throughout the majority of this interview makes me wonder if he is going to kill her. Can we also just quickly touch on his transition from airplane pilot to aspiring actor being fueled by a re-appearance on national television to air his grievances with a former fiancee while then also revealing his psychotic temper when he yelled at her to stop interrupting? I'm guessing his agent is not getting any calls for major motion pictures, unless they're making "Fear 2."

Highlight of the evening is the host telling the two of them that we don't care about the dog that Vienna and Jake began arguing about in regards to its housetraining. Great transition. Also, the host is favoring Jake in this interview worse than the Spanish soccer commentators during their last World Cup game. Come on, guy, isn't your job to stay unbiased?

The rankings stay the same headed into the hometown visits. Next week will definitely be receiving a diary-style blog post. So if these blog posts excite you, then get excited.

FINAL SIDE NOTE
If any of you use Twitter, there is a really funny ESPN columnist named Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy) who tweets there often (@sportsguy33). That said, his wife tweets sometimes too (@sportsgal33) and came through with some AMAZING tweets during last night's episode of "The Bachelorette." Feel free to click here to read them yourself, but my top few are as follows:

" I'm starting to see the Bachelorette 15 on Ali. Might be time for a digestive tea date."
"Another food date for Ali with big giant beers? Why don't they just feed her bowls of crisco?"
"Bill: 'Bad sign, Ali's now wearing baggy dresses to the rose ceremonies. Do they have an LA Sports Club in Lisbon?' That was mean."
"Bill thinks Jake's demeanor before Vienna comes out is comparable to someone getting caught with a 12-pack and porn by Chris Hanson."

Freaking hilarious.
Hope the recap wasn't too weak-- more diary action for next week's episode.

Talk soon...

Running Diary - The Bachelorette, Week 5

2010-06-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

On ESPN.com there is a sports columnist and now best-selling author named Bill Simmons who made his big push in popularity when he wrote an NBA Draft Diary a few years ago. In the diary, he went minute-by-minute, give or take, chronicling the happenings of the diary, making witty side comments and basically commentating the entire experience. After his post went live to the viewing public, Simmons' popularity skyrocketed and he landed his job at ESPN.

Now, I am not expecting the same popularity push (though I do encourage the forwarding of this link to all of your friends!), but I LOVE the diary idea and wanted to do the same after some quality feedback from last week's "Bachelorette" column.

So, at the risk of blatantly ripping off Simmons' original, genius idea, without further ado, the Live Diary of "The Bachelorette," Week 5. (Side note: I DVRed the episode and watched it late last night, so for me it was actually just like watching it live.) Here we go...

8:00- Okay, here we go. Right out of the gate, I encourage the flashback from last week that leads-off each episode, but why do they show what's going to happen in the episode we are about to watch? Don't ruin the psychotic scenarios for me, ABC. I like to be surprised. This would be like me throwing a surprise party and telling the person I'm headed there with "Hey, your friend you haven't seen in 15 years who is there wore a really funny shirt." Stop that, ABC.

8:02- Ty is the new Hunter. He may have a chance, but his constant lack of emotion is classic. He just described the experience of going from the West Coast to Iceland with the same jubilance that doctors console the loved ones of a patient who just passed away.

8:03- Kasey just made his first "Psycho Tattoo" reference. The over/under on tonight's show for tatt references is 5.5.

8:04- Love the quick comment "A volcano just erupted in Iceland that hadn't done so in over 100 years." Yeah, that caused millions in lost money to air delays, re-routes and pretty much shut down traveling for the world for days. But good blurb, Ali.

8:05- WHOA! A Chris N. sighting five minutes into the show! A new record for Chris N. !!

8:06- Not sure if this is a common date on this show, but I love the cold-blooded nature of the 2-on-1 date. Looking forward to seeing someone devastated at some point.

8:06- Was NOT aware of the poem contest. This could catapult my comments to historic levels tonight. My head is starting to hurt just thinking of the possibilities of what awful poems these guys could churn out.

8:07- My hope: Kasey's poem will be a reiteration of the lyrics to last week's song. PLEASE KASEY!! In your hindsight you hope and see a rose!!!

8:08- Chris N. with camera time inside the 10-minute mark! The Milford Man has emerged!! Another new record-- congrats Chris N.

8:11- Kasey tatt reference #2. How is he not aware that obtaining a tattoo is the EXACT opposite of relaxing a bit and not being a psychotic killer? Has he not seen "Fear" starring Mark Wahlberg? "Nicole 4 Eva."

8:11- First guess of the night: Craig R. is thrown into the 2-on-1 date.

8:12- Already hate my first guess. Craig R. just put up a decent poem-- good lead-off. 6 out of 10

8:13- Kasey just dropped his "guard and protect your heart" catch phrase. Another over/under, this one is at 3.5.

8:13- Just realized that when cold, Kasey sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown. His poem sounded more like this. (Side note: Gotta love Ali's courtesy smile beacuse there is no chance she understood a word of what the Swedish Chef just read her.)

8:15- Chris N. just eliminated himself with a poem that was a verbal 15-car pile up. Cue: Medley of poems from the other guys b/c these poem recitations is really bad TV.

8:16- Kirk just went MJ on that poem. I think he clinched a solo date with his "root beer eyes" line. Solid performance.

8:17- Frank with the runner-up poem. I am torn on Frank still. Sometimes he's such a Sally and other times he does something cool to make you root for him. I'm on the fence.

8:18- Nailed the Kirk getting the first date guess!!

8:19- Wish announcer would say "Coming up-- Kasey chases down a deer and kills it with his bare hands!" He has to guard and protect her heart.

8:22- 1-on-1 date, Kirk. Act One: Just killed it. Moving up the rankings ladder as we speak.

8:25: Wow. Kirk just bombed Act Two. Holding back from Ali was not the smart play. You have guys getting tattoos, Kirk. You don't have to be a psycho, but come on.

8:26- My 2-on-1 second guess is Justin. I know she's smitten with him and definitely would like to hook up, but not sure he's sticking around for 2 more episodes. I enjoy his 3rd person, Rated-R references.

8:27- Nailed another guess!!! Can't believe I didn't guess that Kasey would be in on the 2-on-1. Justin has a 100% chance of winning this date because even if Kasey doesn't show his tattoo, the Wrestler will expose it for the win. It's No Holds Barred.

8:30- Kirk is now describing the time he lived through the film "28 Days Later" on his 1-on-1. Had no idea mold inhalation could do that much damage. I'll be right back, gotta go throw out some bad bread.

8:33- 1-on-1, Act 3: Kirk just killed it. Told Ali what he wants out a future long-term relationship and made a great case for himself. He could be a front-runner now because the physical aspect has been there since the *gulp* Barenaked Ladies video shoot.

8:37- Frank in little girl mode tonight.

8:37- Kasey tatt reference #3 & #4 within seconds of each other. Hope you all guessed over 5.5.

8:41- My top-3 guesses for group date rose: Roberto, Frank, Chris L. I would think if one of those 3 gets it then he becomes the frontrunner.

8:44- These group dates suck to watch.

8:45- The Wrestler with a cast removal! Upping the ante! Also, I love that he was instructed to throw his crutches away in a garbage can out in front of the hospital. Just in case the removal of the cast itself wasn't enough to cue the viewers of America that he no longer needs crutches. Are we that dumb? Oh, and Justin continues to refer to himself and his alter ego. Good to see someone will be picking up the reigns of chemical imbalance for when Kasey loses the 2-on-1 date.

8:46- Ty is like a big brother. He will not win the overall show.

8:48- Frank just got called out by Ali for being in "Little Girl" mode (aka LG mode). I knew it.

8:54- Ali just took off her snowsuit to reveal nothing but a swimsuit underneath. No way she was wearing that all day, so why the setup ABC? Come on, guys, we're not retards.

8:56- Ty has maybe-- MAYBE-- had two one-on-one conversations with Ali yet he says things like "I love being in her arms. Feel like where I am supposed to be." This show continues to aggravate me. Freshman college girls practice greater restraint.

8:59- Kasey tatt reference #5!! Only one left to hit the over!!

9:00- Frank finally makes a move and gets punked by Ali. Awesome. Roberto seems to be in LG mode too tonight.

9:03- Really? Rose to Ty? I think that's a mercy rose. No way Ty wins this thing, but he did perform well and there are others who can be put on the chopping block. Now she won't have to feel so bad 4 episodes from now.

HOUR 1 WINNERS: Kirk, Chris L., Ty
HOUR 1 LOSERS: Frank, Roberto (LG mode), Kasey, Justin (2-on-1 selections)

9:08- Kasey tatt reference #6!! Anything more than this is just crazy. So I expect double from the craziest guy on the show. (Some where in Texas, Hunter is digging a pit to store girls in his basement while watching the episode, shaking his head and saying "Don't act so crazy, Kasey.")

9:09- Kasey tatt reference #7: The wheels have come off the Kasey sanity bus.

9:12- Seems like these guys could give a shit about Ali and just want to beat the other. The Wrestler compared it to a wreatlig match and holding Ali over his head like a championship belt. Maybe the worst analogy of all time. (Side note: Did Ali knew the Wrestler removed his cast when she decided to take him on a date that included a journey down the side of a volcano?)

9:18- Wrestler finally speaks on the date. Not making a strong case.

9:19- Kasey catch phrase usage #2. Followed quickly by tatt reference #8. Oh my.

9:21- Have I been more excited for anything as much as I am for Kasey to reveal his tatt and seeing what facial expression Ali will make? Yes, but I am still excited.

9:22- Ali's face after seeing the tattoo seemed to say "Do the camera guys have an obligation to step in if Kasey starts choking me and laughing?" Awesome.

9:25- Seems like she doesn't want either guy to come back, but Justin gets the rose.

9:27- Right now Kasey is making a face that seems like he is thinking "I could just smile and leave or kill her and survive in the cold like the Yeti." Kasey is going to be in a bad headline before his life is all said and done.

9:29- Did they make Kasey walk home? Justin is inthe chopper with Ali and in camera time referred to himself as his alter ego again. Good to see him blatantly take the "Psycho Belt" away from Kasey before they made Kasey scale the iceberg home.

9:32- Frank steps up finally.

9:34- Chris N. has officially not had any more camera time since the 8:08 mark. Milford: Neither seen, nor heard. He's giving Buster Bluthe a run for his money.

9:36- On cue, a one-on-one chat with Ali & Chris N. He just told her he's funny, yet he hasn't smiled since they took his picture for the portraits they show prior to the Rose Ceremony. Chris N. is about as interesting as tree bark and just submitted a hug that is more awkward than hugging a girl you dated for 6 years who you bumped into a bar and found out just got engaged. There is no way Chris N. survives the Rose Ceremony.

9:40- Good to see she is still smitten with Roberto who is, like she said, totally out of her league.

ROSE CEREMONY

9:47- My next 3 to go (in order, barring anything crazy happening): Chris N., Justin, Craig R.

9:48- This Ali/Chris (the host) exchange just got really weird. His smiling while nodding his head reply was the clincher for weird moments of the night.

9:57- So much for Chris N. being just quiet and nice enough to sneak off to the next global destination.

9:58- Maybe the understatement of the year is Chris N. saying "I'm at a loss for words." Really? You don't say?

So concludes the diary of Week 5. My current update rankings (in parentheses are how much the person moved up, down or remained from last week's rankings):

#1: Roberto (same)
#2: Kirk (+4)
#3: Frank (-1)
#4: Chris L. (same)
#5: Ty (+4)
#6: Justin (-1)
#7: Craig R. (+1)

Justin barely edges out Craig R. because she wants to bang Justin. However, based on the preview of next week, the ranking are going to be shaken up because someone...has a girlfriend at home!!! Oh no!! (Once again, this show is so full of s**t. I digress.)

Hope you enjoyed the diary!! Don't forget to send the link to people you know!

Talk soon...

The Bachelorette - Oh, the Humanity

2010-06-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of "despite" going around in my brain right now. Let me explain.

Despite my loathing for the majority of things reality. Despite the belief that a television show has a realistic chance of finding your true soulmate companion (I explain this in detail in a past blog post.). Despite that the situations always appear to be a little too convenient to NOT be pre-arranged. Despite that in my head most of the contestants are on searching for their 15 minutes and two months worth of US Weekly publicity. Despite that my buddy Howie wrote a great script for a fun, clever, funny sitcom that won't get made because it costs more than to peddle out some doormat and let a bunch of testosterone-loaded fame hogs pursuing said doormat. Despite all these things and more...

...I agreed via my friend Alina to watch this season of "The Bachelorette" so we could write about it back-and-forth for an upcoming blog we will be publishing most likely on a different site, but in the very near future.

So, now I venture to the home of Tommy & Tesha Choi every Monday, Tuesday or-- at the latest-- Wednesday to watch the newest episode of America's most absurd "game show" to see how much more ridiculous it can be than what is already in my head.

And the results have been amazing. Comparing this to a car crash that you can't take your eyes off of is an injustice. There have already been two moments through 3 episodes that I literally had to look away because the awkwardness I felt for the people on the screen was too much to bear. By actually witnessing the awkward moments of this show and realizing they make "Curb Your Enthusiasm" seem like a feisty episode of "Mad About You," I now understand the appeal. (At least the show's appeal to me because the rest of it is still completely moronic.)

That said, I have done my own analysis of the show through the first four episodes. Before the third episode I ranked the remaining bachelors chances of winning based on what I have watched. Here's my take on the male contestants on "The Bachelorette" from most likely to lose to the favorite (along with my own personal notes) for your reading pleasure. Enjoy...

#13: Hunter
There is a chance Hunter has killed a man before. He shows no emotion. On his one-on-one date, he was about as convincing at telling Ali he was into her as Buffalo Bill was at convincing Clarice Starling he didn't know who the missing girl was at the end of "Silence of the Lambs." Hunter, obviously, was eliminated and is now digging a massive pit in the basement of his home in Texas to trap kidnapped girls.

#12: John C.
John C. was devastated that his scene with Ali in the Barenaked Ladies video was devoid of any physical interaction. In fact, his moment of devastation was captured and mocked on "The Soup," which was pretty funny. Side note: Can we discuss the selection of the Barenaked Ladies? Was AHA not available? Were Fuel and/or Vertical Horizon busy? ABC is aware that there are bands out now that people still listen to that would do this, right? John C. had about as good a chance of winning as me googling and watching the new BNL video.

#11: Jonathan (The Weatherman)
So, this section may be a little long because there is a lot to address. Rather than mentioning that people have so little respect for him that he is only called "Weatherman," let's start with his man-feud with Craig M. in week 2. I don't think he went a single on-camera interview or one-on-one moment with Ali without mentioning the words "Craig M." and "dangerous." I think he just wanted Craig M.'s sweet, swooping wanna-be-Patrick-Dempsey flowing hair part. I won't harp on the fact that he looks like a miniature Tom Cruise at times, either. I will though, point out that on the website his bio says to impress a girl he would "write her a song on guitar and sing it for her." Did anyone else here him sing at "The Lion King" tryout? Cats have died with better pitch. And then he had the audacity to really bust out a guitar before the week 4 rose ceremony! Really?! Has anyone on this show ever seen shows/movies where a guy plays guitar and it's doesn't end up as the douchiest move ever (up until the Kasey acapella moment, but more on that later)? Of course it did give way to Kirk's sarcastic remark ala "just what we need: another guy playing acoustic guitar in the house" line, so that is a silver lining. And let's not forget when the Weatherman cried on the set of a Barenaked Ladies video after finding out he was going to have to kiss Ali. (I hope to God that in my life my name never precedes the words "cried on the set of a Barenaked Ladies video" or I will feel like I let my whole family down.) He has zero chance of winning, but at least a little more of a shot than the other two guys. But now...HE GONE!

#10: Kasey
Maybe in Ali's head Kasey has more of a chance, but I have never thought for a second he was going to win this competition. For God's sake, he sounds like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. In fact, there was a moment in week 4-- right before he and Ali boarded the helicopter I think-- when he said something that was just plain inaudible. It was awesome. Of course, his catch phrase "I'm here to guard and protect your heart" has to be about the stupidest thing I have ever heard. (And honestly, if you would have told me the over/under for him saying it heading into the episode was 7 times, I would have said "under." I would have lost.) If I said that to a girl and she went home with me, I would know already that when she left the next morning I would never call her again (points for me for backhandedly coming across as a scumbag-- woo-hoo!). Seriously, what girl hears that line and actually thinks it is anything more than a FREAKING LINE! Oh, but wait, he got it as a tattoo. So now it's more than just a line, it's a permanent reminder that he will, in fact and as Chris L. stated, go down as "that guy with the weird shield and heart tattoo from 'The Bachelorette.'" (A hilarious statement by Chris L. by the way.) Finally, let's talk about it: his acapella song to Ali. First, let's examine the words:

First verse:
When I was flying
In the helicopter
Over this amazing city
I looked to my left
and never saw something so pretty

[Brief pause to let her react and find out that she has NO CLUE how to react to what just happened & to think of words to the second verse.]

Second verse:
At the end of tonight
I'm not just your average joe
But I hope in my hindsight
I'll see and find a rose.

Kasey: Yeah, ha, ha, ha. That's pretty intense stuff.

[Cue maybe the most awkward reaction to an acapella song in the history of television. And scene.]

I mean, I have had a few awkward moments in my life that happened to me live and in-person and they all fall tremendously short to how this made me feel. I could barely watch this without turning away. I felt like showing up before the two of them boarded the helicopter like Marty McFly screaming "Kasey wait! I need to tell you about your future!" Alas. And the worst part about Kasey is that his tattoo would have sent her running for the hills but Frank came and ruined the reveal. That said, I am excited that there is still at least one sure-fire chemically imbalanced guy left on the show (who sounds like the Swedish Chef).

#9: Ty
I have never seen a more bland individual on a show. His accent, his style and everything about him just screams, "Hey look! I'm any guy U.S.A.!" He seems nice and all, but he is not winning and I put his deadline at a week 6 maximum.

#8: Craig R.
Craig R. loves to insist to Ali that he is fun and funny and a great time. He then shows her by sitting alongside quietly, never joking around and just watching things happen all around him without much of a reaction to any of them. Ummmm, hey Craig R., not sure you're really getting the concept of how to win this game. I mean, you don't have to sing acapella, but you could at least back up the "I'm funny" shtick with a joke or something. Regardless, he will not win. No chance.

#7: Chris N.
The enigma. The mystery. Chris N. In week 4, Chris N. maybe appeared on camera prior to the rose ceremony twice. Maybe. Yet he has received a rose every week! He is my pick as the sure-fire-getting-a-one-on-one-date-with-Ali pick for week 5, at the most week 6. I think it'll be like the Hunter date where she doesn't know enough about him and is leaning toward elimination, but at least want to make sure he's not the guy. The guy definitely seems like a Milford Man (and if you got that reference you obviously have seen "Arrested Development" and I will give you a hug).

#6: Kirk
As weeks go by, Kirk's stock continues to move up. From his in-bed make out session that he parlayed into a hot tub make out session later that evening, Kirk has definitely made himself physically attractive to Ali. He also made that funny comment about the Weatherman's acoustic set and seems to be one of the few guys there who is not pulling out retarded songs, stupid one-liners and swearing they love the girl after the second week of knowing her. In short, he seems normal and that can be a key characteristic in this show. He's the sleeper pick.

#5: Justin
Everyone's favorite "Rated-R Superstar." Justin is one of two guys that Ali appears to look at and wants to ravage. I don't think for a second that he can win the competition outright, but I do think two things: 1: Ali wants to have sex with this guy. No doubt. 2: His leg injury easily switched legs in the editing during his hike to her place in week 3. This was also pointed out on "The Soup" and was a genius catch. I think this guy is the token "on the show because I think I am good-looking enough to get noticed and be hired to do something else" guy. He reminds me of everything college was in 2000: lots of hair gel, horrible arm tattoos and silver necklaces worn outside the shirt. It's 2010 now.

#4: Chris L.
Going into week 3, I thought Chris L. was definitely top-5, but maybe not cracking the top-3. After talking about his mom with Ali, landing the one-on-one on his birthday that ended with him calling his dad and seeming like just a nice, normal guy, he could potentially be the favorite in some rankings. Plus his "that guy" comment about Kasey was priceless. However, the coolest thing for me about this guy is the tattoo of his mom's signature. Not only a heartfelt gesture, but also original and just a really cool idea if you are going to honor the death of someone in tattoo form. In the #4 spot, Chris L. has officially become the "dark horse" pick.

#3: Jesse
The youngest of the contestants, I thought for sure Jesse would be sticking around for a while after his one-on-one. I definitely think that there are a lot of girls watching this show who have thought to themselves "Yes. Yes I would sleep with him if I met him out." That said, bad tattoos can be a deal breaker, especially if they take up major portions of the human body. Plus, once you get to a certain age, shouldn't the crunchy, hair-sprayed weird spiky hair go by the wayside? How long does that stick around? In the end, he had opposite aspirations as Ali and deserved to go this past week. Plus, added props to saying he can't wait to get home and "see his dogs." Midwest girls officially love and miss this guy.

#2: Frank
I am torn on Frank. On one hand, he's from Illinois, near Chicago. On the other, after week 1 he considered Ali his girlfriend and was already talking about missing her. On one hand, his name is Frank (same name of the guy whose shirt Adam Sandler wears in "Billy Madison"). On the other, during their first date I counted at least 4 "pick up and twirl around hugs" and that is well past excessive. I feel that Frank often seems too desperate to the crowd at home, always bitter to see Ali on a date with someone else and constantly complaining about it. However, I think he is really forcing the issue of actually falling for the girl and vice-versa and that sincerity helps his cause. In fact, Ali pulling him off to the side just to let him know that he is still one of the top dogs made him a lock for making the top-3.

#1: Roberto
Roberto is the other guy who, during his first one-on-one time with Ali, while speaking to him she just seemed smitten and ready to pounce. Roberto also won the "Lion King" audition and was the only one intelligent enough to sings-- albeit not beautifully, but with max effort-- directly to Ali as she sat and watched. If TJ Lavin was judging, he would have told Roberto "You killed it." The guy has traveled all over the place, speaks Spanish as his first language and a few others on top of that, he's a baseball player (or maybe former) and has that genuine vibe Frank possesses as well, but without the desperate whiny nonsense. Barring a moment when the two go on a date in Arizona and the police stop him for his papers, I don't see Roberto skipping a beat into the finals at least and at this point he is the favorite in my rankings. Plus his favorite things to do listed on his bio are to hang out at the beach with a boat, guitar, dominos and good people. Though I am not a fan of guitars on beaches (or anywhere on dates for that matter as seen above) I am a fan of dominos (even if it is misspelled on the ABC website-- it's actually "dominoes"). I am also a fan of any situation as specific as hanging out on the beach with a boat and good people while playing guitar and dominoes. I think ABC was looking for more general things you like to do Roberto, but good answer anyway.

And that is my list thus far. I am thinking about doing a Bill Simmons-esque running diary for the next episode and just commenting on it minute-by-minute or so throughout the episode as things come up, but I'm not 100% on that. Plus, if I work it would have to be a retro-diary and that could lose some luster. Regardless, look forward to more blogs to come, including a new joint blog with my friend Alina and I discussing topics from how to tour Chicago, playlists for a road trip and why so many movie remakes are occurring. All exciting, plus she is hilarious so you should all enjoy it if you get a kick out of my solo stuff. If not, why have you even made it to this sentence?

Talk soon...

The Maxim 2010 [Revised] Hot 100

2010-05-12T08:43:00.001-07:00

In 2009, my friend Ayal and I were perusing the Maxim Hot 100 list and found many flaws that we felt must be brought to the attention of the world (or at least the part of the world that reads my blog). So, we took a closer look at their list, made a few changes, took a few girls off, added a couple of our own and the end result we believed to be a much better list than the Maxim original.

Cut to 2010 and the folks at Maxim have again released a list that is close, but not quite right. So, back to the drawing board for Ayal and myself. This year, however, we have adapted the "Joe Luck Corollary," which states that whether the girl can "wear a mean bikini" must be taken into consideration. That said, our updated list is complete, the proper people have been added and/or removed and the end result is below. But first:

HONORABLE MENTIONS

As are most lists, there are a few people left off who should at least be mentioned in order to honor their hotness (hence the term "honorable mention"). I am assuredly forgetting a few, but these are the few of them I recall:

Vanessa Hudgens, Carrie Underwood, Heidi Klum (sorry, Joey), Freida Pinto, Monica Bellucci (sorry, Ayal), Sarah Shahi, Isla Fisher/Amy Adams, Keira Knightley (sorry, Larry), Salma Hayek/Penelope Cruz, Gisele Bundchen, Adriana Lima, Maria Menuonos, Chelsea Handler, Rebecca Mader, Lea Seydoux & Milla Jovovich

CUTS

Maxim LOVES adding people to this list whose stars used to shine so brightly, but have become shells of their former selves. One they left off-- as did I-- was Lindsay Lohan for obvious reasons. A few others include Ke$ha (dollar sign in the name and, despite her "Tik Tok" video, remarkably overrated), Britney Spears (it's over, people), Jennifer Love-Hewitt (it was over four years ago and still is) & Lily Allen (cool as hell, great musician, not making the true list).

THE TOP 100
(Right-click and open the links in new tabs/windows to avoid the re-direct)
(***NOTE: I have included two things in parentheses-- the first number is their place on Maxim's 2010 list, the other (in bold) is their place on my revised list from 2009. That is all. ***)

100. Angelina Jolie [#38/38]
As much as it pains me to do this to such an All-Time, 1st-Team veteran, it's almost time to hang 'em up-- not for the world, just hot lists. SIDE NOTE: I was so on point with this last year, right? Maxim, you're a year behind, kiddo.
99. Lauren Storm [#100/not listed]
98. Chanel [#98/not listed]
97. Allison Brie [#99/not listed]
96. iJustine [#96/not listed]
95. Zooey Deschanel [#73/not listed]
Don't get me wrong-- this girl is hilarious, has a great singing voice and is SUPER pretty, but let's not get crazy. Although she did make it that any time I hear the Christmas song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" I now envision her in the shower singing to me. With Will Ferrell. Wait, never mind.
94. Kelly Ripa [#94/not listed]
93. Anna Faris [#42/#39]
As I mentioned last year, a lot of people tell Pam she looks like Anna Faris. I completely disagree. Pam is wicked hotter than Anna Faris.
92. Helena Mattson [#92/not listed]
91. Amber Lancaster [#91/not listed]
90. Kristin Gustafson [#95/not listed]
Kristin is the winner of the Maxim Hometown Hotties contest. With good reason-- definitely takes out the new Joe Luck Corollary (dubbed the "JLC" from here on out).
89. Shakira [not listed/not listed]
She should be on the list. She's singing the 2010 World Cup theme song-- come on now!!
88. Kelly Brook [#89/not listed]
87. Daniela Rush [#88/not listed]
86. Anna Paquin [#84/not listed]
In efforts to not alter the list too much, I left her in. However, I once had a conversation with my buddy Ry-Guy and he concluded that there are some celebrities who are put in your face so frequently that you have no choice but to be convinced that they are hotter than they are (SEE: Pattinson, Robert). Or Anna Paquin. Put it this way, if Anna Paquin walks by me on the city streets-- not as the star of "Trueblood," but as an ordinary person-- I don't turn in awe. That, my friends, is manufactured hotness.
85. Jessie James [#86/not listed]
84. Kylie Bisutti [#85/not listed]
83. Danielle Panabaker [#83/not listed]
82. Navi Rawat [#81/not listed]
81. Kara DioGuardi [#93/not listed]
80. Padma Lakshmi [not listed/#65]
I tried to keep Kara DioGuardi and Padma together as they are both born in 1970, both are relevant via reality competition programs and both are much hotter than they are given appropriate credit for. Put it this way, the Maxim list has Anna Paquin ahead of both of these ladies. Criminal.
79. Annalynne McCord [#67/#9]
A pretty drastic drop, but I think we bought into the hype last year and she never should have broken the top 20. So this year, this is the atoning for that mistake. Sorry, Annalynne.
78. Emma Roberts [#78/not listed]
77. Yvonne Strahovski [#77/#98]
76. Stephanie Pratt [#44/not listed]
A new year of reality TV and a new reality star breaks the Hot 100. Can't say I completely agree with her being on the list at all, but certainly not in the top 50. Though it should not be taken into consideration, it's hard to to remember that this guy is her brother. (Bears mentioning that I could not find a quality enough picture that would validate Stephanie Pratt. Just a hunch, but I think this may be a one-hit wonder on the list.)
75. Natalie Morales [#74/not listed]
74. Christian Serratos [#65/not listed]
73. Moon Bloodgood [#51/#20]
I am guessing that her HOT appearance in the new Terminator film last year boosted her status. I think she's better here. Still, though, great name.
72. Dawn Olivieri [#71/not listed]
71. Amanda Seyfried [not listed/not listed]
This girl has blown up since her breakout role in "Mean Girls." She also has seemingly gotten way hotter than she was, but that's no surprise. Needless to say, to leave her off of the list is absurd, so we fixed that.
70. Keeley Hazell [#90/not listed]
69. Hayden Panetierre [#30/#37]
68. Jordana Brewster [#43/#11]
Both Hayden & Jordana are soooo plaaaaaaayed. Still pretty, just others have stepped up more than this one-time top 20.
67. Danica Patrick [#25/not listed]
66. Lindsey Vonn [#59/not listed]
Back in the college years, a few friends and I developed a system that was known as "Bradley hot," meaning that these girls were hot at Bradley's campus, but may not hold up in the bigger ponds of the world. Danica & Lindsey both fall into this category. Danica considered hot because she is the only successful, attractive female race car driver and Lindsey as the only successful, attractive downhill skiier. Against most others on this list (including some that are ranked below them), they can't really compete.
65. Taylor Swift [#31/#53]
64. Katie Cassidy [#41/#45]
63. Monica Keena [#69/not listed]
62. Peyton List [#66/not listed]
61. Eliza Dushku [#26/#25]
Remember when "Bring It On" came out and everyone wanted to know who the smoking hot brunette was in the bikini at the car wash scene in that film? I do too. It was in 2000. A decade later and we're still putting Eliza in the top 30? Well, we're not, but Maxim is and that is a mistake.
60. Odette Yustman [#70/not listed]
59. Grace Park [#60/not listed]
58. Dania Ramirez [#40/#56]
57. Camilla Belle [#64/#77]
56. Lyndsy Fonseca [#62/not listed]
55. Tricia Helfer [#55/#82]
Just noting that her JLC is strong to quite strong.
54. Naya Rivera [#61/not listed]
53. Gabrielle Union [#57/#86]
52. Laura VanderVoort [#53/not listed]
51. Erin Andrews [#58/not listed]
So, last year she was not on either list. I know she was on "Dancing With the Stars" and also in the hearts and dreams of college guys nationwide, but would she really be on the list if not for the pervert that secretly taped her changing in a hotel room? Silver lining, Erin. Silver lining.
50. Elizabeth Banks [not listed/#85]
Once again, Maxim missed the boat. I am not suggesting that Elizabeth Banks be offered a spot on the Victoria's Secret Angels roster, but not having a place on the list at all? That's crazy talk! This chick is hilarious, a pretty good actress and all things considered seems like she'd be just a great person to have around. Not to mention: YEAH. This is EXACTLY why we remake the list.

Halfway there, my (few) champion readers. Hope you are enjoying yourselves so far. So, the top 50 contains a lot more mix-ups and moves, so be prepared. The explanations I tried to keep short and sweet, but sometimes real elaboration is needed to make sense of it all. In any case, the Revised Hot 100's Top 50 are...

49. Kristen Bell [#52/#79]
A proper increase. Kristen is pretty adorable.
48. Daneel Harris [#72/#28]
47. Emma Stone [#49/#81]
Not sure what it is, but there is something alluring. I think it's the potential to get hotter.
46. January Jones [#33/not listed]
45. Rachel Bilson [#46/#55]
44. Emmy Rossum [#48/not listed]
43. Kristin Cavallari [#76/not listed]
After a much-anticipated (by those who watch it) return to "The Hills," she re-emerges on the list as well. From not making it last year to the top 50-- quite a jump but her JLC level is too high to ignore.
42. Julianne Hough [#45/#15]
41. Alessandra Ambrosio [#63/#13]
40. Stacy Keibler [#82/#68]
Stacy is consistently ranked much too low. This and this are just two great examples demonstrating my point.
39. Christina Aguilera [#18/#26]
There is a saying heard in Peoria that said "don't spit in my face and tell me it's raining." Well, Maxim, don't give me pictures of X-Tina from early 2000 and tell me she still breaks the Top 20. We all loved the early, R-rated Christina, but time's have changed! I'm not buying it and you shouldn't be selling it, Maxim.
38. Jessica Biel [#32/#22]
37. Nicole Scherzinger [#24/#32]
She's currently killing it on "Dancing With the Stars," and she is not ugly. Teetering right around her same ranking last year, and her consistency is applauded. In a group consisting of a gaggle of girls prancing around in bikinis or less most the time, Nicole is still the alpha dog and that should say something about her (or about the fact that the rest of the girls in the Pussycat Dolls are odd ones).
36. Amanda Bynes [#15/#74]
Top 20? Really? I'm no genius, but if you put Ayal AND me together, we may pass for a genius kind of like Voltron. Considering that point, we are right in moving Amanda down I think.
35. Rihanna [#6/#17]
Eternally overrated by Maxim. I am curious if she is a Maxim investor or if they receive royalties from her album sales. And, seriously (and to appease Pam), can you try to do something just normal with your hair for a stint there, Ri? Pam thanks you. (Side note: Contemplated using "she can take a punch" as a positive, but thought it was in bad taste. Maybe better not to make light of domestic abuse. Oh, and Chris Brown is a doucher.)
34. Malin Akerman [#39/#6]
Jumped the shark last year. We have since adjusted properly.
33. Rachelle Leah [#36/not listed]
32. Alice Eve [#50/not listed]
31. Hilary Duff [#27/#30]
30. Evangeline Lilly [not listed/not listed]
As someone who has never seen "Lost" before, it's hard to speak to the true hotness of Evangeline. Still, for her to not be on the list at all is absurd especially considering how highly touted she was when "Lost" first premiered. Maxim is sorry, Evangeline. We hope this makes it up for you.
29. Kourtney Kardashian [not listed/not listed]
Everyone knows Kim, but Kourtney needs to start getting some cred. And recently she even became one of the top MILFs in Hollywood. We may look back on this next year for moving her up too high, but for not being on the Maxim list at all, we tried to make it up to her. Plus, with her high JLC, we welcome Kourtney.
28. Audrina Patridge [#12/#49]
Great physique and often times quite pretty, no doubt about it (and a remarkable JLC!). However, as my buddy Tommy pointed out once, her eyes are spaced apart more than is typical, so sometimes-- in certain pictures-- she looks a little like a carp. Hence, can't crack the top 15.
27. Olivia Munn [#8/not listed]
26. Ashley Greene [#29/#66]
25. Kaley Cuoco [#28/not listed]
24. Arianny Celeste [#23/not listed]
23. Katy Perry [#1/#24]
In honor of Maxim making her #1 in the 2010 Hot 100, we moved her up one spot from last year. we get it. Her rack is rarely matched. She's pretty (mostly). Still, when scrolling through the hottest 100 of the year, we just can't hand her the trophy.
22. Tess Taylor [not listed/not listed]
Background: Newcomer and late entry, recently popular for her reality show "Pretty Wild" on E! and is 18. And is pretty hot with years of potential to become hotter ahead of her. This year's sleeper pick to be next year's go-to girl, assuming she doesn't get arrested or any other Lohan-esque activities.
21. Elisabetta Canalis [#7/not listed]
Clooney's girlfriend. Sure, that will get you on the list, but into the top 10? Come on.
20. Selita Ebanks [#16/not listed]
19. Minka Kelly [not listed/#12]
So, to no one's surprise, Ayal and I allowed our unwavering love for the show "Friday Night Lights" to influence the list and we put in Minka. Not that there's a lot of room to argue (maybe with her place on the list, but the fact that Maxim left her off completely is ridiculous). Since last year she has cut back on her role on FNL (only 2 episodes in season 3) and gotten engaged to Derek Jeter, but she has also stayed really hot, so good for her.
18. Kim Kardashian [#9/#88]
I am not sure what it is, but in the last year Kim Kardashian has gotten remarkably hotter. I'm not sure if she's top 10 hot, but I am absolutely sure she's top 20. Tremendous JLC.
17. Leighton Meester [#17/#21]
16. Miranda Kerr [not listed/#52]
Yeah, good call Maxim. Dipshits.
15. Scarlett Johanson [#14/#34]
14. Jessica Alba [#34/#5]
She's been out of the spotlight for a while, but no chance that she should fall out of the top 20. She still Jessica freaking Alba!! Ayal and I should be givena job offer from Maxim and that's all there is to it.
13. Amber Heard [#13/#50]
12. Blake Lively [#4/#27]
Gotta say this was one of the tougher decreases. Something about Blake is just dead sexy. Maybe if her show wasn't so miserable, we would be able to move her up a tad. Do something new and we'll see you in 2011.
11. Eva Mendes [#11/#18]
10. Bar Rafaeli [#19/#3]
9. Marisa Miller [#10/#8]
So, the last game if the Bulls season, Joe, Tommy Ayal and I attended the victory over the Celtics. At courtside was Marisa Miller. Not at courtside-- in fact, behind the Celts bench about five rows from the top of the United Center-- were the four of us. At one point Marisa walked from her courtside seat to join Benny the Bull for a little jig during a timeout. Even from nearly the highest spot in the United Center, we all agreed that you could tell there was something different about Marisa Miller. How she walked, dressed, whatever the hell it was, you could just tell she was breathtakingly gorgeous even from the top of the UC. Now THAT lands you in the top 10.
8. Mila Kunis [#22/#2]
7. Zoe Saldana [#3/#10]
6. Joanna Krupa [#37/#72]
One of the big shake-ups in our revised list and perhaps the second-biggest jump in ranking. However, she's earned it. Then again, has she really? No. She was born hot. Yeah, she may work out, diet properly, etc., but come on. Do you really earn something like this?
5. Megan Fox [#5/#1]
Well, now it's time to swallow my pride/bite my tongue/own up to last year's list. I vividly remember writing that as long as she is alive, Megan Fox is the hottest girl on the planet and should always win. Well, much like the analogy I used last year of NBA voters who gave Karl Malone the MVP when MJ was clearly the best in the game every year he played, I am falling into that same category. It's boring putting her in first every year! Not only that, but it's not as if Megan became less attractive. Instead, others just stepped their game up. So congrats to the next four ladies and, Megan, being in the top 5 is nothing to scoff at. See you next year and for the next 10 after that. (P.S. Here-- pick your own.)
4. Brooklyn Decker [#2/not listed]
A crime that she was left off of last year's list, so technically this is the biggest jump on the list, but newcomers don't count. Regardless, Brooklyn has an awesome name as well as awesome everything else. Okay, maybe not so awesome of a husband since it is Andy Roddick who consistently lets us down as the United States' next best tennis player. It's so bad that Tommy has even bought and wears a Roger Federer hat like a traitor. How dare you, Tommy.
3. Emmanuelle Chriqui [#68/#14]
Last year, Emmanuelle was ranked stupidly low. This year Maxim put her at #68. Not to beat a dead horse (and make it seem like there is some sort of personal beef), Anna Paquin was ranked higher than Emmanuelle. Or, Maxim considers this hotter than this or this. That's like saying the McDonald's Big Mac Wrap is better than my bacon-wrapped filet mignon. Don't you dare tell me how to eat, Maxim!
2. Olivia Wilde [#20/#4]
She was last year's #1 in the Maxim Hot 100, but we dropped her to #4. This year, we nudge her a little bit closer if for no other reason that in "The OC" and "House" (and maybe others that I am not aware of), Olivia played a bi-sexual character and made out with girls. Kudos.
1. Sofia Vergara [#47/#95]
The biggest jump in the list! And is there any argument, really? Her JLC is pretty much unmatched by any others on the list. Her new show "Modern Family" is freaking hilarious and just an all-around great show. Not to mention, Sofia is on the show. In a time where "out of sight, out of mind" causes a few of the hottest ladies to fall all the way to the honorable mentions, the exact opposite is the case with Sofia. Popular show, more exposure, better notoriety and the spot on the list she deserves. Bam.

So, thus ends the 2010 installment of the revised Maxim Hot 100 list. Wordy? Sure. Necessary? Most definitely. I do believe last year I promised an in-depth breakdown of the film "Point Break" was coming soon, but neglected to write it. That said, I will be attending the live rendition of "Point Break" in June, so I may try to compile the both into one entry after the show. Who knows? Anyway, hope you enjoyed the rewrite, liked the links and I encourage you to leave a comment with anyone I may have left off or neglected. Revision notes after-the-fact are always a possibility.

Talk soon...

The Pearl Jam Show

2010-05-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

What a long time coming.

On Friday, May 7th I attended my first Pearl Jam show in the small town of Noblesville, IN. Why I had not seen this band up until this point is beyond me. In junior high I finally "purchased" my first CDs. I only say "purchased" because I ordered them via Columbia House and the first 10 CDs I ordered were free as long as I ordered 1 CD a year from them for the next 5 years. Of course, as a minor I was not held to this contractual obligation and I ended up keeping all 10 of my CDs and never buying a damn thing from them-- Advantage: Mike.

That said, amongst the bevvy of CDs I ordered, perhaps my most prized was Pearl Jam's "Ten." With quality of songs from beginning to end to the breakthrough videos for "Evenflow" and "Jeremy" and the amazing performance of "Animal" from the forthcoming album "Vs." at the VMAs, I was hooked.

Over the years, though (particularly following the big Ticketmaster ordeal and the release of "Vitality") I found myself staying interested in the band that took me through my youth, but not necessarily listening to everything they put out any more. That said, when they made frequent tour stops to surrounding cities and venues, I never thought to buy a ticket and attend. But then, like anyone who uses the shuffle function on iTunes, I stumbled upon the song "Dissident"-- a favorite of mine from "Vs."-- and then went on a Pearl Jam binge where they were all I listened to for almost a full week. Maybe it was the nostalgia, maybe it's the staying power of those early songs/albums, but whatever it was, my "fandom" was rekindled.

Upon my move to Chicago I was able to spend a lot more time with some guys who were my closest friends, none more than Tommy Choi, avid Pearl Jam stalker. At one point in our college years, I found out about Tommy's rampant love affair with the band and inquired, "Tommy, what would you do if you met Eddie Vedder?" To which he replied, creepily and without hesitation, "Just start going down on him." Obviously, Tommy was joking, but for the rest of the time I have known Tommy he has never stopped short of verbally blowing Vedder, singing his praises whenever asked. Alas, the Holy Grail evaded my friend Tommy: meeting Eddie Vedder and getting Ed's autograph for his Pearl Jam album art collection.

Until a random Sunday night in the Chicago summer. I would go into detail, but Tommy does that on his own here (if you must know more backstory).

With Tommy being an extreme follower of Pearl Jam (including a member of the fan club, knowing the band members' kids' names and attending a show any time they are in a state bordering Illinois), I knew that Tommy would make my first Pearl Jam show happen. However, show-by-show occurred the next three years, and despite my enabling him to meet Eddie Vedder (not to mention giving him first dibs at Bulls/Celtics playoffs tickets the year of that sick 1st-round series-- thank you Pamela Marsh), I never found myself getting the call up to the big show. Not that he owed me, but I knew Tommy would try and make it happen. I knew to stay patient-- eventually the call would come.

And it did on Friday.

Tommy made the call to me early Friday morning that our buddy Josh had to back out for work and, if I wanted, the Pearl Jam ticket was mine. The hesitation was non-existent and I was on-board for a 3-hour trek to some small town in Indiana to see one of the bands that had sculpted my musical taste. And, as Tommy mentioned numerous times throughout the course of our friendship, the show was nothing short of amazing. The setlist was just filthy and even though I did not know every song, those I did know blew my mind.

The five-song final encore of "Garden," "Whipping," "Alive," "Baba O'Reilly" & "Yellow Ledbetter" was my best moment of 2010. After a three-week period of losing a job, losing a girl I thought would always be with me & having some mysterious injury occur to my arm, being able to join some buddies for a show was one thing. But to have all that nostalgia come back when the opening bassline of "Jeremy" hit; to see the goosebumps that occurred when "Alive" started, taking me right back to standing at Tommy's wedding as the string quartet performed their version of the PJ classic; feeling memories surface when the first few chords of "Yellow Ledbetter" began; these moments make those bad times seem not-so-bad even if only for just a few minutes. And at the risk of making a bad pun, all I could do was join the thousands of other fans belting out the words "I'm still alive" and truly mean it. I did.

And I am. Thanks for the invite, Tommy.

Talk soon...

Wishful Thinking

2010-02-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

So, as I sit and kill some time at my current job—dividing my time equally between actual work and the contemplation of becoming the Tyler Durden of my office and start sending out awkward haikus—I also take a small portion of my day in a pastime my buddy Joe Luck and I always have fun with: What would we do if we won the lottery?

We toggled between a variety of travel ideas, material objects, incessant alcoholism (I would imagine this would be teamed with weekly stays in Vegas and “escorts” called in from my room, but sent to Joe’s room similar to when you would send a pizza to someone’s house back in high school), daily video game regiments and a slew of other activities and ideas that are so far-fetched and ridiculous that if we actually won and did any of these things, people would simply reply, “F***ing rich people.”

Of course, a lotto win is a ways away in all actuality. I don’t swim in the ocean for fear of being attacked by a shark, and though the odds of that actually happening are slim-to-none, the odds of taking the jackpot are even worse. So, the drought of lottery winning and just dreaming continues. As does me not going into the ocean past waist-level.

But, hey, a guy can dream, can’t he? (He can. He can also waste time at work typing out blogs, in case you were curious.)

So, in list form, here are my current top 5 activities I would do (along with the usual honorable mention) if I were to win the lottery. I should mention that I am trying to avoid being general and just saying “Travel!” because I would like to think I am a more interesting writer than that. Anyway, here goes:

HONORABLE MENTION

Buying a new [insert material item such as car, TV, etc. that is not creative enough to make the list because of course I would buy one of these items—everyone would—so why bother mentioning it except for honorably?].

Pay off the debts of all of my immediate family and close friends, within reason. I’m talking to you, friends I have with large amounts of gambling debts. I’m not going to be your enabler.

Chicago Bears 50-yard line season tickets (barely misses the top 5).

TOP 5

#5: From day one I have said that were I to win the lottery, I would not tell anyone right away. I would try to let each individual I am close with find out in very unique ways over time until word finally got out. That said, one of the first people I would reveal the victory to is Joe Luck. By doing the following:

The doorman at Joe’s spot knows me well enough that I just say “Hello, heading to Joe’s up on 8” and he buzzes me up. If Joe and I ever have a falling out that turns violent, he is no longer safe because of my familiarity with the doorman. Advantage Shorty. Anyway, I will head up to Joe’s, most likely paying off the doorman to also then let me into Joe’s place. Once inside, I would have pre-ordered enough small plastic balls, the kind you would find in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese’s or a McDonald’s Playhouse, to fill his entire place from floor to ceiling. I would fashion a netting of some sort to attach to his door knob so the plastic balls would stay in place until he opens his front door. (Of course, knowing me I would complete this elaborate plan and end up leaving my phone in his place and having to open the door myself. Damn it.) When Joe later arrived home from work, he would unassumingly open his door to reveal a tidal wave of plastic balls obliterating him and spilling out into the hallway. If you know Joe Luck, you realize this is the perfect plan. If you don’t, continue to #4.

#4: Paid dares. Judge all you want and I also realize that there are various TV shows, viral videos and even a porn site that pays people to do crazy, weird things, but so what? This is just a good time. If you are walking around with some buddies or maybe sitting outside on a patio eating some brunch on Wells at Bistrot Margot (Shout-out!) and decide, you know what? The next person who walks by I’m going to offer $500 to do [insert stupid activity here, anything from streaking to eating food off of some random person’s plate to whatever other zany activity you can think of]. You’re telling me hanging out with this person wouldn’t be a blast each and every time this happened? And this one is like a daily adventure. Ahhh, to dream.

#3: Boat party. On Lake Michigan? Why not? I mean, if I owned a boat, certainly I could position us far enough from the shore that E. coli was no longer a relevant concern, right? Regardless, I have always wanted to own a boat (more so in the past few years thanks to Pam taking me down to the Ozarks-- Alina holler), so now I can have a boat party. You may inquire, “Why Mike? Why a boat party?” And I reply in text-form here: Are you some kind of retard? Have you seen any rap video in the past ten years and/or the SNL “I’m On a Boat” video? Is there a better time than a boat party? Guys out there can admit what I already know: there is no place you would prefer your girlfriend to NOT go than a boat party. Everyone is already half-naked, the drinks start flowing, there is no way you can make a “surprise” visit when the party is in the middle of a body of water and you know at least one dickhead at the party is going to be the “let me throw this girl into the water because she’ll have no idea I’m really trying to cop a feel” guy. Listen, dude, we know what you’re doing. This is more obvious than turning around in a crowded bar with your elbows out in order for said elbow to strategically graze the boob of an unsuspecting female passer-by (Victim!). We know what you’re doing and we don’t like it. All that said, being the guy(s) throwing the boat party is a different story altogether. You don’t have to worry about your girlfriend being at the party because it’s your party! You can be the “cop a feel” guy (Edwin)! So, boat party = #3.

#2: Wonders of the World Grand Tour. Not as fun a feel-copping boat party in theory, but really is just a different kind of fun. With the right lady friend and/or group of friends—you can afford to back them for cost; you won the freaking lottery—this could and would be the experience of a lifetime. Plan the trip a year ahead of time to give your boy/girlfriend or some of your friends the opportunity to decide if they can go on a 3- or 4-month excursion. If you offer to pick up the cost of the trip, certainly they can find a way out of work for that period of time or just quit and have enough cash put away to hold them over while looking for a new job after the trip. Anyway, imagine spanning the globe from the Taj Mahal to the Great Wall of China to the Great Pyramids to Chichen Itza and the myriad of other wonders to check out. Realistically speaking (in a fantasyland blog post, mind you), with the different categories of “wonders”—ancient, medieval and modern—you could even make up your own itinerary to also travel to countries with other things to offers. Say, perhaps, Brazil to see the Christ, the Redeemer statue as well as the endless supply of Victoria’s Secret models they seem to churn out yearly down there. Just try to avoid being kidnapped.

#1: The Nationwide Sports Tour (to take place over a 2-year span). As a sports enthusiast—I even watch soccer—this is the dream endeavor that a lottery win could only support (barring some unforeseen situation where I pen some ridiculously successful book/script/musical). The basic explanation is this: Beginning in the spring, attend a baseball game (or two) at every baseball stadium in the country. Make the entire adventure a massive road trip that will include stopovers in locations without a team to spice things up, i.e. we’re going to Vegas. Complete the baseball trips by September and then roll out the same plan for football. Because football has 32 teams, but only 17 weeks, the 2-year span is essential to complete the cycle. When the NBA season begins, the goal is to then attempt to plan the trip around a football city that, within a give-or-take 2-day time frame, will host a NBA regular season game. This is a delicate situation because you have to essentially pick a person(s) who can be on the road with you for two years. I would recommend putting a buddy or significant other of yours on payroll that way work is not an issue-- think the idiots from "Entourage." When completed, I or we will have witnessed a sporting event in every professional sports arena if you are crediting only the top 3 mainstream sports in this country. For someone who has loved all sports since birth for the most part, this is the dream and starry achievement that may be accomplished some day, but we’ll see. We’ll see, indeed.
_________________________________________________________________________

I am happily welcoming back the “Things That Annoy Pam” section of the blog. You may be wondering if I had stopped annoying her and that is the reason why you have not seen this section in a while, but I can assure you—and I am sure she would attest—this is not the case. I just haven’t annoyed her enough to warrant writing about it. However, as of late, Pam is annoyed that I am over a lot. You may be curious and wonder how anyone could get annoyed with me being around a lot. Or, you may know me and can see her point exactly. On the contrary, Pam is annoyed because she believes that if I am going to be at her house when she is not there, it should be for a reason other than the proximity of her house to my place of work. I should be there to tend to Dexter (the dog) or to do something productive, e.g. clean her room. Now, I have my own place, but it’s soooooo far away from work. Plus, I DO need to take Dex out, which I do, but sometimes I am tired and don’t feel like taking him for two-mile runs or to the park. Sometimes I just trot him around a few blocks of Old Town and head back so I can write, read, watch TV or, as of late, go work out. Hey, Pam, some of us can’t afford the nicer things in life like living in Old Town. Hence, I live near Wrigley with a bunch of 21-year-olds fresh out of a Big Ten school breaking bottles in front of my place and being loud at night. It’s way cheaper. Not to mention, there’s a lot of people who would kill to have me hanging out at their place all the time. (No, actually there’s one and she is my mom and I think even she would disagree with that last statement. Small doses.)
So, in order to hang out at Pam’s I have duties now. Will my being there still annoy her? Absolutely, but maybe not quite as much.

Talk soon…

New Blog, New Gimmick

2009-12-29T12:13:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2010 (almost)!

In lieu of the New Year, I want to try and actually achieve some new hobbies/trends over the next year. One of those, as always, is to write more. Others include: learn how to speak Spanish, read more, learn to play piano at the very least a struggling amateur level, finish the musical I am working on (yes, that’s true) and be happier about the job front.

The first and last of those otherwise titled “resolutions” go hand-in-hand. The dream in life is to have any job—ANY JOB people out there who have hiring power and are reading this—in the writing field. Hence, more writing, writing develops and grows, writing begins to read better and speak to more people and next thing you know, writing job.

Well, maybe not that easy.

Regardless, I like writing the blogs and have left those who like reading them out in the cold these last few months. For that, my friends (sorry for sounding like the Dos Equis guy), I am sorry. But I have good news: new blog gimmick.

Lists.
Yeah, that’s right. Lists.

My friends and I are consistently suggesting things like “What top 5 celebs would you want to kick it with at the same party,” “What would be the top five things you would do if you were invisible,” or “What is the main reason Vinny del Negro has not been fired as coach of the Chicago Bulls?”

These scenarios have inspired me to change the blog up and move to a list dynamic. So, going forward, I will gladly take suggestions or counter arguments (please refer them to my Facebook page or the comments section of these blogs) with the end result being a minimum of one blog per month featuring the latest list of something topical, something off-topic or something so absurd that you’re not sure you want to read it, but you do and are then saying “Damn it, now this interests me.” (See: MTV, Jersey Shore)

So, without further ado…

My Top 5 Films That Should NEVER Be Remade/Modernized

**Note: We are talking about movies that actually have the potential to be remade. For instance, honorable mention was going to include Teen Wolf because it was good, but not so good that Hollywood brass wouldn’t think, “Ya know what franchise we could rape next? Teen Wolf!” Some movies, think Shawshank Redemption, will never be remade so they are not included. This list does not necessarily include the best films ever made, mainly those that were great then, are fun to watch now and should be left alone by the money-mongering, franchise-ruining hands of the current film industry. (See: Karate Kid remake)**

HONORABLE MENTION

Raising Arizona, Teen Wolf, Breakfast Club, Pretty Woman, Top Gun, Risky Business, Die Hard, Jaws, Demolition Man, White Men Can’t Jump, Lost Boys

I love these films. The rewatchability (not a real word) factor is high, the actors included have stood the test of time (for the most part) and they are entertaining as all hell. More importantly, can you picture the new Top Gun opening and in the first fly test we see Tyler Lautner as “Maverick” flying against Zac Efron as “Iceman?" If you didn’t just throw up a little bit after reading that then you have no soul.

#5: Point Break

If you know me you know two things: I can watch Point Break every day and enjoy myself; and I am mad that I don’t live in California and have not gotten to see the on-stage interpretation of the film that I hear features a person from the audience who plays Johnny Utah for each performance (that could just be hearsay though). You’d be hard-pressed to convince me that this movie had flaws at all. From the high comedy of Gary Busey’s face to the extremely absurd dialogue to the weird philosophical rants of Swayze’s character Bodi, the film scores ridiculously high on the unintentional comedy scale. Can’t be improved, can’t be cast as well and can’t be replicated with the same tone and style, so the film needs to be left alone.

#4: Overboard

Who doesn’t love Overboard? The dad builds a freaking mini golf course! That in itself is more exciting to me than I really think it should be. You have the fun real-life relationship combo of Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell, plus Goldie was still in her prime and is just adorable. The kids were great, Kurt’s hair was in its prime and the dad from Lost Boys killed as the rich, frustrated husband. Maybe—and a slight maybe—if they pulled the “remake it with Kate Hudson, isn’t that a cute idea?” card, this would garner some interest, but probably not. I can just picture Patrick Dempsey being tossed in to modernize the hair alone in this movie and it makes me sad.

Number 3: Roadhouse

One of two Swayze films which anyone who reads this blog fairly often should have seen coming. This movie has it all: guy AND girl nudity (films often cater more to the guys), bar fights, a rage rampage and the coolest finishing move in the history of street fights. Again, much like Point Break, the dialogue is amazing and can not be replicated because of the era it was made in comparison the era we are in and how they would alter the slang, context, etc. Plus, Sam Elliot is in it and he is in my Hollywood Mustache Hall of Fame. Back off—Roadhouse is one of Sam’s best. Let him have it.

Number 2: Back to the Future

Perhaps the entire series needs to be left alone because—and perhaps most important—Hollywood will not, at all, ever in the history of time be able to cast someone that could improve upon the Marty McFly created for the screen by Michael J. Fox. This reason alone is all the ammunition needed to deter any of these films from being made. As the series goes on, the films become less “un-remakeable" (another made up word), but you would have to remake one in order to remake two and so on and since we just established that the original is untouchable, let’s just move on.

Number 1: The Goonies

Flawless film. Early Spielberg, great memorable quotes, the funny Asian kid who reappeared in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, cool story, fun adventure, the weird little lady from Throw Momma From the Train, Joe Pantoliano before he was on The Sopranos, the emergence of Rudy, young Josh Brolin and most of all, Feldman. The kids get to crawl under a well, experience their Asian friend’s awesome gadgets, slide down an underground water slide and into a small lagoon that was harboring a pirate ship (read that last one again—how fun does that sound?!?) and finally end up with enough gold to save their town and not have to move. I’d say that is pretty much a great explanation of what every kid wants to do at some point in his childhood, but only the select few members of the Goonies actually were able to live out the dream. Don’t kill the dream, and don’t try to outdo a Spielberg classic, either.

More to come in the new List Blog, and we’re off to a good start. Hope to get some good comments, counter-arguments and feedback from folks, so I’ll be checking in and perhaps even retorting to said counters, etc. when I have time.

Until then, here’s to 2010!

Talk soon…

Legendary Status

2009-08-26T20:36:00.001-07:00

In Hollywood, actors come and go. Seemingly, the next big thing (Colin Farrell) usually fizzles out by making some awful film (SWAT, Alexander, Miami Vice, etc.) and is never heard from again (although Farrell did "In Bruge" which was badass). Put it this way: For every Leonardo DiCaprio, there are 20 Freddie Prinze douchebags who are dying to do a "Wing Commander" film and nose dive their career. Side note: Has anyone done worse films than Freddie (rhetorical)? This guy was asking to fail-- it's like he had his thirteen-year-old niece reading scripts for him. Unreal.

Of the actors who have panned out, there are a few who that have achieved peak "Legendary Status" by creating films that are not only entertaining, but also rewatchable on an epic scale. The king of this list is Tom Cruise, but that's a whole other column on its own. The actor in question in this column-- and call this entry an early eulogy on a downer note-- is the one and only Patrick Swayze.

Swayze, although not the owner of a catalog as extensive as Cruise, has a definite quality over quantity characteristic in his corner. So let's discuss, in order of my 6 favorites:

6) Red Dawn
Just a cool movie and it paired Swayze up with Charlie Sheen. A high school in Colorado is taken over out of nowhere by Russian & Cuban forces and the students who escaped to the nearby forest are minimally armed. This film pretty much brings to life the game "Guns" that everyone played with other neighborhood children from ages 8-12. For example, "Hey Mom! Can I go outside and play guns with Mark?" "Sure you little shit. Anything to get you out of the house-- let his mom deal with you." Thanks, Mom. And you thought I had forgotten. Anyway, see this movie if you haven't. You have to have a slight appreciation and tolerance for films made in the 80s, but once you can get past the dated nature of the film, it's fun to watch.

5) The Outsiders
Great book, great movie. If you look at the cast list alone (Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez, Swayze, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Tom Cruise-- see what I mean-- and even the still-hot-Diane Lane. Now, THAT'S a Who's Who of 80s films), one can already tell that what you are about to watch is going to be something special. It's a battle of poor vs. rich, and includes a character named "Ponyboy" played by Ralph Macchio. Question: Do Macchio's friends call him anything besides Daniel-San and/or Ponyboy? Is there any way for him to ever be deemed cool again after these films? I need to meet a friend of Ralph's and get some answers

And now the top 3 (these are amazing films):

4) Dirty Dancing
Call it a chick flick if you want and I can't completely disagree because the female interest isn't hot enough for the "I watch it for the hot girl" excuse (sorry, Jennifer Grey). However, Swayze makes this movie passable for anyone out there. Dancing was a shocker in its era, dealing with teen pregnancy and abortion without really making it obvious, as well as sexual undertones throughout. Of course, the two standouts: Swayze composing and singing his own song "She's Like the Wind" on the soundtrack (a song later remade by either Ne-Yo, Chris Brown or one of those guys-- like you know the difference) and the immortal line "Nobody put Baby in the corner." Goosebumps. Every time. Is there a moment when this film is on when you don't flip to it to check on what scene? I say "no," and also say that you know as well as I do that you are hoping for the final "end of season" dance scene as soon as the channel switches over, but if that scene is not on just yet, you somehow get sucked into to watching it from where you stepped in until it concludes. THAT, my friends, is rewatchability at its finest.

3) Ghost
Pottery turned sexy. Demi Moore in her prime. The creepy guy who teaches Swayze how to touch things despite being a ghost. The black ghosts that appear to take people to hell. However, one of the best reasons to love this movie is the Notorious B.I.G. then went on to reference it in multiple songs ("Booty Hoes" & "Runnin'" mainly) in which he refers to leaving a situation quickly as "Swayze," e.g. "...when he drop, take his Glock, and I'm Swayze." This trend was later used in the SNL Digital Short "Lazy Sunday" by Chris Parnell and Andy Samburg. Of course, all pop culture references aside, this movie is just good. The VHS came in a white tape as opposed to the standard black and it made The Righteous Brothers relevant to youngsters for at least three or four years. Of course, this also spawned the popularity insurgence of Whoopi Goldberg and her use of the word "child," but you can't win them all. This is a good movie.

2) Road House
If you would like to know how hard it was for me to decide whether to make this the top Swayze film, just know that I wanted to write this entry a month ago and finally decided on my rankings now. I mean, Swayze, aka Dalton, rips a guy's throat out for God's sake. But let's take a closer look: You have already roped in every guy by making this a film about bar fights and a lead character who is the head bouncer-- referred to as the "Cooler"-- in charge of ending these fights. There's the explicit and unnecessary Swayze ass shot for the ladies. A couple memorable quotes: "You'll be nice until it's time to not be nice" and the timeless "Pain don't hurt." The villain is played to perfection and you are rooting for Swayze to take him out. When the climactic fight scene occurs against Brad Wesley's main henchman, the story of Swayze having ripped a man's throat out in a past bouncing job comes full circle and he does it again. In the category of Lifetime Throat Removals: Dalton 2, Michael Short 0. Of course, I haven't even mentioned Dalton's mentor (and possibly the most underrated mustache in all of Hollywood), Wade Garrett played by said mustache owner Sam Elliott. If this movie is on, I am watching it. If I am not home, I will TiVo it. If TiVo is booked, I will remember that I missed it and watch it on DVD to get my monthly "Road House" fix. Needless to say, this movie is entertaining as any I have see. But falls just short of the top pick...

1) Point Break
Swayze. Keanu. Surf lingo, beach fights, robberies, a pitbull toss and Gary-freaking-Busey. What does "Point Break" not have? Of all the movies I regret not owning, this is my top pick. I have no idea why I don't own this film, but it may be because it is one almost once a week on TMC or FMC and loses nothing that extreme in the film-to-TV translation. I have yet to find someone who does not thoroughly enjoy themselves while watching this flick. Break contains some of the most incredible Unintentional Comedy of all-time from Keanu Reeves' infamous "I am an F.B.I. agent" rant to any time we get to look at Busey and his teeth that make Matt Dillon's chops in "There's Something About Mary" look like Baby Chiclets, I can't get enough. If I watched it an hour ago, I'm watching it again. If I ever conjure up the balls to surf, this is the movie I watch before I go, like an NBA athlete listening to Jay-Z before a big game. I mean, Anthony Kiedis makes a cameo in it and still out acts Keanu. The film is just incredible.

Swayze's reign doesn't stop there. Last year, A&E televised "The Beast" filmed in downtown Chicago and the show was cool as hell. The show centered around Swayze's character as a deep cover FBI agent. Granted, I am not a fan of a case being assigned in the first third of the show, investigated in the second third and being solved by show's end, but I understand the instant satisfaction complex of today's TV audience so I realize the need to set the show up in that fashion. However, Swayze, as per usual, puts himself in a position to entertain. Though he isn't winning Academy Awards for his performances, he is winning over the fandom of most males who have fully-functioning eyes and ears and certainly won over the heart of the late B.I.G. and he obviously owned the ladies for well over a decade.

Of course, Swayze is not doing too good these days (cue joke: Q: What are Farrah Fawcett & Michael Jackson getting for Christmas? A: Patrick Swayze), and it is sad to see someone of his Legendary stature and entertainment status dwindle away from cancer. But like any illness or those stricken by an untimely demise, celebrating the good times-- and with Swayze they were AMAZING times-- is the key now. Don't look at the front cover of the tabloids and see Swayze all frail and brittle, but rather remember him outside of the barn in "Road House" centering his chi via martial arts or waxing philosophical about surfing being a life force in "Point Break." No matter what you do, tune in to any of those movies if you haven't in a while and take the time to realize the icon that is Swayze and enjoy the recognition that he rightfully deserves. Now I'm off to bed. I'm hitting "Publish" and I'm Swayze.

Talk soon...

Perspective For the Gifted

2009-08-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

Certain people were made for certain things.

Every minute of DVDs and NBA TV game of Michael Jordan that I watch, I realize that he was put on this Earth to play basketball. The way he moves with the ball, flies toward the rim and delivered year-in and year-out-- he was gifted. His Game was his gift.

Throughout the world there are a variety of athletes, performers, writers, comics and a slew of other people who were gifted and lucky enough to find their niche and achieve what it is they were put on Earth to do. Simply gifted.

But the more I think about it, aren't we all?

Not all of us will make it to the NBA; hell I can't even dunk a mini-ball. Some of us will settle for something less than what we love in order to aspire to and achieve greatness in other realms of our lives. And that's where we can all find our gifts.

Maybe we can find the love of our lives and waking up next to them every day is a gift. Maybe one day some of us will have a kid and that will be a daily reminder that we are gifted with a family and with a miracle to call our own. No matter what it may be, if we are alive and kicking, we are all gifted in our own way. And that's the thing: life is not a privilege, it's a gift.

With my 30th birthday coming up (ugh), I know that I may have some gifts coming my way. Some gifts may be great, others garbage, some cheap, some thoughtful, but in the wide array of adjectives used to describe a birthday gift, the one that rarely surfaces is the one thing about this gift of life that people always realize far too often and much too hard: unfair.

And that's just it-- the ability to get up every day and do as we please, live how we want, meet who we do and lead the lives that we choose comes at a cost. Life is never going to be easy.

A friend of mine has experienced about the worst luck in a 4-week period I have ever seen. From a family member passing to another getting sick and a close friend passing after that, she has endured more unfair jabs from life than I can even imagine. And no, she hasn't always been able to take it in stride. Not even close, but how could anyone?

A life may be the greatest gift we ever receive, but it's not always going to seem like it. But all we can do is keep living it. Move forward. Appreciate every day we get to see, every friend we spend our time with, every person we love that we get to share our lives with and understand that we will never know when it's going to be over.

I finished up at work today and started my usual mile walk back home. About two blocks in, a "Karate Kid 2"-esque monsoon developed and I stopped to grab a ride on the 156 Lasalle bus. After standing in this downpour in what was still 80-degree weather, the time to resume the walk was on. By the time I arrived back at home, my pants were rolled up, shoes soaked, I was carrying my polo dripping wet in one hand and sporting an old soccer jersey sopping wet clinging to me until I walked in the front door.

And this was the best decision I made this week. In the pouring rain, I took advantage of the best gift ever and just tried to enjoy it while it lasted. I even contemplated jumping in a puddle, but, come on, I'm pushing 30-- I'm too old for that.

So I hope when I am walking with my friend and the rain starts pouring again that she will join me. I hope she will hold my hand and jump in a puddle with me so I won't feel like such a child (it's way cooler if two people do it). I hope that she sees that it's not always so bad. I hope she joins me in appreciating that we even met and that we get to spend time with each other every day for what I hope is a lot longer than it's going to seem.

I may not be scrimmaging alongside the Lebrons of the world, but I have my boys who are my family, I have a family that is amazing and I have a girl who is the coolest and sweetest person in the world. We're not all gifted athletes, but we are all still gifted.

Talk soon...

Down at the Cell

2009-08-04T20:19:00.000-07:00

In my life I have had certain goals as a fan of sports as a whole. The peak goal is to sit front row for every major sport: football, basketball, baseball & hockey. Last week one of those goals was marked off the list as I was able to work my way into seats up against the dugout at the Chicago White Sox/New York Yankees game.
I have never been so close to the live action of a major sporting event, so as you can imagine I did my best to take it all in and try and get my money's worth, even though the tickets were free (shout-out to my buddy Tyler for including me in the excursion). From attempting to gain the attention of Sox manager Ozzie Guillen (a feat accomplished numerous times by Tyler's girlfriend Stephanie, but more on her antics later) to getting in the head of Alex Rodriguez by calling him "Juicyfruit" (he went 0-for-4 with 3 strikeouts), just being that close and seeing the players prepare, appear more frustrated than most fans would think after swinging at a bad pitch and listening to what was said between innings was well worth it. Though, I really can't completely validate that comment because the tickets were free and I am not too sure it would be worth the cost of admission in my current budget.
Anyway, the evening culminated with an amazing moment between innings. Sitting to my right were Tyler and Stephanie-- that evening was also Stephanie's birthday-- and to my left was a random kid attending the game with his dad. Earlier in the game, the Sox ballboy ran near the dugout, saw the young man's outstretched glove (for story's sake, let's call the kid Timmy) and tossed him a ball, making Timmy's night and leaving him smiling from ear-to-ear. So, a few innings later the Sox struck out the final batter and Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski headed toward the dugout. He glanced up before he headed down the dugout stairs and saw Timmy shouting to him for the ball again with his glove outstretched toward the field. A.J. flipped the ball to Timmy and it sailed in the air right at Timmy's glove. Moments before the ball found its way to the netting of Timmy's glove, Stephanie sprung from her seat three spots down from Timmy and made like a 90's Deion Sanders, intercepting the soft toss to Timmy and claiming the ball for her own. Then, the following exchange took place:

A.J. Pierzynski: Give the the kid the ball.
Steph: (maybe slightly buzzed, but whatever, it was her birthday) NO!!
A.J. Pierzynski: (removing helmet, noticeably annoyed and slightly surprised) Give the ball to the kid. (points in Timmy's direction)
Steph: NO!! He already has a ball!

At this point, the fans with seats beside the dugout notice what has occurred and begin shouting "Give the kid the ball!" and "He's a kid! Give him the ball-- what's wrong with you?!" Not persuaded by A.J. or the crowd, Stephanie then looks to Timmy and says, "You already got a ball earlier, you already have one!!" As if Timmy were to sell himself up the river and bail her out of the greatest situation I could have been in that night. Before long, a Sox bench coach has now yelled at her to give the kid the ball, people to the right, left and back of us are yelling to give the kid the ball and A.J. has since given up and headed back to the dugout since he is actually playing in the game. After a few minutes of haggling, Steph finally gave the kid the ball. Of course, at this point people had already lost interest and no one saw it, so to everyone involved she kept the ball and was still the Asshole of the Day. Amazing. At the end of the game, like salt in Stephanie's wound, the Sox bench coach tossed a ball to the kid, leaving the final gameball tally at: Timmy 3, Steph 0. What a game.

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This week's installment of Things That Annoy Pam is my tendency to have rubberbands around my wrist. I have been doing this for years, not so much as a fashion statement (though she seems to think it is, but come on, I have more style sense than that), but because in jobs I have recently held I have been the manager and due to the bulk of mail that is sent to restaurants, the mail is often rubberbanded together. So, I would removed said rubberband from the mail and wrap it around my wrist and before long, if I worked a few days in a row, I would develop quite a collection. Supposedly, these rubberbands would pull Pam's hair when I stayed over at her house and she would sleep on them and just because I am wearing rubberbands as "bracelets." She is deeply annoyed by these and now makes me remove them and has begun making them into a rubber band ball. Lemons into lemonade, eh?

Talk soon...

A King Has Fallen

2009-06-30T16:50:00.001-07:00

What a strange weekend. Not only did the United States contend in the final of a sport that for years we have not even been a challenger in regards to global competition, but we saw three celebrities pass away as well. Well, I guess 2.5 because Billy Mays, though well-known and lovable, is not really a celeb is he? If you saw him at the airport would you even know his name or just that he is the guy pushing Oxyclean on you like an overbearing crack dealer? Exactly. Still, though, seemed like a good guy. Then we have Farrah Fawcett who was apparently instrumental in the sex drives of 30's and 40's aged men everywhere. I am not quite at that demographic, so I wasn't around for her peak performances, but judging by articles and pictures, sounds like her passing was quite a shot to the demographics a couple steps up from my own.

All that said, of course, the final of three was Michael Jackson. I feel like if this would have happened fifteen years ago we would have a lot more approving things to say. However, the forgiving nation that we seem to be, we are giving him a pass for the behavior and odd tendencies that have defined the "King of Pop" over the last fifteen years of his life. (Not to say he wasn't behaving in an odd manner prior to these years, but he was at least still making music then, so he was still a musician and performer before anything else. Not so much the case as of late)

Michael Jackson was not a musician really. His music, beats and even some melodies were created for him, which in turn made Michael Jackson not one of the greatest musicians ever, but undoubtedly the greatest performer ever. From the introduction of the moonwalk in the 1983 MoTown 25th anniversary show to the slew of theatrical videos, MJ continued to raise the bar with each performance even if the song itself wasn't at the same level. Personally, I think this is what made MJ such an intriguing performer-- the songs weren't even good at times, but when he performed them, made a video, etc., his performance and the story told in the video made the song better. Would "Thriller" even have been worth listening to if not for the amazing video? Same with "Remember the Time."

I don't want to sit here and pretend like the music of Michael Jackson saved my life or changed me in some way-- for God's sake, he made a song where he and Paul McCartney fight over a girl including a talking moment in the middle that I think may be the funniest thing I have heard on an unintentional level in some time. However, there are certain moments that I can recall that are defined by his music and videos.

I vividly remember living with my mom in an apartment complex called Gardner Lanes when I was in my adolescent ages. She had yet to remarry and I was an annoying little kid, similar to the way I am now, but with a much higher voice pitch and skinnier. Anyway, I remember being put to bed one night and my mom and her boyfriend (future stepfather) were going to watch the "Thriller" video. After being put to bed and laying low for a few minutes, I emerged from my room like a Navy Seal, army-crawling my way to the end table where the two couches met and leaving me just enough room in the cracks between the two to peer through and see the television. I watched the "Thriller" video from beginning to end that night and was discovered hours later by my mom having fallen asleep under the table at some point following the video.

From there I can recall the variety of ages and times spent listening to when Michael would release his newest songs, "Bad" not too far after the "Thriller" LP, "Black or White" during my junior high days, "Jam" right in the beginnings of my love affair to the NBA and all things Michael Jordan and all the way up to the hopes that "Rock My World" would thrust MJ back into the mainstream at the same level he had always been in my youth. Of course, it didn't work out that way as "Blood On the Dance Floor" can attest.

Fact is, we have seemingly given MJ a free pass for the last 15 years of his life and I think it is because I am not the only one out there with a story like the one above. The lyrics weren't going to rival Bob Dylan, the odd sounds and made-up words throughout each tune was not going to rival the singing ability he fashioned in his youth, but every time a song came on people were interested, from his days in the Jackson 5 and even until now I am sure we all would have listened if he would have been in the studio working on something new.

Michael Jackson was not a role model, really, unless you are or are an aspiring Justin Timberlake or Usher, but he was the most prominent performer in reaching people of all ages and races and for creating music that is still played today ("P.Y.T."), covered today ("Beat It") and marveled at today (all things "Thriller"). And for the record, if you ever see me hammered at a karaoke bar, if you happen to notice "Man In the Mirror" on the playlist and can somehow to convince me to get up and attempt it, you will see the most spot-on karaoke performance of that song by some average douche you have ever seen, including the odd hiccup noises and "dah" sounds. I'm not bragging, just saying, I can nail that tune. I only hope I never have to put my money where my mouth is on this one. Good thing only five people read this thing.
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I am introducing a new section to the blog for this entry. I am going to do my best to keep it up every week, but I am going to have to keep doing things to annoy Pam in order to make that happen, though I am sure she can tell you it shouldn't be that hard. Anyway, I have been dating Pam on and off for a few years, but have been going strong for over 6 months now and have shown no signs of stopping. So, I wanted to introduce anyone who cares enough to read this to a section I am going to dub "Things I Do That Annoy Pam." My mom is unquestionably shaking her head right now. Regardless, here is the ground-breaking first thing:

I have a friend named Brian Adams (awesome) who I went to Bradley with and then worked for following my Bradley time until I found a job in St. Louis. Any time I plan on hanging out with B-Adams and I mention it to Pam I say "I may meet up with Brian Adams tonight-- my friend, not the singer." Of course, after years of knowing me, there is no need for me to decipher between the two because she is fully aware that my friend exists. However, I do this every single time I mention him to her and she is annoyed by it.

Talk soon...

Watching Season

2009-06-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

The Chicago summer season is upon is. Through each miserable winter and the heavy rains that usher in the changeover from Spring to Summer, the residents of Chicago suffer through unbearable conditions with the knowledge that the Summer season will make it all worth it.

And that is true.

Of course, with the incredible summers also comes a myriad of festivals, concerts, patio dining and other outdoor extravaganzas that allow perhaps the greatest hobby of them all that is only at its peak in the summer months: People Watching.

I had the privilege of being stuck right in the middle of the ultimate in people watching opportunities, the Wells Street Art Festival. With the stands of $23 corn dogs, $11 funnel cakes and lemon shake-ups made with sour mix as opposed to the staple squeezed lemons that would IN FACT justify the drink being dubbed the "lemon shake-up," not only is the cuisine of the Art Fest in true state fair-esque form (sans the few Wells St. restaurants that participated in the festival), but the people seem to fall right in line with the average state fair crowd, though often times unbeknownst to them.

While working at the food stand for the restaurant that employs me, I was stuck between the Fireplace Inn and Burton's Place, arguably the only two tolerable bars on Wells, not including Corcoran's and Wells on Wells, both of which I love. The array of people was vast and diverse and extremely impressive. A few of my favorites:

1) Guy wearing Wisconsin Track & Field team hat backwards matched with a sweater vest, sans anything underneath. Congratulations Wisconsin on producing this creature and managing to dump him on our innocent city that did nothing to deserve him.

2) Combo: Girls wearing evening gowns or the equivalent and heels while standing in line to get into the Fireplace Inn. This was just a classic site as apparently all bets are off when Fireplace Inn is rocking the Art Fest. Backless? Only one of them. The Art Fest: Where prom dresses have a second life happens.

3) Guy wearing tight v-neck tee, huge sunglasses and not one, but two rosaries. When the vampires attack, he is the one I will follow.

4) (A real one) A couple had the coolest bulldog ever and about ten minutes after walking by our booth, I saw them walking through again, this time cradling the bulldog like a baby as they waded their way through the crowd. As a dog owner, I felt their pain. That was fun to watch.

5) The drunk kid who came up to our booth, used the side to hold himself up and ordered six sandwiches with fries. Upon opening his wallet he had no cash, I pointed him toward the nearest ATM and he swore he would be back and to have his sandwiches ready. Not only did he have actually come back to the stand, but he managed to one-hand carry the box we put his sandwiches in over to his friends, but only after he slammed one sandwich in about thirty seconds. This guy was bad ass. Proven.

Of course, the real winner of the festival was any company that produces shirts featuring dragons, skulls, angels, any kind of Gothic print, obscure words, shiny objects of any kind, etc. The festival was the coming out party for the Chicago Area Graphic T-Shirt Society. My co-workers and I sat in the booth excited with each new graphic tee variety. The longer the day went, the more drinkers we saw and the more shirts that emerged. We also couldn't help but wonder, what if, in their drunken stupor, a guy wearing a tee stumbled upon a girl who happened to be a huge fan of graphic tees, only they forgot to exchange info and never saw each other again? Of course, the most logical way to remedy this situation is by posting an ad in the "Missed Encounters" section of Craigslist, and we felt it would look something like this:

You Gave me a Patron Shot, But Not Your Number - w4m - 21(ish) (Old Town)
Date: 2009-06-14, 12:30PM CDT

I met you in line to go to that bar Fireplace where you said you knew the bartender and could get "the hook up." You were wearing a black t-shirt really tight with dark mountains in the background and a shiny gold skull on it and it said "affection" or something. You had really spiky hair and a silver necklace outside of your shirt and were really, really tan or maybe Native American. You also had True Religion jeans with really big pockets and some holes in them. I remember at one point you asked your friend-- I think you said his name, sounded like "Brah," but maybe was Brian-- if you were still going to Enclave later, but I couldn't make it there to meet up if you did. I really liked your armband tattoo and your thumb rings, too.

Or something like that.

Anyway, get excited if you are a Chicago resident and get a plane ticket if you are not because this city is the place to be in the summer. Would Kanye really rap about it if it wasn't that great? Yes, that was rhetorical. Let the summer begin and bring us more festivals, people watching and two special souls meeting over a shot of Patron and finding love to last a lifetime. Cheers, Summertime Chi.

Talk soon...

The Favored

2009-06-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

I try not to make the blog too sports-oriented, but after a PHENOMENAL NBA Playoffs, a fantastic NHL Finals (and I don't even like hockey that much), I feel like addressing the current state of games, or, more importantly the unique and unlikely favored nature of my generation as it applies to the sports world.

Born in 1979, I was quickly ushered into the sports world via the Chicago Bears. By the time I turned 7, I was spoiled (by Chicago sports fan standards) by being able to watch the only Super Bowl championship in the history of the Chicago Bears as well as the tail-end of the Walter Payton era. I shouldn't have to say that my first true love is obviously the Bears. However, from there I grew as a sports fan, siding with perennial favorites through my youth-- the hard-hitting (and juiced-up) Oakland A's in the 80's, a side love affair with the Cowboys in the 90's, etc.-- but whatever the team, sports became a part of my life like school, work and play. Only by junior high did I realize what it meant to have your own team, your own players and really dedicate yourself to your fandom and I did so in the form of the Bears, the White Sox and the Chicago Bulls. Along withe the full-on dedication came a certain championship run from a certain Chicago basketball team led by a certain greatest player of all-time. I remember when following one of the first three Bulls' championships, my stepdad Dan mentioned that he and I both had witnessed the only Bears championship ever along with the greatest running back in the NFL and the greatest basketball player of all-time, both of whom were players on our favorite teams. What are the odds?

Stepping back now, as a die-hard fan of most sports from soccer to golf to even, gulp, hockey (yes, I'm obviously aligning myself with the Blackhawks after an amazing playoffs and season), I am realizing that the current status of sports is breathtaking if nothing else. My generation has included the following (to only name a few): Walter Payton, Joe Montana, Steve Young, Emmit Smith, Jerry Rice, Mike SIngletary, Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Albert Pujols, Pete Sampras, Roger Federer & Tiger Woods. Look at that list and that is only a few of the greatest athletes of their sports of all-time. Almost every single one of those athletes my generation (and a few others) has grown up with and been able to be a part of the championships, emergence and dominance of these athletes.

After watching Kobe win his fourth ring in his incredible career, the argument about whether he is atop the NBA legacy with Michael Jordan is irrelevant (he's not even CLOSE), the greater argument is not an argument at all, but an appreciation for those of us who have had the privilege of watching not one, but two of the greatest NBA players of all-time and most likely a third (minimum) as the emergence of Lebron James continued on-schedule this past season.

With the constant debating about who will be the next (insert particular sport and it's main star here), often times we as fans forget how lucky we are to be witness to some of the greatest athletes of their sport, perhaps for all-time. I once got into a heated debate with my friend Nate. He is only 21 and thus was too young to really be able to witness and appreciate the Michael Jordan Experience in its entirety. For that reason, he is already insistent that Lebron James is the greatest player ever, even without having won a single Finals in his young career. At first I wanted to rip his head off and dropkick it like a recess kickball game, but I ended up feeling sorry for him and fortunate for myself because what I witnessed is lost on the new schoolers.

Will Lebron eventually become the greatest ever? Maybe, though I don't see how another MJ can ever happen again. I know one thing: Lebron needs to surpass Kobe first and that is no easy feat. However, again, when I am an old man I can say I watched MJ, Kobe AND Bron and what was a huge rise, a hard fall and a re-emergence of the NBA league as a whole. A luckier age demographic I haven't found.

So, if you see me this weekend sitting at a bar and staring in awe at Bethpage Black, the reason is not because of my undying love for the game of golf. In reality, not only am I bad at golf, but on a typical tournament weekend, I wouldn't even take the time to glance at the leaderboard. But when Tiger Woods, arguably the greatest golfer of all-time, is on the tee, you bet your ass I will be tuned in Thursday through Sunday, privileged to watch him drive the fairways and dominate greens. To those who may never get to watch him play, it would almost be an insult not to.

Talk soon...

***Editor's Note: I also have watched a LOT of baseball and even a couple of Tour de France runs when Lance was pedaling, but due to the recent nature of Performance Enhancers, I find it difficult to name guys like Lance, A-Rod or Manny in the list. Though watching them has been a blast, you have to do it au natural if you want to be truly great. And yes, I believe Prince Albert is 100% clean.***